Do you spoil your children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Do you spoil your children?
10
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:43pm

Honestly I am going to have to say Yes. I know for a fact that I spoil my children, but it is not like I am giving them without them working hard for it. I watched Oprah yesterday and the show basically said that spoiling your kids actually limits them. It makes them angry and they wont have as strong of a sense of worth when they get older.

I am a little concerned for my children, but at the same time not because my son is fine. He is a freshman in college and is actually doing better now than he did in high school. He doesn't have to have a job, but he has a part time one, he doesn't ask for money, and he volunteers with different organizations. My spoiling did not make him into an incompitent monster.

My daughter is just the same. She works extremely hard in school, taking almost all AP courses, goes to ballet, and volunteers, so I reward her for her for her hard work. She doesn't expect anything and is appreciative of everything.

So do you spoil your children? Are they monsters or can they take care of themselves? DO you think that it is a bad thing?

Adelaide

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:07pm

I prefer to think of mine as 'indulged' rather than spoiled. Yes they have just about all the 'toys' of today's teenage world, more stuff than they actually 'need', most of what they 'want' and are pretty well traveled on top of it all. That doesn't make them bad kids, nor does it make me a bad parent.

I think it is extremely unfair for a childless person of another generation -- like Oprah -- to make statements like this. It is such a different world than the one we (or she) was raised in. While there is something to be said for 'giving too much' to our children, I don't think people can make reasonable comparisons -- or judgements -- about this, especially if they don't have children themselves. And you can bet, that if Oprah DID have children, they would be spoiled, indulged and would want for naught -- just the same as most teenagers today. I doubt they would be much different.

The 'it's a different world' is a very tough concept for our parents to understand. I have had to point this out more times than I can count and it still doesnt' sink in.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:23pm

I think we need to define "spoiled".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:02pm
this is a much dicussed topic in our house. WE are now at a position where it does not hinge buying food for buying a pair of pants. We are not struggling to survive. It took alot of hard work, but we have made it. SO now I have to say that I spoil my kdis a little. But ya know they have chores they have to do, grades to keep up, all are honor roll and daughter is also doing the AP and summer college prep. My daughter will be 17 next week and a week before her 16th birthday she was out getting applications for jobs. She got a job a week after turning 16 and has been there ever since.
But there is a difference in kids being spoiled and out of control and spoiled but they have good structure ingrained in them by good parents. I have seen both and hope for the most part I fall into the latter category.
My ex spoils them to keep them out of his hair. when my son was younger I swear it took a week to get him back into a routine and respectful. But they understand how hard you hav to work to get what you want.
We are still big thrift store shoppers, my DD realized how expensive things were when she wanted to by her own school clothes at my discretion this school year!
so spoil on as long as they have life values taught at the same time! susie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:11pm

From what you say it doesn't really sound like your kids are spoiled if they have jobs and do volunteer work. I consider "spoiled" kids to be kids who are totally indulged w/ everything they want and they don't even appreciate it. For ex., if you have ever seen the show Super Sweet 16, you know what I mean. On that show, girls are given these sweet 16 parties that are more elaborate than any wedding I have ever been to. They act like little princesses, are obnoxious to their parents if they don't get what they want and demand the Mercedes sports car for their first car.

I do buy my kids more that what is absolutely necessary, I suppose, but I don't have enough money to spoil them anyway. My DD was lucky enough to get a car from her grandmother (used car) but she had to get a job to pay for the gas & ins. herself. Her hard work in school is paying off because she has gotten several college scholarships on merit. There is no way we would be able to pay for a private college w/o any aid.

Last night my DH complained because I bought DD some glasses that were more expensive than he thought I should pay. They were for her 18th BD. She already has contacts but I guess that some times your eyes get tired from the contacts and she would also like to have glasses. She had made a note of the pair she wanted back when she got the contacts last Dec. Sure, I could have made her get a less expensive pair, but for once I let her have what she wanted. I figure it's not like some jeans that will wear out. Hopefully she will have these glasses for a few years.

I did remind DH that he spent $400 (more than the cost of the glasses) buying his DD her class ring where my DD had to contribute money toward her ring from her paycheck. But other than that, whenever I buy her something, there's usually a discussion about cost. I very rarely buy her clothes now that she works unless it's something big and necessary like a winter coat.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:33pm

I guess it depends on who you ask~lol.

I don't think I spoil them. I think I have taught them to reach thier goals using the appropriate tools and gumption. I do treat them well - that is, all of their basica needs are met, with or without my assistance. They want for virtually nothing in regards to material items, unless you count a car. I won't buy them cars - I will help them, but the car will likely be at least 10 years old!! lol. At certain times of the year, say Christmas or their birthdays, I may indulge them a little more than normal, but I don't think they are spoiled in the true sense of the word.

