Do I Step In or Do I Shut up???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Do I Step In or Do I Shut up???
8
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:05pm
DD 16 is in a serious relationship with her bf18 of 7 months. They are both good kids and get along great so I really should have no complaints. But I do see a problem and that is that they are too serious and they spend sooooo much time together - every possible waking minute. And his friends are now hers and hers are now his so they don't even have their "own" friends anymore and don't go out without the other. I just don't think this is healthy. I have tried to talk to her explaining how important girl time is as well as good quality alone time. She yeses me and tells me she's knows but nothing ever changes. Lately her bf has been getting involved in every decision she makes in her life acting like they are married. My DH feels like he's been replaced and has been expressing his opinions in a loud obnoxious way which only backfires because DD gets mad and they end up in a huge argument. She pretty much follows all the rules of the house, comes home by curfew and always lets us know where she is so on one hand I feel like I should be happy that she is a good kid and shut my mouth and stop complaining. On the other hand, I see him at my house so much that I am starting to feel smothered so I don't understand how she can stand it!! Do I continue to try and talk to her and encourage her to do things without him or do I sit back, bite my tongue and see what happens??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:17pm

I can understand your concern as a parent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:18pm

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This reminded me of when I was in high school! A friends' mother got so tired of her bf hanging around their house so much she told my friend that he 'was starting to seem like part of the furniture'! That made me laugh.

Anyway, a couple thoughts. First off, it IS your house and I think you can make and enforce some rules about how often and how long, the bf is there. So if you'd like Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons all to yourself, bf doesn't come over. I don't think that is unreasonable. Chances are, the rest of your family could use a break from him too.

Second, how about planning a 'girls night/day/afternoon/event' with your DD? Maybe say something like, "Why don't you call (name a few friends you know and like) and let's all go to the movies and lunch?" Something like that. Or ask her to go somewhere and do something with just you, that you think she'd like and and enjoy but that doesn't include bf. There is nothing wrong with your DD telling her bf she has plans with you, her family, or with her gfs either.

Just a couple thoughts. I'm sure others will have better btdt advice for you.

 

 

 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 4:11pm

I also understand your concern but I think you ought to let her be. You said that you've brought it up before but nothing changes; bringing it up again likely won't change anything except become an irritant. The fact that she is following your rules, and she and the bf spend a lot of time at your house are both very good things. You can see what they are doing and you are developing a relationship with the bf, which will probably help him to feel accountable to the family. If your dh feels usurped maybe he can talk to his dd and tell her that he wants some father-daughter time...their relationship changed when another male became the *man* in her life so dad and dd will need to redefine it.

I have to admit that I am coming from the perspective of a dd that broke the rules as often as she followed them, and didn't have her bf around the house (probably because he had too much to hide from parents!) so I would have been glad to have your problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 4:34pm
I think the more you try to get rid of the BF, the more she will dig in and want him around. Is this her 1st serious BF? If so, I can see how she would really cling to him, being the first love, etc. Besides, how often do high school romances really last? They might break up of their own accord and then you will have to deal w/ the next BF. lol Your DH will just have to deal w/ her growing up, which I think fathers seem to have more of a hard time doing. The fact is that he is going to be replaced, which is the normal part of growing up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2001
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 7:33am

I can see where you are coming from my dd16 and her bf18 have been in a serious relationship for almost a year now. Up until two months ago they were at our home every day eating every meal here. I personal enjoyed it. But not all mother dd relationship are like mine and my dd. My husband on the other hand did not. To sum it up in a nut shell. He voiced his thoughts on the kids being here to much. To the point of being rude and of coarse my dd bf protective mode kicks in. Do to my husband opening his mouth the kids are never home when he is. He has completly damaged his relationship with his dd. If by chance there paths do cross he has nothing good to say to her. I think to a point you can give your opinin but be careful because as long as your dd is playing by the rules you will push her away if you come on to strong with this opinion. If you like this boy and he is treating your dd with respect time will tell where this relationship will go. If your not careful you will be walking around the house longing for the days that your dd was there all the time.

Melisd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 12:07pm
Thank you all for your comments. Hearing different opinions always helps put things in perspective. I hadn't thought that the integration of their friends was a good thing but beckeyp is right - the bf is not isolating her from her friends although he doesn't like her to go out without him or vise versa it could be so much worse. And suggesting some new rules in the house as hydrangea_blue suggested is also a good idea. I think it would give DH and I a little bit of space that we need. I also remember those high school romances and how clingy they can become and I don't want to push DD away becuase we do have a good relationship so I will lay off and not say too much. Although I'm going to try and set up a lunch date along with a trip to the mall in the near future with just the girls - cuz guys have no business being at the mall with the girls!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2001
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 2:30pm

So far this summer my dd and I do some errands on wednesdays. My dd and bf work at the same resturant he cooks she waitress. They work the same shifts except for wednesday's. Thats also my early day from work. She also gets to have more drive time. We talk about everything under the sun after we are done I drop her off at the resturant. After he is done work they can see each other a little bit and he brings her home. The week of the 24th will be interesting. My dd is going away to camp no bf for 5 days and no cell phone to call. And no errand time.

melisd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 3:19pm

Very wise moves planned there chillie. And consider this, they are good kids, they have good friends and they don't mind hanging out at home with mom and dad....gosh....that's GREAT! How many parents of teens can actually say this? They are also young and in love -- is there nothing more positive than that? Are we adults becoming so jaded all we think about is the bad stuff that can happen in relationships? What about the rush of being loved and having someone you want to spend your time with? That kind of stuff is so brief in our lives and why should we try to stamp it out at every turn? Let these kids have these moments of wonder while they can. Heartache and disappointment is part of the package but in the end we know that those moments of happiness and affection we have are so worth it....

....now I'm sounding like a silly romantic sap !!!