Do Your Children Acknowledge Your Birthd
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| Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:13pm |
Hi there. I was just curious if your teenage daughter (or son!) acknowledges YOUR birthday? My birthday was last week. This is the 3rd year in a row my DD completely ignored my birthday. No card, no "Happy Birthday, mom", NOTHING.... She's 14.
Oooops, wait I did get something. I got a 'text message' on my cell phone the next day, wishing me a Belated Happy Birthday. I started crying.....
All my beloved family members have passed away and I don't get the birthday cards I used to get every single yr. :-(
I just feel very hurt that my DD completely ignores my birthday. (yes, she knows when it is, she's rather smart). As a result, I try to ignore her birthday and see if she likes it.
Do your children acknowledge your birthday or are they rude & self-centered like my DD is???

I'll let you know a week from today.
stacy
My kids are 20 and 16. They do wish me happy birthday and will *occasionally* get me a gift or a card. But, up until the oldest was about 14/15/16, they had their step-mom to remind them! Plus, when my folks were alive, we got together as a family to celebrate. It was always a good excuse as any to get together. :) And, to top it off, my bd is only 2 days before my older's bd, so it's easy for him to remember. But, there were those times when they DID forget, and that's ok. Even tho' we would get together as a family for bds, we were never really big on them. A card and a HB wish was always sufficient.
I know it must be hard not to have anyone around to wish you HB. I think it would make me very sad. I don't know that I would go so far as to say your dd is purposely being rude, and at her age, self-centeredness just kinda goes with the territory. And, this last time, she *did* wish you a happy belated one, which is better than nothing. Yes, it was a text-message, but these days, that's how kids communicate. And yes, I know it would be lovely to get a card from her, but that may be awhile in coming.
Rather than resorting to tit-for-tat type things (although I understand just how tempting that might be!) have you talked to her about how sad it makes you to not have any family around to remember your birthday and how much it would mean to you to get one from her? Let her know how sad you are. And then, just let it go. It may be awhile before she matures enough to remember to be extra thoughtful on your bd, but I think it will eventually happen.
Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday!
Edited 6/13/2007 8:05 pm ET by mjaye2002
I have always acknowledged my parents' birthdays. When I was younger, my dad would pick and buy a card for me to write and give to my mother, and my mum would pick and buy a card for me to write and give to my dad. That continued till I was about 15, because I didn't really ever get pocket money. There's three of us in the house - my parents and I.
Nowadays, I usually have a little bit of money around (I don't have a job and I can't *make* anyone hire me, though I've not tried hypnotism yet) and I'll buy the most gorgeous cards that I can find. I try to make them the expensive kind because those are also usually the prettiest (funny how that works, isn't it?).
I also write very personal messages to my parents in their cards, and I am always sincere. They tell me that that's more than enough. They always acknowledge my birthday, and I acknowledge theirs.
Neither of them wants gifts from me (we're in a position that if anyone in my family want something, say, a CD, we can just up and buy it straight away, no waiting) and mum and I share very similar musical tastes anyway. Dad has so many tools that the shelves in his cupboard in the garage and the shelves in his shed are yielding. Besides, he buys tools as part of his job, so anything he needs, he can usually get. So it's also a case of "What do I buy them?!"
I am not a tightwad. I'd like to do things for my parents and buy them gifts, but they insist that they already have everything because they have me as their daughter.
My parents and I know what it's like to not have anyone else to wish you happy birthday. Our extended family is so screwed up that we don't even talk to most of those sorry excuses for people anymore. It's sad, isn't it? It hurt on my 15th birthday, when I was sick and away from school, and nobody - I mean none of my "friends" remembered it was my birthday.
When my kids were younger, they usually ignored my bday unless my DH reminded them - my bday is this Sunday, and where my DH works construction, he often isn't home on my bday to remind the kids.
Anyway, fortunately as I said, there is 8 of us. We have a several 2x4 white boards in the kitchen that break down chores/activities etc, so everyone is reminded of bd's just by checking for messages, chores, etc. But SOMEONE always forgets. As far as teenagers, I'll leave my boys off the topic for now and focus on my dd who is always my teen barometer. At 15 she got me a pile of balloons from school and wrote me a great card that I, of course, still have. At 16, I think she was mad at me for something and tried to withhold the hbd from me. By night time she finally gave in and said it before she went to bed. I felt much better after she did, I knew she didn't forget, but it was upsetting that she was intentionally not saying it because she was pissed that I had to act like a dad and not a friend. This year, at 17, she matter of factly stated hbd and continued on with her life as if she told me that it was sunny outside.
I think the main thing here is really just that you should just keep plugging away. Realize that you're dealing with a teen, and I'm sure it sucks especially not having many others to remember you, but you need to just stay consistant and not get into a pay back situation. Your teen will ALWAYS be more self centered than you, but hopefully (they keep telling me) your teen will become an adult and states caring about YOU again. If you degrade to their level, it might be harder to recover to a great relationship again. As someone else said, let her know that it does hurt your feelings, and point out that your family is dwindling and you two really need to try to stay close for as long as possible. Before you know it, she'll be at college or done college, or working and out of your home and on her own.
Good luck and Happy Birthday (belated I'm sure)
Well, FWIW, my 'rude and self-centered' ds14 told me YESTERDAY 'Happy Mother's Day' because he was in a mood on the real day and isn't sure why - he was a real poop all day that day. Better late than never? Hmm.
Sue
I don't think ignoring your dd's birthday is the right way to go about this. Why not find the right moment and sit and have a chat with her. Explain how you are eachother's family and its befitting to acknowledge special days in one another's lives. Explain to her that it hurts you deeply when she can't be bothered making your birthday a little special when for 14 years you've done that for her.
By allowing your anger and resentment to rule your actions, you're creating a poor example for your dd. Instead, use the opportunity to show her how to celebrate a birthday the way you'd like to celebrate yours. And say so!
My kids celebrate my birthday because they were raised to make a big ruckus over birthdays. I always went waaaay out of my way to make thier birthdays special and let them know that I expected the same and they always come through. One year sucked but it was mostly because they were away for the whole week with thier dad and we didn't celebrate my birthday until they came home.
Talk with your dd - don't retaliate. Hugs ~
I am sorry about your BD and would be very hurt too. I think you realize that not celebrating your DD's BD isn't the way to go. Since this has been happening for a while, did you not bring it up the first time? Maybe your DD is under the misguided notion that adults really don't care about their BDs. I will go so far as to announce to my kids that my BD is coming up. I reminded my DS (11) that Mother's Day was coming up. He made me a card at school (they usually make some kind of project for mother's day and father's day) and said "Do I have to get you a present now?" I said no, the card was enough since he wrote his own message on it. My DD is 18 so she went out and bought me a present and card. She has been working in stores for a couple of years so everyone would get presents from whatever store she was working at.
Since I have been divorced for about 10 yrs, even after the divorce, my ex & I would both make sure that the kids got the other one presents for all special occasions. Even last Christmas, when I told my DS that he had to take money out of his bank acct. to buy the family presents, he was kind of annoyed. But my mother had given him quite a large check, so he had plenty of money compared to what he was going to spend on gifts. I was trying to convey the message that it's not all receiving. Some kids just have to be told directly, if they aren't naturally generous. My DSD was more like that. She doesn't have such a great relationship w/ her dad and I'm sure she wouldn't get him anything for father's day if I don't remind her.