Do you let your kids try alcohol?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Do you let your kids try alcohol?
23
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:25pm

I have heard opinions on both sides of this issue so I'd be interested in hearing responses.

I'm asking whether or not you would let your (underage) kids try alcohol in your own home. Obviously, they can't order it in a bar and I'm not talking about having a party or giving it to anyone else's kids, which is obviously stupid.

Sure, I know it's illegal but when I was a teen, my dad would actually order a drink for me in a restaurant (the drinking age then was 18). I come from an Italian family who usually had wine w/ a Sunday or holiday dinner, not every night. Later on, I realized that my dad was probably an alcoholic who didn't like to drink alone. When I went to college and it was legal, I hardly ever drank. I have never liked the taste of beer and mostly there were keg parties. I used to go to a party w/ my own can of Tab (Diet Coke hadn't been invented yet, that's how old I am.) Even now, my DH can't drink cause he's on medication and even when we go out, I'm more likely to order soda than wine. Once in a while, I'll have a glass, but we are hardly big drinkers. I have actually told my 17 yo DD that if she really has this urge to try a drink, I'll let her have one at home. So far, she doesn't care. She has tried sips of beer and wine and didn't like either. Of course, she hasn't tried any of those nice fruity drinks that taste great.

I also remember that when we went on our class trip to Italy (where there was no drinking age at that time, some kids really went wild. To me, it was no big deal.)

Now I have read that this is the totally wrong approach, that parents should never under any circumstances let their kids try alcohol. I wonder if that's true. Of course, if my DD wanted to try drugs, I wouldn't supply that since I have never tried any and certainly wouldn't know where to get it, but one diff. is that drugs will always be illegal, while eventually she will be old enough to drink and I don't want her to go crazy. It really worried me when I hear stories about college kids binge drinking and dying or getting into accidents. A couple of years ago, 2 girls in her school did die from a drunk driving accident, so I know that did have an impact on her. Her close friend's sister was supposed to be w/ those girls that night except that she was grounded.

What do you think is the best way to keep kids from drinking excessively?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:08am

I drank in college-Id say pretty heavily but I only did so on weekends. Probably did some mdeium drinking the years after but never anything Id call a problem

Stopped when I had babies and toddlers. I was convinced if I had even a glass of wine theyd stop breathing and I wouldnt notice or something absurd like that!

Now I rarely drink and when I do, woohoo! One magarita and Im feeling FINE. Two would put me to sleep after I stumbled my way out of the restaurant

I dont know what allowed me to drink and party but never expand to weekday drinking in college and, while I certainly got drunk, I feel like I still always had an inner voice. Whatever it was I wish I could identify it and pass it on to my kids

My friend-her dad was an alcoholic and mom was bipolar-says she cant drink and stop. If its there, she WILL finish it and she will drink more and more until she is drinking all the time. This has been a marital issue for her as her DH is capable of having a beer now and then and cant understand why he has to keep alcohol out of the house(and I understand his confusion-I dont grasp it either)

DH used to be like that. He opened a bottle of wine-he had to finish it. Parties always meant he drank and drank. But if the alcohol wasnt around, it didnt phase him. He had no urge to buy it or go out to drink but, by golly, if it was there.....

Now, in just the past few years, he can have a glass of wine with dinner and cork the bottle for the next day. We in fact have wine in the house all the time and he drinks a glass or two a day. Six years ago that wouldnt have been possible

His brother died a few years ago-directly related to his slcoholism-perhaps that is the change???

I dont know-its so complex-Im not sure there is a whole lot we can do except stress moderation and safety

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 9:15am

I allow my 18dd to drink an occasional wine cooler or beer at home (only). She will be 19 and off at college soon and I will not delude myself into thinking she will abstain until she is 21 - I'd rather educate her, supervise her and be honest with one another about it. We recently went to a family wedding and I allowed her to have 3 drinks - I told her older cousin he could get get her 3 drinks total. She didn't even have a total of 3. I also allowed my 16dd to have one drink - she chose a beer and drank half, she didn't like it.

As alcoholism runs in our families, I've always been very diligent about discussing addictions and how my dds' genetics may play a role to that end. I've always told them that it is normal to want to experiment with alcohol and if they find themselves at a party and need a ride home, any hour, to call me - I will come for them, they will not be punished. I only offer wine or a beer to my 18dd at special occasions, holidays, or during family parties and only in our home and under my supervision.

