Do you let your kids try alcohol?
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| Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:25pm |
I have heard opinions on both sides of this issue so I'd be interested in hearing responses.
I'm asking whether or not you would let your (underage) kids try alcohol in your own home. Obviously, they can't order it in a bar and I'm not talking about having a party or giving it to anyone else's kids, which is obviously stupid.
Sure, I know it's illegal but when I was a teen, my dad would actually order a drink for me in a restaurant (the drinking age then was 18). I come from an Italian family who usually had wine w/ a Sunday or holiday dinner, not every night. Later on, I realized that my dad was probably an alcoholic who didn't like to drink alone. When I went to college and it was legal, I hardly ever drank. I have never liked the taste of beer and mostly there were keg parties. I used to go to a party w/ my own can of Tab (Diet Coke hadn't been invented yet, that's how old I am.) Even now, my DH can't drink cause he's on medication and even when we go out, I'm more likely to order soda than wine. Once in a while, I'll have a glass, but we are hardly big drinkers. I have actually told my 17 yo DD that if she really has this urge to try a drink, I'll let her have one at home. So far, she doesn't care. She has tried sips of beer and wine and didn't like either. Of course, she hasn't tried any of those nice fruity drinks that taste great.
I also remember that when we went on our class trip to Italy (where there was no drinking age at that time, some kids really went wild. To me, it was no big deal.)
Now I have read that this is the totally wrong approach, that parents should never under any circumstances let their kids try alcohol. I wonder if that's true. Of course, if my DD wanted to try drugs, I wouldn't supply that since I have never tried any and certainly wouldn't know where to get it, but one diff. is that drugs will always be illegal, while eventually she will be old enough to drink and I don't want her to go crazy. It really worried me when I hear stories about college kids binge drinking and dying or getting into accidents. A couple of years ago, 2 girls in her school did die from a drunk driving accident, so I know that did have an impact on her. Her close friend's sister was supposed to be w/ those girls that night except that she was grounded.
What do you think is the best way to keep kids from drinking excessively?

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"What do you think is the best way to keep kids from drinking excessively?"
I was a crazy drinker in my high school years and a few years afterwards. Dh wasn't much of a partier in high school, but he does like his beer now and if he is home we almost always have beer in our house. When we lived in Germany, we always had alcohol in our home.
With dd - I try to make her see how alcohol will/can affect her. She has told me of the few times she has drank and we take that as an extra opportunity to discuss the cons. Dh and I have different beliefs on this issue - he believes we should let them drink in our home, I believe no, maybe sips every now and then, but drink to get drunk - um no!
I try to make sure dd knows all the ramifications of drinking to get drunk has - and I have given her some of my history of it (I NEVER drink now - can't stand the smell of any of it.) I almost killed myself driving drunk (and thank GOD many times that I didn't kill anyone else), too many sexual experiences at too young of an age thanks to my drinking, and nowadays with the date rate drugs - I think drinking terrifies me more than anything else. We had quite a few kids in my graduating class die in accidents and 2 die of alcohol poisoning.
She has the type of personality that if she drinks to get drunk, she will make a fool out of herself - whether if be dancing on tables, naked or something of that nature. And that terrifies me. I think her grandfather (my dh's father) has a drinking problem and she has seen him when he is trashed so hopefully that discourages her.
I know she is going to and it terrifies me - she recently told me of drinking a shot of rum and I had to bite my tongue thinking to myself, you bonehead you don't drink rum straight LOL....but no let her think it's nasty.
I don't know - she has this thought (and always has) that party girls are "cool" - I was just talking about this with her aunt the other day and we just don't get why she would want to drink. We both drank (as teens) because it gave us an open personality such as the one dd has - we can't figure out what it would have to offer dd, who is already so vivacious and funny.
DD is tiny too, so it wouldn't take much to get her wasted and that terrifies me - I'm sure I'll get blasted for this, but I would so much rather her try pot than drink. I know pot is completely illegal, but it doesn't have the same effect as heavy drinking. I know she won't do pot, so don't think I am encouraging it, this is just from my experience...if I HAD to choose....this is how much I HATE the thought of her drinking....
Yes, I would let my teenager try alcohol in the privacy of our home. I don't mean "drink" it though. I've let him try wine, Bailey's, etc. He doesn't really like it so there's no issue of him trying to sneak more. If we have something new, I would not hesitate to let him take a sip.
Lisa
DS14 so far isn't remotely interested; dh and I rarely drink and when we do, ds gets all over us about it (we might split a beer a couple times/year). He sees his uncles having multiple beers at family functions and comments on it in a huff. He's seen a friend of the family quite intoxicated and that repulsed him to no end. So, so far, we've been lucky that we haven't had to cross that bridge. He has tasted beer and wine (tiny sip) a couple times at home or a family function and finds it 'disgusting' to date. He's very open with us so far about everything, so I'm hoping it stays that way; we talk about everything and anything (in small doses; no lectures!).
Sue
I've thought of this many times. I have let my kids have a sip of my wine, beer at different times. The problem is with wine coolers. They would love to have some of that. And I have a problem with it because they wouldn't realize they are drinking alcohol. My solution since they became teens has been to limit alcohol in my home drastically i.e., dh and I just don't drink anymore, which is not a problem for us. But as you know, this really isn't a solution.
If you are talking about learning how to drink socially, which I do believe you are (not getting drunk, etc.) I do think that there may be some value to letting them learn how to at home. Let's face it, drinking socially is something we will all do at some point, as it is not illegal. Drinking to get drunk, another story entirely.
