Do you check Facebook/Myspace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Do you check Facebook/Myspace?
47
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:47pm

I have a question for everyone. Do you ever look at your child's Facebook/Myspace? I do occasionally check my dd's Facebook just to see what's happening. I sure it may seem like an invasion of privacy (at least to my dd) but I do feel that this isn't a journal or a diary, it's basically a public blog.

Well, the other day, I did see a comment from my dd to her cousin, who lives nearby, thanking her for getting her out of a jam at a concert. I have to admit I got very concerned about this and was worried that maybe she had been drinking or something (I have never caught her drinking before) but I know that a couple of her friends have been caught in the past drinking with other friends. Well, I thought I should have a talk with her and ask her if she needed to tell me anything about the concert and that I had seen her comments on Facebook. Well, she assured me that nothing happened, that one of her friends had ditched her at the concert so she hung out with her cousin instead. Then she blew up with me about looking at her Facebook. I basically answered that whether she liked it or not, I would look at it from time to time. It was funny how she was trying to turn this into a situation of me doing something wrong.

Well, anyway, am I the only parent out there who looks at their kid's Facebook? I really didn't want to tell her that I look at it but I was concerned about her safety.

Thanks for the input. Di

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:53pm

Actually, I don't really consider it an opinion - more of a fact (and I'm really not trying to start an argument).

I will agree that my opinion stands on shaky ground if your child has given you PERMISSION - and by that I mean said "ok, if you want to check my email, go ahead," that they've given you permission to enter what would otherwise be a private space. The whole "invading your privacy" thing IS rather shaky there, because the child has said it's ok.

However, the fact that you've TOLD your child you're going to do so, and they have knowledge of it, does not excuse you from the fact that you're invading privacy. There are parents that believe doing such is justified - and I respect them and respect their positions. But because your child KNOWS you're entering into his/her private space doesn't mean she's ok with it - or has given permission for it - only that she's acknowledged that, as the child, she really doesn't have anything to say about it.

If I go into a store and say "I'm going to take that stereo off the shelf and I'm going to walk out of here with it," the fact that the employees are aware that I'm doing it doesn't take away from the fact that it's stealing (bad analogy, I know, but the only one I can think of).

Bottom line? It's the child's privacy - if they feel it's being invaded, it is. None of us, as a parent, has the right to tell our children that's not so. We DO have the right, as parents, to say "I know it's an invasion of your privacy, but because I feel it's justified - for whatever reasons - I'm going to do it anyway. You can object to it, but since I'm the parent, and you're the child, I'm going to parent the way I see fit."

I think a lot of times we try to change the perception of what we're doing because we don't like how it sounds - because it sounds mean. To say "I'm invading my child's privacy and I believe it's my right to do that because I'm the parent and I have to protect my child" is rather controversial.

But it IS our right. Just call it what it is.

Use the "life isn't fair" line - works every time.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 1:51pm

"If you've decided, as a parent, that it's ok, or it's your responsibility, or obligation, or you have a reason, to access your children's email and/or websites through THEIR passwords, I'd give up on trying to convince them it's ok - let them know you're the parent, this is the decision you've made, and they're going to have to live with it."

I agree with this Rose and with everything I have recently been going through with my DS I had to expalin it to him. I feel that He lost his right to privacy when he became decietful. He is my child and he is my responsibility it doesn't matter if he is mad that he has no privacy anymore right now. He chose to loose that right. IMHO. I also told him that this is not fun, I do not invade my other DS's privacy right now, because he is not giving me reason to do so. I know that I am invading my sons privacy....I will do anything in this world to protect him and keep him on the right path while he is under my charge.

Julie

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 1:56pm

"Use the "life isn't fair" line - works every time."

LOL, When I actually played all of my card the other day with DS and told him that I had read some e-mails and he said "mom, that's against the law" I said....so sue me.

He quickly stopped that conversation when the discussion of the content of these e-mails was discussed further.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 2:12pm

<>

As you noted, I don't think that's really the same situation. Checking my kids' online activity is hardly the same thing as walking into a store and stealing a stereo! I'm still entitled to my opinion that a kid doesn't necessarily have a "right to privacy" in a public forum such as the Internet. Would I open their mail? No. Would I read their private journal? No. But if they're going to be communicating with God-knows-who in a public forum such as the Internet, as a child, they do not necessarily have a "right to privacy" there. Not as long as I'm responsible for their welfare.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 11:23am
You are not the only mom who does this! I look at my son's myspace all the time. I also feel it is a public blog and he knows people look at his page and he puts this for the public to see. Hey I am public too!lol I am in a situation now where I found out my son has been smoking pot. I am dealing with a very hard problem to solve. I went onto his myspace page and looked at some of his "friends" pages and was pretty scared at what was on there. One kid had pictures of himself with a joint and a water pipe,one kid had a picture holding an axe (I guess its a logo of a band called insane clown posse) another girl had some revealing pictures of herself...I could go on and on. I found out that his friends that he hung out with was also smoking. So, I am glad I looked. Parents nowadays need to be involved to keep their kiddoes safe, also if your kiddoe is anything like mine they will not talk to you (I am now the uncool parent) so, I guess we have to be a little nosey. Hang in there!
Meanmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:10pm

Yes, I check DD (15yo) MySpace periodically. I have her screen name and password. She knows I check it. I check her friends pages too by accessing them through her page. My goodness, some of the sights I've seen on their pages! Kids are so naive. DD was "talking" to a kid her age at another high school, that she "met" through a mutual friend. He had pictures of a recent beach trip, pot laying on the bed, fridge full of beer. This kid is 15. Another picture of a former "good" friend of DD, showed her naked pressed up against her boyfriend. This girl is 15 also. Obviously these kids parents don't check their MySpace pages. Matter of fact, I think I'm the ONLY mom of all DD friends who check their kids page.

DD shows me her page frequently. She works hard at making it look good and likes to show it off. So, the pictures, links and friends on her site are something we discuss.

The pictures I see on her friends sites; I keep my mouth shut about 90% of what I see. However, when DD wanted to hang out with the kid who had pot on his bed, I told her I had checked out his MySpace page (which she wasn't thrilled to hear about). I told her the images of pot and underage drinking were NOT cool. I try and stress to her, don't post anything on-line that you don't want the world to see.

I realize these pages are a fantasy world for most of these young kids. They tailor their pages to look cool and to gain acceptance. A lot of them don't understand that just because their page is set to "Private" it's not really private. It seems the more "friends" you have the cooler you are. They don't seem to get it, that their 300+ friends, have friends, who have friends, who have friends, etc. When you think about it, the number of people who can access our kids sites is pretty scary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 12:46pm

Yes, I check it frequently, DD is 16. I got her password when she first signed up. And thank goodness! Last year, she became "involved" with a guy on Furcadia.com. He was supposedly a 19 year old college student in Canada. He had a My Space page but it looked fake to me, I think it was an older guy. He was being very sexual with her, in fact, they were having internet sex. By the time I found out, he was contacting her in other ways. I downloaded PC Tattletale and managed to block him, and block her from going back to Furcadia.

She has a more active social life now, and spends only a small amount of time on the internet. She goes to a small Performing Arts charter school and there aren't many boys, or any kids that live near us. But this year she started driving, got a used car, and worked over the summer. Now she's dating, or "hanging out". I check out the guys on My Space, and it's quite an education. But it is some comfort to me since I have a good idea about what she is up to. She seems to have moved on from the incident last year, and is pretty much a "good girl". We will see what happens when she gets a real boyfriend.

I'm glad to have found this board! I'm sure I will be around.

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