I feel that with the proper information and a certain level of restrictions and allowances, they will learn to drink alcohol responsibly. I think it's ignorant and short sighted for our government or any parent to believe that making the "drinking age" 21 is going to stop our children from experimenting. I think that alcohol education, along with sex and drug education begins at home and at an early age.

I personally think the Eurpeans have had the right idea all along...there should be NO 'drinking age'. Here in the US, it seems, the more taboo something is the more we want it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 11:15am

I've been sort of mulling this over and wanted add another comment about it.

I don't think there is any magic formula, technique or theory that will guarantee someone won't drink excessively or binge. I do think, however, that the personality, temperment, genetic make-up, etc., play a major role in this.

DH came from a home where alcohol was not present -- ever. His parents are complete and total teetotallers. They are extremely disciplined about everything in their lives and always have been. I think they take it a little to the extreme, kwim? If I was 75+ years old, I think I'd have the occassional cookie and to h**l with my weight, cholesteral or tryglicerides. DH and his younger DB do not drink, nor have they ever. DH's older DB and younger DS do have the occassional glass of wine or margarita. Not excessive and I doubt either one has actually every been drunk.

I mentioned my parents are drinkers, and heavy ones at that. They were also heavy smokers for dozens of years. They just appear to have addictive personalities. My DB does too. He was/is a smoker (can't quite completely) and was a heavy drinker when he was younger. He still does drink, but not to the extremes he used to. My kids and I spent a weekend with my family last month -- DB had rented one of those big 30+ party barges to take onto a lake. As soon as we pulled away from the dock, he and my DF brought out the booze. It wasn't until I asked who was going to drive the boat if they were going to be drinking (my 12yo DS, maybe?) that they actually took time to think about it.

And while I did my fair share of drinking when I was younger, it was never excessive and I found it just as easy to say 'no' or pass on going out or to a party, than I did to say 'yes'. I can see DD steering clear of alcohol during her teenage years, and possibly longer, but I can totally see DS being exactly opposite. There still young enough though, that it remains to be seen what actually happens.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and not saying very well!, is that I don't think there are any guarantees about this.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 11:23am
I'll add a funny story. Once when my DD was little, she saw my mom and aunt were going to split one can of beer between the 2 of them. They hardly ever drink beer except once in a while in the summer. She was just SHOCKED because she thought only men drank beer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 1:51pm

It is funny because I just had this conversation the other day. My husband and I only have a beer or glass of wine on occasions and we don't even keep it in the house. My daughter is 18 and a freshman in college, dry campus, so they say hahaha. It is a private catholic college. She never liked the taste of alcohol of any kind and didn't drink so I never had the occasion to have the talk. However, her b/f brother is a senior at another college and they go and visit him once in a while. I know she had a few drinks there, I didn't really make a fuss. I know with both of them there, she will be taken care of and they don't leave the room.

Yes, I have let her have a sip at home, she just never really liked it much. On the other hand, if this helps, her b/f's mother would not let her boys drink at all at home. Now the one that is 21 drinks pretty reguarly at school. My daughter's b/f who is not old enough has been known to tie one on at a couple of parties with his football buddies. So maybe the little taste helps them from wanting to try it out where they have more pressure to get drunk.

Andie

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:08pm

I grew up in a home where we were allowed to sip off mom or dad's beer or wine. I actually eventually developed favorites and I know now that if my dad likes a wine, I'll like it too, but not necessarily the same with my mom. Funny how that is. BUT, I do not let my kids have sips. My oldest DS18, his bio father is both an alcoholic and a drug addict, recovering, and I've always told my ds that he just can't drink. It's not an option for him at all. And, since he was an only child until 7 and I a single mom until he was 9, I was able to treat alcohol with great respect, and we treated pop the same way. If I wanted a wine cooler, I bought *1* and at the same time, I would buy him *1* pop. He never saw me finish a drink and he never saw me drink to excess (which I did, but not if he would see me). He went to the "senior camp out" which is code for kegger. I allowed him to go, never said a word about what I believed would happen there. Only 2 kids weren't totally wasted. He told me when he arrived that there was beer every where there, and I only told him, very calmly, that he knows he can't drink and he said he knows that. He called me late in the evening and was telling me that the kids were all so drunk and being so stupid and this boy was fighting with that boy over that girl who was dating someone else all together but hanging on a 4th boy. You know how high school crap is. He was shocked at the behavior of his peers. He said he had 1 beer, which I almost doubt he finished a beer. He also admitted in the morning that there was pot there and I suspect other drugs. I don't think he'll ever really drink to excess, but only time will tell. I'm afraid if he gets started, he won't be able to stop. He's either gonna be like me or like his father and there is no in between.