I'm on the fence about this. I don't have to worry about ds16 drinking to get drunk - when he was younger he had the misfortune of meeting one of bil's "friends" who was drunk off his ass and made a total fool out of himself. He has never forgotten it. I do worry about dd14, though. I do believe she has already done some drinking at H.'s house before I forbid her going over there. I have never seen her drunk, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened, kwim?
I guess I just worry that if I start this I will open up a whole can of worms, and suddenly they will expect to be able to let their friends have a wine cooler or what not, and it will quickly spiral out of control. Let me know what you decide.
I guess some of it depends on the personality of the kid, if you feel that letting your DD drink at home might lead to her drinking on the sly, it would be diff. Also, I wouldn't let a 14 yo have a drink (except just a sip) since that seems pretty young to me. By the time they are 17, they are going to college next year, maybe away from home, and there's much more of a chance of being exposed to alcohol.
I know that raising the drinking age to 21 was supposed to stop teens from drinking but I just think it has gone more underground. My cousin was an RA at college and was always finding beer, etc. in the kids' rooms.
So far my DD has expressed no interest in drinking and thinks that the kids in the neighborhood who drink, use drugs and smoke are "losers" and she doesn't want anything to do w/ them. The kids she hangs around w/ seem to be the good kids, but I don't think they are perfect and a lot of so-called good kids will try a drink. I know she told me a couple of years ago about 2 of her friends who tried pot (courtesy of an older brother) and she ended up having an argument w/ them because she really disapproved. So far I don't have to face this issue because she has no interest in trying it. She seemed kind of shocked that I said I might let her try it at home because I am pretty straight laced.
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I honestly don't know the answer to that. Both my parents were and still are heavy drinkers. In fact, I'd say they are alcoholics. Growing up, me and my DB were always allowed to drink, in fact it was encouraged to have a drink with mom and dad -- especially at holidays. I have memories of mom and dad being too hungover to get out of bed to throw up, so there were buckets of water at each side of their bed that they put there the night before.
I however, felt that getting drunk with mom and dad was just disgusting and embarassing, so I rarely ever did. My DB though, had his share of drunks with mom and dad.
That said, DB and I were both pretty big into the drinking/bar scene once we left home, but once I became a parent, I pretty much stopped drinking. I do have an occassional glass of wine -- usually at Thanksgiving. I don't want my children to have any memories of me being drunk like I do of my parents.
DH does not drink a drop of anything, never has. But a very interesting thing happened last month when we were camping. We went with another family, and the wife handed me a beer. I hadn't had a beer in ages so I was mostly just carrying it around with me. DH said to both kids "Here's your chance to have a beer with my blessing. Go ahead and try it." Neither child could, though they both tried -- brought it up to their mouths but couldn't actually drink it.
I don't know what will happen once they get out on their own. I'd like to think they won't go crazy and binge, but you just never know.
<< ...too many sexual experiences at too young of an age thanks to my drinking, and nowadays with the date rate drugs - I think drinking terrifies me more than anything else.>>
You really should read 'The Tenth Circle"! All this, and more, is addressed in this book. And yes, I think it is appropriate for your DD to read. Payas, the teen adviser that pops in on this board from time to time, read it and really identified with the characters and the situation, because of the age similarities.
About twice a year, I will buy the single serving bottles of wine (4 to a pack). After DD turned 18, I did ask her once if she wanted to taste it. She said no. Other than that, we rarely have alcohol in our home. DH is an alcoholic (sober almost 7 years now) so its just not a good idea. I can have wine though b/c he never developed a taste for it (LOL).
I've also offered one to the oldest DD (24) and she will not drink in our home b/c of DH. She gets quite offended if I even have alcohol of any kind in the house.
I did a research paper once about teens and alcohol. The studies all indicated that teens from extreme homes (alcoholic or teatotallers) were more likely to binge drink while teens from occassional or social drinking homes did not binge drink and were less likely to drink underage. The theory was that the alcoholic and teatotalling homes hadn't demonstrated the "correct" way to drink. It was a big mystery of some sort to those kids.
I don't know if our answer is the right answer, but it's worked in our home.
I'm not sure what the best way is to keep kids from drinking. My oldest didn't drink at all until he went away to college. He joined a fraternity and I think drinking there was as bad as their reputation. The good part about that is that he was at a small school and I knew he was walking to the places he was drinking (or drinking at the house) so I didn't have to worry so much about the drinking and driving.
Middle son never went through the heavy drinking phase, but does drink socially.
I have a DS15 and I worry about the near future. He is pretty stay at home, so I don't worry right now. However, he also loves to push my buttons.
DH and I rarely drink. We bring wine home on occasional weekends, but not often. I have let DS sip only.
When the oldest (now 33 and on his own) turned 15 I decided that we should not keep alcohol around, even the wine coolers. I just didn't feel comfortable telling my kids, don't drink and especially "don't drink and drive," if we were having even one drink and then getting into the car. But I also didn't want it around for the temptation.
After that decision there has never been beer in my house in all that time was when my step kids (24 and 21) decided to break the "house" rule while they were visiting over Memorial weekend this year. DH's family members are big drinkers and DH drank a lot in his first marriage. He says his Dad is an alcoholic and he has a brother that definitely is an alcoholic also. DH quit drinking before he met me, but has had an occasional drink socially, usually when we are visiting his family. Honestly, drinking is what everything revolves around for his family, and that makes me uncomfortable. They get drunk, so I don't consider it just social drinking.
I really think it has a lot do with the child's personality, too. I've always felt that eventually they will try it out, and from what I see on MySpace of what is going on while SS is in college, the binge drinking is pretty scary. And I agree that if you try to go too extreme, either way, it will most likely lead to problems.
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