Do you check Facebook/Myspace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Do you check Facebook/Myspace?
47
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:47pm

I have a question for everyone. Do you ever look at your child's Facebook/Myspace? I do occasionally check my dd's Facebook just to see what's happening. I sure it may seem like an invasion of privacy (at least to my dd) but I do feel that this isn't a journal or a diary, it's basically a public blog.

Well, the other day, I did see a comment from my dd to her cousin, who lives nearby, thanking her for getting her out of a jam at a concert. I have to admit I got very concerned about this and was worried that maybe she had been drinking or something (I have never caught her drinking before) but I know that a couple of her friends have been caught in the past drinking with other friends. Well, I thought I should have a talk with her and ask her if she needed to tell me anything about the concert and that I had seen her comments on Facebook. Well, she assured me that nothing happened, that one of her friends had ditched her at the concert so she hung out with her cousin instead. Then she blew up with me about looking at her Facebook. I basically answered that whether she liked it or not, I would look at it from time to time. It was funny how she was trying to turn this into a situation of me doing something wrong.

Well, anyway, am I the only parent out there who looks at their kid's Facebook? I really didn't want to tell her that I look at it but I was concerned about her safety.

Thanks for the input. Di

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:55am
Jason actually is the one that got dh and I hooked on Facebook - now we each have our own account with the boys as friends so yes, I can see their Facebook accounts.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:06pm

I find all of this amusing...

1. My son once yelled at me for reading his livejournal (it's my JOURNAL! It's MINE!). I told him if he wanted a journal no one could read - he should get a book - or a pen.

2. I created a myspace to monitor my kids - I'm actually on it more than they are, and most of their friends are my friends so I can see their pages too - and yes, I look.

3. I do not have a facebook. My oldest is 18 - I have no right to monitor his pages, and I don't have the energy or time to set up a facebook. I've seen his page, but he doesn't even go on there that often. Once in a while he leaves it open, and I'll admit, then I check. But for the most part, I had privacy at 18, he should have it too. My DS 15 doesn't want to go through the trouble of creating a facebook, but if he did, I'd probably create one so I could monitor it.

The internet is dangerous - we should keep an eye out. I don't believe in a lot of this "keystroke" monitoring stuff though - unless you think you have a reason to use it (sort of like drug testing - if you don't think they're doing drugs, I don't believe in testing them). But if they're going to post it, I'm going to read it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:06pm

I'm sorry your DD has been exposed to this "mean girl syndrome." I think it's everywhere, and most girls probably have to deal with it, at least a little bit, at some point. I hope your DD finds a nice friend or two at her new school so she can put this behind her. My DD joined the marching band in HS, which was a godsend for her. Although there is still some clique-ishness, they are by-and-large a very good, accepting group of kids.

That said, I do not think you need to let your DD have your Internet passwords or see your postings just because you want to monitor hers! You are the parent! We, as parents, are responsible for our kids, not vice versa. On the other hand, I do not open my kids' mail--not necessarily because of privacy concerns, but because I know how exciting it is to get a letter and open it, and I wouldn't want to deprive my kids of that. I think letters and diaries are private (unless you have some concrete reason to be concerned). I think that what they post on the Internet is out there for the world to see, and it is our responsibility as parents to ensure that they aren't endangering themselves. These kids think that just because they're in a Facebook group that no one outside the group can see their pages, but it only takes 1 kid in that group to give out their ID and password to someone and then all bets are off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:09pm

I certainly agree that a parent has the right to view anything that their child is posting on the internet, but opening their child's mail?!?! Way too far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:16pm
apparentally i am the only one (it seems like) but i dont' know how to even check if my SS has a myspace thing or not. Can anyone help me? I have thought about checking before but i can't seem to figure out that website. I know SS's friends do, I am sure he does too. Help???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:23pm
Oh, wow, my daughters would be delighted to know I am being busted by other mothers on the mail opening! I am so used to opening their party invitations and report cards...which is the bulk of their mail and keeping the invitations straight (I make copies, put on calendar, etc.), I just fell into the habit. But I really do even read thank you notes sometime. That's all they get. But now I know they are not alone in chastising me. It is weird--I never really felt I was prying with that--I supppose because they don't get anything but party invitations and thank you notes. Nobody writes them by mail Oh the other hand, I feel I am prying by looking at what they say on the internet on Facebook--and honestly feel uncomfortable asking them for their password, although I am not proud to admit this. I feel I'm invading their privacy...as their privae thoughts go there, on the phone, either texting or talking and I guess Iming. All the moms here feel we have the right to their passwords, but I have to admit--although I agree I feel as though I'm invading my 15 year old;s privacy my going their with her password--although I'd really like to. The 13 year old doesn't go the internet route. I'm going to have to work on this. Thanks for your response!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:31pm
I'm in the same sinking canoe--I don't have a clue how to find my daughter on Faceboook. I belong to MYSpace--a college kid that works for me put me on--I am the antique wallflower of MySpace. Now, they have a moms' group though. But she's on Facebook and I think she'd flip and feel invaded if I ask her for her password. I agree with moms that we should monitor it. But in truth I feel I'm invading her chance to be herself with her friends. Most are people she knows. I saw her profile because she showed me something and one of her nicest friends used sophisticated talk...and WHF, which I suspect stands for a four letter word--which I am sure she wouldn't use with her parents. I found my daughter left a word we didn't approve of on her screensaver. So, I'd like to check up too. I'll look for letters you get with instructions--or if you find out otherwise would you let me know and I'll do the same. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:36pm

I read text messages when we went through a difficult patch with DS2 but I felt guilty-you know that little voice in your head that we tell our kids to listen to? It was screaming at me!

I will do what I need to if I feel something is odd with my kids and they need help but, no, I will not do it just to monitor.

I think the piece we are missing here is THEIR expectation of privacy. I open my kids mail all the time-credit card offers, the bank statement in both our names, college tuition bills, military recruitment offers-this doesnt bother my kids in the least. When DS1 moved out he told me to open it and let him know if it was anything important!

But all H would break loose if I got on their emails or Facebook because, at their age and level of experience, they feel this is private. Does that make sense? This isnt my generation who think the police are going to charge through the door because we pulled the 'do not remove' tag off the mattress.

Valid or not, they THINK of email and myspace/facebook as private. They never have gotten anything private through the mail(unlike us who are old enough to have written love letters to our SOs)T

Anyway, I think it's an invasion of their expectation of privacy and I will not go there without good reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:38pm
In your defense, I've been sorely tempted to open those thank-you notes too, because I'm the one buying the gifts for their friends! But I don't open them because I want the kids to see that their friends do write thank-you's--and that I'm not the only mom who makes them write these things!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:44pm

But that is exactly the problem! They think that what they post on the Internet is private, when it really isn't. That's why I think it is so important to monitor what they put out there! They have no understanding of how many predators are out there or how easily information can get into the wrong hands.

I also agree w/ checking text messages when you have reason to suspect that something isn't right. I had some doubts about some of my 13 y/o DS's Internet activity a few months ago, so I checked his phone, and saw that he had been in contact with an adult--a stranger--in the next state! We had to have his cell phone number changed after that. It doesn't seem to matter how many times these kids are told about communicating with strangers on the Internet. They just don't seem to get it. And even though Facebook and MySpace may seem "safe", they are easily breached.