I DO think that our kids are being raised in a time of privilege at levels never experienced before. I think that society as a whole seems to behave as if parents OWE their children perfect little lives in perfect little nieghborhoods with lots of cash in their pockets, new cars at 16, their own personal credit card, and only the best higher education. I think that in comparison to those things, no, my kids are definitely not spoiled. Would they like to own a new snazzy car and live in a giant McMansion? You bet they would, but it won't be funded by me. My 19dd whines when she doesn't get her way, but then I give her the 'mommy eyes' and she quiets down - lol. DD17 will complain and carry on for a little bit, but then she will just decide she hates me for a little while till she gets over it and we all move on.

But spoiled, nah. My H would say otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:07am

Just my two cents. :) As a lot of you on this board will know, I'm 18 years old and I'm not a parent - nor do I want to be one for quite a while.

I am an only child. I want for nothing. I just received a brand-new Asus laptop from my parents on beginning university this year. My mobile phone bills are paid by my parents (but they aren't large since I have 125 free text messages). I have a top-of-the-range computer, a Nintendo Wii, a Sony PlayStation 2, a bookshelf full of books, a CD rack full of CDs, and a wardrobe and chest-of-drawers stuffed full of clothes. I attended a private co-educational school from prep (kindergarten) right till the end of Year 12.

As I grow older, I am becoming more conscious of the cost of living.

I have a pink iPod mini that I bought three years ago. I have spoken about upgrading it, as it's operating nowhere near the standard it used to. It also had a flat battery, but since we replaced it for $30 that isn't an issue anymore. I also want a pink Nintendo DS because the games look pretty cool, and the only hand-held I own is (get this) the ORIGINAL Nintendo Game Boy. From 1996. That's 11 years old. *wonders if she should send it to a museum*

I received a new stereo, a 'This Groovy Chick's 18' champagne flute, two CDs and a DVD for my 18th birthday. My other stereo no longer played CDs. I'd had that stereo for around four years. Technology is disposable these days.

I am a very lucky young woman whose parents adore her like nothing else in this world. But I, in turn, adore my parents - not simply because they have given me so much in the material way - but because they have raised me in a home that is full of love, laughter and joy along with the few bleak periods that inevitably occur in life. I am grateful to them for those gifts. My childhood was idyllic. I am generally happy, though socially I'm a loner. But I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

However, what REALLY s**ts me to tears (a strong expression to convey my hatred of this particular character trait) is when others rag on my parents for giving me so much. It's none of their business. My parents work and pay taxes, just like they do. They chose to have one child. And they've chosen to spoil me. I don't get what that has to do with the people criticising them for doing so.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:52am

Your post illustrated *for me* that there is a difference between being fortunate or indulging and spoiling.

Your every need and want has been met, and then some. Yes, you were lucky enough to go to excellent schoos without worry, given every possible technological gadget known, plus stereos, clothing, etc., the whole enchilada! But you're NOT spoiled.

You appreciate your parents, their choices, their efforts to meet your needs and all of your wants; they nurture you, love you, and provide you with the best education, etc.

A spoiled child/kid/teen, IMO, is one who gets whatever he wants without appreciating where it came from, or without working towards a goal to earn it. There are parents out there with spoiled rotten kids because no matter what, they buy their kids toys, Playstations, Wii's and the latest and greatest personal computers for nothing. Rather than appreciating, sharing and recognizing that those are luxeries or privileges, many kids have been raised with a sense of entitlement. These are kids who are failing school, yet demand to have their license and drive mom's SUV. Or, kids who go off to college, suck up mom and dad's money for tuition, a car, rent, and food and are barely scraping by or dragging their college education to its 5th year - without ever thinking that maybe they should be trying harder or providing for some of those expenses themselves. Then the parents sit back, scratch their heads and wonder why their kids are not amounting to anything. Hmmmm.

That doesn't seem to be the case in your situation. You are not spoiled. You're fortunate, perhaps a little indulged, but like you said that's between your parents and you. You are not spoiled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:53am

Yeah...we spoil ours somewhat. Here's an interesting perspective:

http://sandradodd.com/spoiled

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 9:17am

We don't spoil our son. I never could understand the purpose of it. Our son has what he needs and we expect that he will be satisifed with what he is given. To be honest, the idea of having a buch of things that are not needed or of significant use doesn't make much sense to me.

Our son works hard and in doing so he has earned our respect, praise and consideration. .

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:06am
Nothing more to add, but I just wanted to thank you (heartsandroses2002) for your kind words. :) It's nice to know that I'm not being judged on what I have, but rather how I choose to conduct myself.