Do you have any secrets from your Mom?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 8:02am |
I have been thinking about this recently as we (both here on the board, and in real life) have been talking about things we "find out" about our kids that they've kept secret. I know that there are things about my teen and young adult life that my mother doesn't know. I wasn't a bad kid by a long shot, but I'm pretty sure I never talked to her about who I hooked up with, or any of the details. And even though I'm 40+, there are some things I would never tell her.
Actually, it seems like my DD tells me stuff that I never told my mom LOL. And then I know there are things she's never told me - like I'm pretty sure there was drinking at the Softball End-of-Year Sleepover.
I think of this because some of us get so shocked that our kids keep secrets or do stuff we don't exactly approve of....but then I think that some of this is normal teen behavior - separating from your parents, keeping your own life separate. In my case, as long as my daughter continues to do well in school and is basically respectful, I'm going to try to learn to be less concerned about what secrets she's keeping from me.

I think it's healthy for our kids to keep secrets from us parents at times. It helps them to work things out on their own by bouncing them off friends instead of always seeking advice from mom or dad. I think having their own lives and keeping things from us can be a small sign of maturity even, depending on what the secret is.
I can look back at when I was a teen and I feel as if I almost led a double life. There were lots of things I did and places I went that I never told my mom about and she never asked. It was understood that she expected me to behave well and make good choices about who I was with and where I was going. If I made a bad choice, as most kids do once in a while, it was up to me to solve whatever problems arose from that bad choice. Rarely did my parents have to intervene on my behalf and when they did, there were no discussions - they acted swiftly and just, even if I didn't think so at the time. I think that's healthier than the way so many parents today micromanage their teens, young adults, discussing every little thing. Failing once in a while is probably the best way for most of them to learn about real life, IMO.
There are some who would now say, "Ignorance is Bliss", but I do not feel as if I'm ignorant in any way about what my dds are doing. First of all, they tell me things that would have blown my mother's mind if I had shared them with her. And secondly, when push comes to shove, if they need me, they call on my help. But first they try and work things out on their own. In particular, my 19dd will bounce things off of me, confide in me and share things with me, knowing that I will not preach or tell her what to do unless she is actually asking for advice. I have even told her on a couple of occasions that she needs to "share this with a girly friend because I am too close to her" - we both laugh and she is okay. With dd17, I do have more of a hand in helping her out mainly because of her health issues and past mistakes. But we're trying to let her work things out more on her own and in her own fashion. It's like two steps forward and one step back most of the time, but I am confident that she will get there.
My mom is 84 now and very much "with it". When we talk about the good old days she only remembers the good! She is so funny to talk with because although my siblings and I never thought she was all that attentive, she knew every little thing we were up to! And she was cool about so many things that back then I thought she was such a pill about. Haha -
I kept a lot of secrets from my mom growing up and they all have come out over the years...but not until I was grown and started my own family. The only secrets I keep from my mom these days are the ones I know will make her worry, like about my dd17. :op
My 19 dd certainly tells me more than I would have ever told my mom. To set the time frame, I am 50 AHHHHH. Oh, my mother may have known things, but we did not talk about them. Like the other posts, as long as my grades were good and I wasn't in any trouble, the private things she didn't question and I kept them to myself. And from the crowd I was with then, that's how it was for all of them too. We were close to our moms, but not that close!!!
In fact, I don't know about you other Moms, but it makes a little uncomfortable sometimes the things my dd does tell me. I try to be cool and answer all the questions, her and I are very close. She does come to me with almost everything and I love her even more for it, but sometimes I had to make sure I wasn't making the facial expressions that matched what was going on in my head. Now I know she has to have some secrets and I don't know everything, but she is very open perhaps to a fault sometimes.
Andie
I didnt tell my mom anything I thought would disappoint her
However, I would not have hesitated to confide in her if I was in trouble with an unplanned pregnancy, for example-there was never 'fear' my parents would disown me or the infamous "kill me"-it was about wanting to please them and sharing how enjoyable pot smoking was in college didnt fit that category
I suspect they knew more than they let on just as I do about my kids.
My mother still knows very little about my teenage and growing up years. It's not that I did anything so terrible, or was afraid of either of my parents or what they would do/react to my carrying-ons, it's that I never had a very close relationship with my parents and didn't ever feel I could go to them or talk to them.