I've used the same line on my dd who is only 11. I do not allow any of my children to sip off my wine or other drink. We drink rarely anyway, either on occasion or on Thanksgiving, Christmas and maybe New Years day, and with dinner always. I tell her she can not drink because there is alcoholism in her family history. This won't work with my much younger boys because I'm married to their father and they know he's not an alcoholic. But they will still be told that they can not drink. When they are old enough to need a reason, I will come up with something really great. Maybe it will be that they have a blood clotting disorder and can't drink. I have one and can't drink because of it, but they haven't been tested.

I don't think there is a sure fire way to keep kids from drinking to excess. It helps if they know a sloppy drunk or are very close to someone and lose them to alcohol related reasons. It brings home strongly all the valid reasons to not drink.

I know a girl that was allowed to drink freely as much as she wanted, whenever she wanted, at home and underage. When she turned 21, this history only meant that she could consume more before falling over. She drank a lot (A LOT) for about 10-15 years before she finally slowed down. She always talked badly about her own mother's "drinking problem" but never saw her own at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 3:10pm

I am also from an Italian heritage family so I too have the experience of having a half a glass of wine at the table or a little bit of beer with my dinner pretty much from the time I was maybe 11 or 12. I can't even remember how far back actually it was before I tasted wine. It was just such a normal thing.

Now my dad and my uncles drank ALOT. They weren't acoholics but when it was a special occasion they weren't shy about having a few drinks. And my dad to this day (and he is almost 70) takes out his bottle of wine in the morning, leaves it on the sink with a glass next to it and by end of day its gone. Interestingly out of my entire extended family (and its a big one) I can only think of maybe 2 people who had some issues with alcohol later in life and neither of them really serious. So the fact that all of us had access to wine and beer fairly early on didn't impact us.

I have friends who have 16, 17 yo sons and don't mind them having a bottle of beer at home. They don't provide booze to all their buddies -- just to their sons. So far...no issues.

My kids are still pretty young. My dd is 15 and my son 11. I've let my kids taste champagne (neither of them like it). Neither of them is interested at all in even tasting wine or beer -- just don't care to even try. But if they did I'd let them have a try. I personally see no reason to mystify alcohol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 9:25am

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We don't allow any alcohol in our home. Dh and I don't drink and we do not allow anyone to drink while at our home. If someone even brings a bottle of wine to dinner, we explain that we have a dry house and that the thought was appreciated. The wine is not opened.

There is no way htat I would allow my son to try alcohol in my home. Doesn't matter how old he is. It's simply not allowed in the house.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:08am

I am wondering why you do not allow any alcohol in your home? Is it due to alcoholism, religious reasons or something else? While I certainly could respect your opinion and decision not to have alcohol, I wonder if you are going to make this more enticing for your kids by forbidding it totally. If your kids were over 21, would you object to them having a drink in a restaurant, for ex., or at a wedding?

I don't allow smoking in my home because it really bothers me, plus my son has asthma, so that's all he needs, so I do understand that people can do whatever they want in their home. I would hope that my kids never smoke, although I know I can't control what they do when they are adults. Since 2 of their grandparents died from smoking-related diseases, I hope they never do. I am not against drinking per se. I just think that adults should be responsible, not overdo it and not drink and drive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:06pm

I never kept it in the house. We were just social drinkers. I knew the kids would try it on their own. I found a quart bottle of beer under our son's bed one day while cleaning. I put it in the fridge. I didn't say a thing. Next thing I knew it was in the trash still full. He's 27 now and likes a little beer now and then but was never a big drinker so he say's. Wait a minute, I remember the time he showed up late for a church occasion still reeking of it. College party the night before. He asked for gum and I gave him a red hot fireball to make him suffer.

P.S. How do you know that drugs will always be illegal?