Do you check Facebook/Myspace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Do you check Facebook/Myspace?
47
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:47pm

I have a question for everyone. Do you ever look at your child's Facebook/Myspace? I do occasionally check my dd's Facebook just to see what's happening. I sure it may seem like an invasion of privacy (at least to my dd) but I do feel that this isn't a journal or a diary, it's basically a public blog.

Well, the other day, I did see a comment from my dd to her cousin, who lives nearby, thanking her for getting her out of a jam at a concert. I have to admit I got very concerned about this and was worried that maybe she had been drinking or something (I have never caught her drinking before) but I know that a couple of her friends have been caught in the past drinking with other friends. Well, I thought I should have a talk with her and ask her if she needed to tell me anything about the concert and that I had seen her comments on Facebook. Well, she assured me that nothing happened, that one of her friends had ditched her at the concert so she hung out with her cousin instead. Then she blew up with me about looking at her Facebook. I basically answered that whether she liked it or not, I would look at it from time to time. It was funny how she was trying to turn this into a situation of me doing something wrong.

Well, anyway, am I the only parent out there who looks at their kid's Facebook? I really didn't want to tell her that I look at it but I was concerned about her safety.

Thanks for the input. Di

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Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:17pm

Yes, My rule was that if the boys had myspace or facebook that I had their passwords. we had an agreement that I wouldn't go into the personal mailbox, but I must admit that I have at times. I actually helped save a childs life who was talking about killing himself to my son privately on his myspace. I have no problem with it...,.it is my duty as a parent to keep my child as safe as I can. I don't see it as an invasion of privacy when they know that I check it. I know many other parents that do as well, and I always remind the boys that they should watch what they say as there are other parents "watching" them.

My opinion here...please no bashing.

Julie

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:22pm

LOL you gotta love these teens! How in the world can they think it's an invasion of privacy if it's posted on the internet for all to see??? And if you used her password to access it, well, she would have had to give you that password, so what did she expect??? LOL

I have to admit, I've only looked at the boys' MS places a few times. Actually, I rarely *ever* look at my older's (he's 20) except when I'm looking at his little brother's and see messages from him. All I've seen are pretty minor "wassup" type stuff on ds16's. I will also admit I don't get around very well in one so I don't know if I'm missing the *important* stuff or not. :-0

Tell your dd if she wants that much privacy to start writing letters. ;) If it's on the 'net, then it's fair game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:08pm
1st I'd like to say "GO mjaye2002"!!!!! I like all the advice you've gotten so far, but I was laughing at hers. It is on the net for anyone to see. I will say that I'm glad I'm not the only parent who "invades their kids privacy". :-) My kids begged & begged for a Myspace account. I wouldn't let them because all I'd heard about it was bad stuff. My kids call me a "safety freak". I guess I could be called much worse, huh?! After alot of research on the subject I agreed to let them have one, but there were rules to be followed. They knew I would have their passwords and that I would periodically check to make sure nothing inappropriate was going on. They also had to watch what info they put on there (personal info) and could only let it be viewed by friends. I told them to be careful who they invited as friends. Some of the kids out there make their page private, but anyone who sends them an invite, they ok?! I think it's a contest among some of them to see who has the most friends. They don't even talk to 90% of those people EVER!!!??? Anyway, I do get on (as I said I would) to check things out. My daughter just graduated high school so I let her change her password. I still go on her page to see what people have written, but she's not my problem. My sons on the other hand have gotten into trouble quite a few times. You won't believe what these kids say on there thinking no one sees it. I think more parents should be checking after their kids. I don't want to go telling these parents what their kids are saying online, but I sure feel like it. In my opinion teenagers don't tell us what's going on so we have to find out any way we can. It may not be the right approach, but it is what I do. I want to keep my kids safe at all costs & I want to know if they are behaving inappropriately. I have had to decide at times what is important enough to bring up & what isn't. I don't want them thinking I make a habit of reading their stuff every day. I don't read it every day and I don't read their personal messages unless something has happened that I feel I needed to. I read their blogs, their messages to & from others. I also look at each of their friends spaces to see what is on their pages. You can never be too careful these days. My sons don't always have good judgement on their behavior. If I felt I could trust them completely I wouldn't feel the need to check after them as much. Hopefully they'll grow up soon & I won't have to keep doing this. Hope this helps. Good luck & God Bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:42pm

Absolutely I check - I actually have a myspace page. initially it was to contact people for my class reunion and I had a spy account to really check on kids I love.
I have to laugh at the respect their privacy comment - hello - it is the internet - they are putting things out there for anyone to see... internet privacy in cases like this are an oxymoron! I think far too often kids take advantage of parents who are not internet savvy - I am always willing to show parents their kids sites too. Jobs, coaches, colleges and many others are looking and teenagers don't always have the ability to see around the adult world corners! Reading the safety tips on all the pages and always maintaining access to the pages is smart - not interference. My 14 year old could only have a myspace if I was a friend.

Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:18am
I think it's a good idea to monitor your child's behavior on or off the internet. I don't know how to check my daughter on Facebook or I would. She showed me a photo of a friend on her page and I printed out the whole page. I didn't like some things--that she listed her town. I'd prefer state or county. Also, she put to meet men for friendship. Why didn't they say boys rather than men. I know she means boys. She likes MyFace she said because it is safer than MySpace, as it's limited to high school and college kids. I notice one of her friends from school used the expression wtf and I was concerned the last letter stood for an off color word. The girl is bright, nice and from a great family. She showed me a photo of a guy she was chatting with on my space and I thought one of the photos too exposing. I told her. I don't ask her password because I don't give her my passwords. But she tells me stuff--that's how I know. She seems to like me knowing and being able to talk about it. But if I disapprove of something she would not tell me and would hide it. So, I do my best to be open. It's easy for kids to hide things one way or another ny computer expert said--change screen names, etc. I don't tell her how I get info about her. But I definitely would do whatever it took to oversee her safety and welfare on line and off line. There's a lot of pitfalls out there. It's just touchy on how to go about it. I don't know how to go on facebook-I have a space on my space...they have a place for moms there. But I don't know how to search for her. So, far I just count on her showing me. For example, I asked to see the guy. I even gave her advice on playing hard to get when he wasn't responding. I knew it would die out as he was too old. (He's entering college next year.) I also told her she wouldn't be allowed to date him for that reason and she didn't object. She knows she can't date until 16, but she can have friendships. I'm just trying to feel my way like everyone else. I try to be as flexible and open as I can. But yes, I think it's smart to check those sites. Having said that I do it in around about way when she gives me a peek. When my girls wanted my pass codes i said you wouldn't give me yours to your screen name. They said they would. I would hate for them to think I check everything. They TOTALLY GET FURIOUS IF I OPEN THEIR MAIL. So, I think this would be the same. So, I don't have this completely worked out yet either. My husband is strictly hands off, so that's no help. I want to find a way to do it with out making them go underground. Also, she is enjoying facebook. I like her having a chance to socialize as the opportunity is very limited at her school. I'd like to stay in touch about this if you would as we're both in similar situations. My dd is going on 15 and will be a freshman in h.s. Good Luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:27am

I agree about checking your teens profiles and so forth on line to keep them safe. I just don't know how. How do you check their friends site. I would like to check this one guy my daughter ntalks to. She showed me his photo and it looked too suggestive in one shot which I told her...But I don't know how to go on and find more.

I do know away to run a check on anyone they meet on line once you get their real name to make sure they are predators--older men on the look out for kids. The local school teaches parents here and suggests we do it to keep our kids safe. So I thinbk most people involved with children's welfare think we should know what's going on. I appreciate any info you could share. Kids can have fun--and that's ok. I don't want to take that a way...but I want to be aware of any adult trying to get friendly or inappropriate behavior in gneral that needs guidance. thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 7:02am
My 15 y/o DD is relatively new to the Facebook scene. But I absolutely monitor her page--quite often, in fact. When we allowed her to have a Facebook account, one of the requirements was that we know her password. If she doesn't share this, she doesn't get to have a Facebook, period! When you have their ID and password, you can go on, look at their profile, look at the photos they post, and even look at their friends' profiles. I agree with the others--if it's on the Internet, it ain't private!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 8:37am

Hi Sunnymom. I wasn't sure from your post if your dd has a Facebook or Myspace account. My dd has a Facebook account. She used to have a Myspace but switched several months ago. Anyhoo, if your dd is using Facebook, the way to see another kid's page is to just click on their name in one of the messages that they sent to your dd and it should bring up their page. This should work because that kid and your dd have accepted each other as friends so, as a result, she has permission to look at his page. To be honest, I think a lot more parents might be tempted to look at their kid's page if they knew what was on them, especially the photo albums. Many of the kid's photo albums show them drinking and their friends' drinking. These kids are really naive...they don't realize that there are parents who are looking at these sites. I've also had friends who have told me that their kids aren't any trouble so they don't look at their kid's site, but I have seen things that would probably really concern them. Maybe some parents just don't want to know...?

