DN May (Probably) Won't Graduate

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
DN May (Probably) Won't Graduate
5
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:08am

I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about this one ...

A few months ago, I posted about my 18yo hs sr DN, whom I learned (while messing around on mySpace) was failing all his classes, drinking, smoking marijuana and experimenting with other drugs. His father (my DB) and his mother have been divorced since DN was born and neither one was aware of what he was doing, and not doing. (As an aside, I found it interesting that when confronted by DB about this, DN said 'Don't tell Aunt Julie about this, okay?')

Trying to make a long story short, his mother got involved, contacted the school and put some pressure on him (as did my DB) and his grades and attitude did go up ... for a few weeks. He was given opportunities by a couple of his teachers to bring his grades up so that he could graduate. Well, it seems that once his DM and my DB saw his grades go back up and things seemed to be going well, they backed off. But so did DN. Everyone assumed he was going to classes and continuing to work on his grades. AND, DN was telling everyone that he WAS going to graduate.

Within two days of mailing out DN's graduation announcements, his DM learned that he had been cutting classes again and had not take advantage of the make-up opportunitites his teachers had given him and would most likely would NOT be graduating. If the graduation ceremony were today, DN would not be there. We're being told that there is a SLIM chance DN can pull it together and graduate in less than a month's time. Personally, I don't know how that could be possible, but maybe his teachers really are trying to work with him.

So my question is this: We will be unable to attend DN's graduation, but I had planned on sending him a card and a nice monetary gift. If he doesn't pull through, do I just ignore the announcement and not acknowledge the day at all? And if he does manage to graduate and knowing the circumstances surrounding it, how do you handle that? What sort of gift and recognition to you give someone who barely squeaked by? And is probably only there as a courtesy so the school administrators can get rid of him?

If he doesn't graduate next month, I am thinking about sending him a 'certificate' for the money I was planning on sending him, with the indication that he will get the actual $$ when he gets either his diploma or his GED. It may not even matter to him now, but I want him to know that 'Aunt Julie' thinks that graduating hs is very important!

What do you think? Any comments, advice or suggestions?

Thanks in advance,
Julie




Edited 5/11/2006 11:10 am ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:38am

I would not acknowledge the day in any way if he does not pull it out-no reason to!

If he does manage to graduate, I would continue on the road I had orginally planned. The amount of the gift should not be based on GPA

The exception to that would be overall sense of money responsibility and should this event make you rethink that? Is he going to take teh cash and blow it on a party? Is he going to use it for a down payment on an apartment?

If you are worried that it could go for drugs, etc, you might want to consider a gift certificate of some sort or agree to pay an upcoming expense like a class at the community college or security deposit on an apartment

I wouldn't hold anything over his head as incentive, however. I know how tempting that is(Ohhh, do I know)but I think it backfires because it is interpreted as an attempt to control their lives-and it is :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:45am

The best gift you can give him is to call him up and have a heart-to-heart chat with him.
Tell him that you are so disappointed in him,in that he is acting like he DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HIS OWN FUTURE. He is important to you, you care about him and you know that
he can do it.

No gift or card until he actually graduates. If he does, send a card and tell him that you have put aside some money to buy a text book or other item he will need when he enrolls in some post-secondary training program/college course or whatever.
You could also say that he could use the money to defray the cost of night courses for his GED (after the fact). I would not give him money outright.

Sorry to hear that your nephew has spun out. Hopefully, working for awhile will help him growup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 2:45pm
Being the mother of a DS who is kind of in the same situation now(but no drugs involved), if my sister was thinking of doing this, my son would take this as a "controlling his life" type of attitude or a bribe and would probably be very hurt and offended. I dont think there should be any type of "certificate" or the "withholding of money if you gradudate" siutation at all. If you are close to him, I would suggest talking to him about how important school is etc. and you are there for him to talk, provide assistance or whatever. When and if he ever graduates, then the monetary gift would be appropriate. If my sister was considering this approach I would be very angry at her. Not the way to handle things in my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 4:47pm

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That is quite a concern, really. His DM is a phlebotomist at a medical laboratory and after she learned of his deceit about school, had him tested for marijuana and it came back positive.

His DM's father was killed in a small plane crash before he was even born and his other grandma put aside college funds for him from the life insurance she received. So, at this moment, there are four years worth of college tuition and expenses sitting in an account somewhere there waiting for him.

Well, if he pulls this off, maybe an Exxon or Shell gift card in the $$ amount I was going to send. With the prices of gas these days, it might come in handy.

Thanks for your input.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 5:04pm

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My brother was seriously PO'd with me when I ratted DN out to him about what I discovered on the mySpace about the drinking, drugs and failing school anyway. He hasn't contacted me or spoken to me since then. Slaying the messenger, I guess, but this is really how his parents found out he was screwing up! They absolutely had no idea what he was up to.

In no way did I consider the 'certificate' idea a bribe or to in some way controlling DN. That honestly never crossed my mind at all and I would never have imagined it to be interpreted that way, but if two people made the comment, I guess it could be. I guess I considered it more of an 'incentive' for him to at least get his GED.

FWIW, all DN's family members are extremely disappointed in this turn of events. He's flat-out lied and deliberately been deceitful about his effort in getting his act together with regard to school. Just this past Saturday, he told my DB, DM AND DF, that he had done everything he was supposed to do to get his credits and was in line to graduate and would be walking in the ceremony. Monday morning his mother learned otherwise. I got the graduation announcement in the mail yesterday. He knew he wasn't going to graduate and kept everyone believing he was going to for the past 3-4 months. His mother had planned a party and it would have been really crummy if I had bought an airline ticket and flown up there (he lives at the other end of the state) to find out he wasn't even graduating? Ugh. Talk about someone being really angry.

Thanks for your input.

Julie




Edited 5/11/2006 5:36 pm ET by hydrangea_blue