Do you ever feel almost akward with your

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Do you ever feel almost akward with your
5
Sat, 09-09-2006 - 3:54pm

teen around? This might have something to do with the fact that my DD is also at dad's half time, we share custody. I am remarried with a 3 year old as well. It has something to do with the fact that she is back and forth and I think, has a hard time fitting back into this house when she comes here. Well, I don't mean fitting in. But if her dad is gone for a business trip and she is here for 2 or 3 weeks instead of going back and forth, by the second week we are back into a family groove and it feels good. She is 15, so the teenage stuff anyway, lol, but in general it improves. But the back and forth stuff is causing the house to feel a bit more awkward when she comes back, even for the week. Her dad and I share physical custody so she is literally half and half. She likes it though as we live very close anyway. So at this age, for her sake, I would not change it. It just doesn't feel like things "fit" when she come back. And I love her dearly, she is a good kid, loves her brother to pieces etc. Just sort of always feels like things are sort of out of place . Just wondering if anyone else feels that way. When she is gone, it feels more relaxed, but not right. She is clearly missing. But when she comes back, things are different. Like I said, when we have extended time as a family everything is really perfect actually.

Lisa


*HUGS* TOTAL!

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Sat, 09-09-2006 - 9:11pm

I've got friends that do the back and forth stuff and it is difficult especially when there are other kids that are on a different visitation schedule or, as in your case, there all the time. The kids feel like they need a few days to figure out what they missed and to get caught. The parents feel like they need a few days to figure out which kids are actually in the house and which ones are gone. His kids rotate like yours. Her kids are are gone every other weekend but then holidays and summers are completely different. Plus they have one together that's there all the time. Both parents in this house have mentioned how difficult the adjustments are. So I'm guessing what you are experiencing is fairly normal. But I'm also guessing knowing it's fairly normal probably doesn't make it any easier.

How often do you talk to DD when she's at her dads? Do you talk everyday so that she knows what's going on in the house and you know what's going on with her? You might try taking her somewhere for the first hour or so back just the two of you and trying to reconnect. I'm not real sure what the answer is to solve the problem but I hope it helps to know that you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 9:14am
No real btdt experience on this one, other than when my DS come home from their various military assignments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 3:18pm
That all makes sense. I was sort of feeling like a bad mom for thinking things felt a bit uncomfortable for a few days after she comes back. Not really uncomfortable, just a bit out of sync, but that does make sense.


*HUGS* TOTAL!

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Registered: 02-18-2005
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 9:18pm

Not exactly the same, but I've noticed that we are more relaxed when there are only 2 or 3 of us (me, my DH, DD15, DS7). I think it's because there are fewer people's interests/egos to take into account. We like our "all four" time, but also love the times when we are "two and two". When my DD was away for two weeks, we missed her like heck, but it was also fun to just focus on one kid. Similarly, when DS went to my folks' for 3 days. I would imagine that this feeling is intensified with the shared custody arrangement.

((HUGS))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 11:57am

I was your child. I lived one week at Mom's and then one week at Dad's. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I did this until I went to college. I can only say it's really hard for your daughter too. I would just start to feel comfortable and then it was time to go to other parents home. My parents did not speak at all so phone calls during the week did not happen. I guess looking back I could have made phone calls but I was always worried about offending the parents house I was at. They never spoke badly about each other but I never felt at ease speaking about the other parent in the company of the other parent. They had different rules, they each had "signficant others" and when I would leave I would feel guilty because it felt like I was abandoning one parent or the other. I didn't have parties when I graduated from high school or college because I didn't want to offend either parent and I knew whoevers house it was at the other wouldn't come. I couldn't wait to go to college so I could be normal and not have to move every week.

All that being said, I knew I was loved and wanted at each home. I didn't have a bad childhood because of this. I love my parents. Even the "no talking thing" with my parents I understand now "they did the best they knew how" and at least they didn't put down the other. It was just hard because I truly wanted to be at both places at the same time.

I can't imagine what it would feel like to be in your shoes. I'm sure you are doing a great job! The teen years are tough as a kid and even tougher when you're the parent (my dd is 15). Good luck!!