If the term 'helicopter parents' existed in the 70's, my parents fell into the 'submarine parents' category -- only surfacing occassionally to make sure my brother and I were still alive. I had no rules, curfew or consequences to anything (I went from a straight A student freshman year to a C/D student by senior year and heard not a peep from them about it). They knew who I was dating, (if it was someone I dated more than once) who my prom date was, who my good friends were and my 'tentative' plans for the evening and/or weekend, but other than that, they didn't (and still don't) have a clue.
I wouldn't say I was a wild child, but I pushed the limits. Thankfully, I was a very shy person growing up, so my own inhibitions stopped me from getting completely out of control. The truth is, if my parents knew I was drinking and experimenting with pot, they would have been the parents who said 'if you're going to drink, bring your friends here and we'll all get drunk together.' In fact, that's what they did why my older brother.
And anything about sex? Forget it ... it was never discussed -- even when I sat across the dinner table from my mother with hickeys all over my neck.
The cirumcstances of C's life thus far have been pretty tame compared to most teens. There are some things however, that I learn that do surprise me, but again, pretty tame and imo, there's nothing wrong with her having a life of her own and that doesn't include sharing every detail of it with me.
Mom's been gone for almost 15 years now, but there were some things I did in my teens and 20s that I *never* shared, nor would I now if she were still alive. And the things I did share with her, were shared long after the fact--as in *years* after the fact. :)
My mom was *very* strict and *very* controlling, so by the time I hit those teenage years, it was, well, trying to say the least. I was shipped off to an "alternative" school when I was 16 for almost a year. The second I turned 18 (but was still in hs), I moved out of the house. But, before I did that, my mom ran away from home! LOL I can laugh about it now, but then, I thought my dad was going to kill me--I was, after all, the one who caused the whole mess. At any rate, she came home and I left. I have very, very few happy memories of my teenage years.
edited to add: after re-reading this, I wanted it said that I was not *that* bad. I didn't do drugs (then), didn't have psychological problems (cutting, violence, etc), no problems with the police. I just wasn't a dutiful daughter. I didn't learn to smoke cigarettes until I went to the "alt" school, but I had tried alcohol. Oh. And I was going out with the hometown's "bad boy." I just didn't want to leave the impression I was some drugged-up ex-con here. :)
That being said, my mom and I had a truce going by the time I was 20, and actually became pretty good friends by the time I was 30 (and I am so glad--she was gone by the time I was 37). But we never got to the point where I shared current happenings. (I was engaged for a couple of months or so before I worked up the courage to tell my mom and I was 29. It took nearly that long to tell her when I got pregnant--and I was 31 and MARRIED!)
I am always AMAZED at the things I read here about what kids are sharing with their parents. I'm amazed sometimes at the things my own kids share with me. At least my kids aren't afraid to share with me, so I take much comfort in that. They know I will be there for them always.
Edited 8/9/2007 1:40 pm ET by mjaye2002
My mother was so wrapped up in raising my 8 younger sibs (the last born my senior yr of hs) that she was pretty clueless what I was really doing when I was away from home.
I believe in having a nice balance, but I also think that being a fully grown parental adult is not on the same level as an up and coming young adult, a teen, a minor.
I would not give up my passwords to my dds, yet I most definitely would expect them to give me theirs. Not so much my 19dd, but definitely my 17dd. Just the way it is. They are NOT my peers, at least not yet, and that's life. Too bad if they can't understand that; one day they will when they have their own kids.
Recently, while in a counseling session with my 17dd, she asked me a personal question about something that ocurred between my H and I last year. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told her it was private and that my relationship with my H is none of her business. I told her that her relationship with him is her business and that I would only respond to questions concerning that relationship, not mine. I wish I could detail what the question was, but I can't. Anyway, I looked to the counselor for guidance and she merely shook her head in the affirmative and smiled to signify that I had responded appropriately. I don't mind sharing some things with my dds, but this was a very personal question and I don't think there was an answer that would have appeased her at that time.
It is one thing to have mutual respect for one another's privacy, but as a parent I believe that there are times when privacy is a privilege that they must earn and sometimes that does not come until they are an adult.