Disrespectful behaviour - what should I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Disrespectful behaviour - what should I
6
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 12:05pm
let go, and what should I directly deal with? We're talking fairly small potatoes stuff, here, but my gut feeling is to never let any of it go because it may get worse. On the other hand, I don't want to beat this kid down with constant nagging, either. There are two specific types of disrespect I mean here, and both are in a recent example - last night I was driving him and a friend somewhere, and they had to run back into the house for something they'd forgotten. I watched them dash in and go all the way downstairs without stopping to take their shoes off. When they came out, I reminded them that they MUST take their shoes off before going on the carpet. The FIRST thing he did was to mutter at his friend about me - something to the effect of "Just ignore here, she's always like this. How stupid." (and yes, he's done that before). The next thing he did was to lie and tell me that they HAD taken their shoes off. And when I dropped him off at his friend's house, he got out of the car without a backward look. I called him back and said "I inconvenienced myself to drive you half way across town...I expect you to say thank you." And AGAIN he muttered at his friend, and lied to me - saying "I was JUST about to say it - you didn't give me a chance!"I think he tells me the big stuff, but he lies constantly about the little stuff - like if I overhear him being rude to one of the girls, he'll deny that he said it, even if I heard it. I don't know but I suspect that maybe he learned to lie because he was punished severely for mistakes in the past - and I know discipline was really inconsistent; what he could get away with one day he'd be hit or locked in his room for the next, so I *understand* the lying reflex. But I feel that it is disrespectful to me (hate him acting like I'm such an idiot that I wouldn't figure it out) and I want to give him the clear message that if I can't trust him on the little things, will I be able to trust him on the bigger ones? And the muttering to his friends right in front of me feels really disrespectful. (another related point is that he has BIG problems with women in authority - so that is also a learned behaviour, and one I know he is consciously trying to work on).
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 7:15pm

I generally give slack to my kids on some stuff, but muttering to friends about me would put me over the edge. My DD does it once in a while in humor (grin and wink) but sometimes it's over the edge. She knows as soon as she's said it that she went too far.

IMHO you need to nip this one in the bud. Let your DS know this is *not* OK. I'd almost *rather* hear him whine and complain right to you than badmouth you (within your earshot, no less).

As for lieing, I"ve been straightforward with both my kids (15yo and 7yo) that being responsible and telling the truth leads to being trusted more. My DD15 has heard this so often she can say it back to me on cue! As a matter of fact, the other night I was questioning her and she said "remember that be responsible, get responsibility stuff you always say, well I've been responsible and you know you can trust me!"

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:20pm

I totally understand where you're coming from, but I would proceed with caution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 11:44pm
Thanks to both of you. We had a little talk about it, because things kind of came to a head. He was invited for a second night to stay at the same friend's house, and the comment he overheard the mom saying to the son was "That poor boy! Stuck in a foster home...we should have him over here as much as possible so that he is around people that care.". He didn't address that directly with his friends mom, although I gather he DID with his friend - but he was a little upset by it, feeling that he needs to defend me. We sat down and I talked about the issues I mentioned in my post - and told him that part of the problem is that when he complains about me like that, he makes me sound like the foster parent from hell, and that very well COULD lead to his friends thinking that he should be around here as little as possible. You know how some peopel are about foster parents! He's even joked with me about "you're just doing it for the money!" TOTALLY teasing because he knows I spend more on him than I ever get. So I think he really "got" that - he said sorry and gave me a big hug. As for the lying - I think that is going to be an on-going issue. He admitted that he's done it in the past to avoid getting in trouble, and he "understands" that he needs to be honest on the little things in order for me to trust him on the big ones, but I don't think he's able to put 2 and 2 together yet - we had more silly lying about minor stuff again today. I try to keep "calling" him on it, but now his feelings are hurt that I never believe him! Geez - not sure how to handle that one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:35am

In all fairness to the friend's parents, there are some really horrible foster homes out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 9:00am

I'd let it go.

In the future, reserve commenting on respect and minor rules for times when you are both alone and have time to talk. Not when ds has something he wants to do or is in the middle of something. And yes.. listening to music is "doing something". Always ask if he has a moment first, even if it looks like he's doing nothing.

Never confront him on something in front of his friends. He'll have to save face at that point and you will see some attitude and overhear some responses you would rather not have heard.

ie..During dinner the next day... "I noticed that yesterday, when you and John ran back into the house to get the music cds, you both forgot to take off your shoes. I would appreciate it if you would be more careful to remember next time".

Just leave it at that. A simple reminder. No lecture about respect of the house or why it's important to take off the shoes (I'm sure he's well aware of why you have that rule by now and doesn't need to hear it again). They were rushed and their minds were on something else. It happens.

As for the not saying thank you. Again same thing... remind him about proper respectful comments such as please and thank you when you have the time to sit and talk. Not when he's rushed to be somewhere with his friends. Otherwise your delaying him will come off as an annoyance and your point of wanting your efforts recognized will be missed.

Hope some of this helps
stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:29am

Its not always disrespect per se. Alot of times its just whining, complaining, grumbling about rules, bad tempers etc. Its pretty common for teens to do the whole "hate my parents" thing. And they sort of bond on that front. What I would do is open a dialogue with him, maybe at a point when he's NOT with friends or at the heat of the moment, and talk to him about how you find those kinds of comments hurtful and disrespectful. The best approach would be "I feel when you ". That's far more palatable than "I think you are disrespectful to me at times".

I know its hard to bite our tongues and its also hard to not take these things personally. But alot of times it is just that -- not personal.

Good luck.