Do you get to know their SO's families?
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| Mon, 07-02-2007 - 3:36pm |
My dd and J have been dating for almost a year now. Dh was home for the weekend and was doing lots of odds and ends around the house. DD went to J's house for a family gathering (which is ALL the time) over the weekend and when she came home, she relayed the message that J's family wanted to get together with us. Dh told dd that he didn't have time this weekend (he left this morning). I feel kind of rude now. I'm not a terribly social person. I have formally met J's mom once and we briefly chatted at J's house when dd got her braces off (lol 6 months ago!!). I've spoken to J's dad once, again briefly as we passed in their driveway. Our extended families have known each other in passing for years. I would love to get to know them better, I'm just so terrible at this. I hate hosting things at my house and if I did I would rather dh be here too (he's the sociable one.) Should I invite his mother out to lunch or something? IDK I am sooooo bad at these types of things..... I just feel bad turning down the invitation and knowing dd, she was blunt about it (lol "Dad doesn't have time" sounds kind of rude doesn't it?)
***For those that don't know, dh is active duty military and is stationed in another state. We are still married lol, but living apart for the next 5 and a half years lol***


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Oh my, I am so much like you. I am terrible at this stuff. My dd has been dating the same guy for almost 3 years and they are talking about getting engaged and I still have not a one on one with his mom. He was a football player and my dd and I went to some games and his mom was there and we talked. Just stuff like that, never anything formal.
I think lunch is a great idea. Actually my dd and I have talked about that and her b/f had mentioned it to his mom and she said she would love to do that. I think that would be nice. My dd and I would both go. And now my dd tells me that his mom is having a Mary Kay party and inviting me. AHHHH I am like you, I am a nice person, but I never know what to say. Going out to lunch is kinda neutral territory, that might be easier.
Andie
Hehe you're better than me that you actually chatted with the mom at the games!! DD is a cheerleader and BF is a football player and I didn't even talk to them there!! One of the games was our "formal introduction." And that was last September??? When dd had mono, I took her to one of J's track meets and his parents were there, lol I never went near them. When dd was cheering for J's brother's basketball games, I completely avoided his parents!!! I'm terrible!
I know at one point J's mom and dd were talking about taking some sort of art class together, maybe I could jump in on that too?? I will talk to dd and see what she says about lunch. From what dd says, J's mom is a total ditz (which explains why she and dd get along so good) and his dad is a total smart@$$ - I think that is what I'm worried about lol.... They've lived here all their lives (just like dh and his entire family) and I feel like such an outsider.... I know I come off as a total snob or whatever, but like you say, I'm clueless as to how to make "small talk."
Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone and I would love to know if you do your "get together" and how it goes!! I'm nervous lol....
You and your DH should make a point to meet with the parents. It is important to your daughter and should be important to you and your DH.
Call and explain that your husband has limited time at home. Set up an afternoon get-together (at your house) with the two families. Don't do anything fancy; pot luck will be fine.
Have not been in that situation yet - DD's most recent "relationship" ended just a couple of weeks after I introduced myself to the mom.
But I agree that you could call and tell the mom about your DH being active duty, and that's why the weekend time is tough. Instead of meeting for lunch, maybe a cup of coffee somewhere? It's a shorter time, and if things go well, you can do another time. Then plan ahead for a time when DH will be home - let him have some warning, so he can be relaxed and have the time. My DH is not in your situation at all, but he wouldn't like an impromptu invitation - he'd like time to plan.
Sue
You know, I am really not sure how much you 'need to know' the parents.
I just wasn't sure what the "norm" was in this situation. They are young and it's not like an engagement is on the horizon (of course in their minds they are together forever). His family is quite social and every weekend have gatherings at their home, mostly family. This is why I thought lunch with just the mom to start out with would be less stressful, atleast for me!! Dh and I are really struggling with the new state of our relationship right now. They all know dh is active military. I will talk with dd and see what she suggests. Dd is extremely social and fits right in with this family. They absolutely adore her - they bought her gifts for Christmas, Valentines and her birthday. DD and J's brother are getting ready to start driver's ed together and we will have to be there at the orientation, so maybe we can come up with something then.
Thank you all for your input, now I just need to work up the courage to do this.
My social skills need work so take this with a grain of salt
To me, 'need to get together sometime' sounds like one of those off hand remarks that may or may not be followed up on. I would not feel compelled to make plans because of that general a remark.
The driver's ed opportunity sounds awesome! Your choice of conversation topic is right there in front of you.
You should just take a deep breath and strike up a conversation. It shounds like his mom and your dd are becoming friends, so there is your common ground. You are her mother and if your anything like me, I love talking about my dd. I know exactly what you mean though. The first couple games we went to, I just sat there. Then I just started acting as friendly as I could and it helped.
The good thing is, woman usually can find all kinds to yack about. By nature, we love to talk, just ask our husbands.
Let me know how things are progressing.
I don't know if you mind some alcohol, but maybe a lunch with a nice glass of white wine could break the ice. That is exactly what I am planning Lol
Andie
We met the family of dd's BF after *almost* a year when prom time rolled around. His mom came over for pictures and then stayed for a little while after to chat. It was very light and easy conversation.
The next time we were social was a few months later for dd's 18th birthday. I extended an invitation at dd's request, along with some other friends and family. Again, it was very casual and light, and not a long night. They in turn invited us over for Easter dessert, which was nice - we got to meet some more of his family. And finally, the last time we socialized with bf's familiy was for dd's graduation party. They came over, met everyone and it was a good time. Unfortunately, things went awry after that and dd and the bf broke up a few months later.
You seem very nervous about it and perhaps you should lower your expectations of a meeting. I think lunch sounds nice, but instead of out (where you have to worry about the check, etc.) how about at your house? Now that the weather is nice, you could have a nice salad and iced tea on the patio, followed by a walk through a local park or in your gardens, if you have. Keeping it casual and easy will put you at ease and it will also afford you the opportunity to explain why your H is not always available and when he is, he prefers to relax with his immediate family. Do you have a pool? Perhaps you could extend a swim/lunch date. Whatever you do, just remember to keep it simple and plan for 3 hours. Lunch is great because most people have to get home or back to work for something and won't hang out for hours on end, it's less expensive than dinner and easier to keep casual. Keep it simple whatever you do. Best of luck.
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