I agree with the other posters that Facebook is NOT private. If a kid wants privacy then have a diary. It's funny...I told my dd a long time ago that I would check her Facebook periodically but she still blew a gasket last night about me checking it. At that point, I told her that the more upset she got, the more it seemed like she may have something to hide.

Thanks to everyone who has posted...I feel much better now. Glad to know I'm not the only snooper :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 8:51am
Thank you. I agree with you. But I honestly can't say I have her password. So, this is something I have to work through. My daughters object to me opening their mail which I do anyway, usually because I'm just opening it fast although I'm always curious and interested. Sometime I don't. They get upset if I even open a thank you card, which I do alot. I'm very cautious about them going out. I'm basically the last mother to let them do things like go to the movies with a friend and not an adult--and then I only allow one theatre. They always say "Don't you trust us?" And I always say, "Yes and I trust most people in the world--but it's that tiny percentage we have to watch out for." I've trusted her on line so far. She showed me what was on there--but just in a sharing, chatty way, not that I was checking on her. As I say, I have to work this out. I like her having friends on there. I like her having friends at camp--and then I have to work at getting to know their families before I let them be friends. I get friendly with the mothers of the friends at her request--as she knows she can't have any actual contact with anyone unless I know them. She is moving to a new high school, where most kids have known each other since they were 3 years old in preschool. Some of those kids are listed on Facebook and I'm encouraging her to get in touch as we're moving to that area. It was a bad experience in her old school. The class size was so small--about 15 girls. It was very cliqueish and snobby. The teachers complained this interfered with them learning. Each kid only had one or two friends if they were lucky. She did, but the popular group with whom she had been friendly since she was three shied away from her when she got acne, as they didn't want to be seen with anyone who was not given a thumbs up by the boys once she got acne. Obviously this hurt her very much. When I asked the teacher if there was anything wrong with her (other than acne),he told me it was just the opposite--that she had to have a strong emotional/psychological make-up to endure what she did. Other kids were taken out by their parents. I wish we had been in a position to do the same. Many kids changed to a public school or another private school when they got dropped or shunned or bullied. I wish I had taken her out too starting in sixth grade when so many others left for this reason. (It just didn't work with our family situation at the time! which I will always regret. But that's over now. Now, I am trying to help her put this behind her. It is working. She had a ball in camp, made friends and they are all on Facebook. The teachers wrote home that she is kind and considerate to everyone she comes in contact with and is very special. She is very sweet and does whatever I ask even tho the other moms let their kids do something I don't allow. This will be the first time I am more lax than other mothers. (Shock for
this paranoid mom.) It is helpful to hear what other moms do--and it seems they are like you, which I respect. I'm so eager to see her adjust to this new move, adjust to this new school (where I'm praying they don't reject her because of the acne), and to get over what she endured in the old, snobby school. Her sister who is 13 (who is built like a model, an honor student, etc and a grade behind the oldest) begged to leave the school too when she got to sixth grade and said nothing can be worst than that school in terms of academic pressure and social snobbery and cliqueish and mean girl syndrome. I have just counted on her sharing and she has never declined showing it to me when I asked.So, this will be hard for me to do now, I must confess. This is going to be difficult asking her for her passsword, when I don't want to give her mine especially. I'm going to ask her friends moms down here so she won't think I'm the only monitoring mom. But I'm betting her friends mom don't have the password. They are nice friends--bright from great familes. But I always am the odd mom out, being stricter than the rest. I don't want her knowing what I post on this site for example. Well, this has been helpful for me hearing what you all do. Does your daughter ever express dislike that she can't have privacy. Anyway,thanks for listening to this long letter and your helpful response.I have two dd the same age as you.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:28am

I used to say, "Don't do anything that you'd be mortified about if it appeared on the front page of the paper and you'll be fine"!! Well, of course, that little bit of advice only goes so far.

I have a MySpace and a Facebook. The MySpace was so I could keep an eye on dd17, but then we finally just shut her down with MySpace because she simply could not handle herself with it. The Facebook was also initially set up as a spying device, hahaha, but I soon realized that I couldn't see anything without my kiddos knowing I was on there and invited as a friend. So, they invited me as a friend and I can see some stuff. I am sure they primarily use the email tool, but it is fun to see their pictures and wall posts. Of course, they are older now so it's more of a way to keep in touch with dd19 and my sil and exh.

Obviously, when they are younger, I expected to have all passwords and I did have them. DD17 still uses the same password for basically everything so I guess technically I still have it. DD19 is, IMO, on her own in this regard. She knows how to behave and handle herself responsibly, so I do not have her password, except for her bank accounts.

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