Do your teens date or have a bf/gf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Do your teens date or have a bf/gf?
19
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 8:11pm

I've had this discussion with DD16 alot the past 6 months - she really wants to have a "real" boyfriend. She was sort of dating a guy from Temple in the Spring, but they couldn't quite get enough time together, or find a strong connection. She's had a couple of sorta relationships, but mostly she's had a bunch of friends (guys and girls) and sometimes there's one of them who she "hooks up" with. ((at first I freaked at this idea, but really, I had a few friends in HS who I'd make out with, but we didn't really actually date)).

Anyway, DD feels like there's something wrong with her - why doesn't she have a boyfriend?

I think it's more common to have groups of friends - and as evidence I look to her HS where there are very few couples, and none of her best-friends have boyfriends ((none of her bffls have bfs ? LOLOL too confusing!)). And (back in the dark ages) when I was in HS it was the same - the couples were rare - it was more likely that we were in groups. Serious dating didn't start until college. She does not accept stories from prehistoric times LOL as support (jk), so I thought I'd ask you all....

How many kids have actual bf/gfs? In their group of friends, does everyone have a "relationship"? What's the norm where you are?

Sue

(I'm not so much interested in whether you 'allow' dating yet - that's a different issue. I'm more interested in whether, when allowed, this actually exists)

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:32pm
My DD is 15 and going into her sophomore year. She had a bf for about 5 months during her freshman year. That was her one and only bf so far. She has two friends who have bfs currently. The rest either haven't had a relationship or have been in and out of very brief relationships. I'd say there isn't a lot of serious dating going on in her circle at this point.
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:40pm

The norm here is...there is no norm! At least that's the way it appears to me ( on the outside looking in). My ds20, when he was 16, had a steady girlfriend. But not all of his friends did then. My ds16 doesn't. He's been on a couple of "dates" (I call them dates, but because of driving logistics, he just meets the girl at the movies.) but that's about it. Ds16's bff (who just turned 17) has a steady girlfriend. He's been dating her for several months now. Some of ds16's buddies have gfs, some don't.

Before the kids started driving, it was very, very common for them to all (boys and girls) go out in groups. Since the parents had to cart them everywhere, there were lots of kids meeting here, there, and yon. Usually the movies, or the mall, or at someone's house. To my knowledge, none of those kids ever really got to be bf/gf with each other. They are all just pretty good friends.

I know your dd doesn't want to hear this (especially from another prehistoric mom!) but she's got tons and loads of time for boyfriends. You know it, I know it, it's just so hard to get *her* to know it. But, if it helps at all, apparently here the boys and girls her age are not in a hurry to be a couple. They just enjoy hanging out.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 12:16am

My dd is 17 and a senior this year. She is crying the same blues, she wants a relationship, but I think right now she is talking a little more serious than your dd is. I know she is only 17, but she does want something that is a more lasting relationship than she has had in the past.

The summer between 8th and 9th grades she had her first real boyfriend, that didn't last a long time, but the usual couple months. Since then she has "dated" a few different boys. Her friends have had bf's on and off for the last couple years, some longer than others. But most of them only last a couple months before they break up. Right now her BFF is also 17 and has been dating her bf for a year.

I put dated in quotes, because to me dating is when two people go out together to a movie or whatever. One calls the other and says "Would you like to go to a movie?" the other says "Sure" and they go to a movie. To teens around here is someone says "would you go out with me?" and the other person says "Sure." they become an exclusive relationship. To them this is dating.

Kelsie could never understand why I wasn't crazy about this, but she has finally realized what I was saying was true. Just because you go out with someone doesn't mean it has to be an exclusive relationship. In HS here if you are dating more than 1 person you can easily be labled a slut, which is really too bad, everything seems to have to be exclusive. But Kelsie just started to realize that this isn't the way it has to be, I think when they get out of HS things change. When we went to visit a friend, Kelsie met her grandson, he asked her out and they spent quite a bit of time together and she got a taste of what it is like to just go out on a date or two and have fun. S is 19 and that makes all the difference in the world. He treated her like a lady and she sure liked it. Now she realizes that she is pretty sick of the hs dramas, silly stuff, immature people and exclusive relationships right away.
One of her friends who graduated in June, a guy, just told her the same kind of thing. He want to be able to just go out with girls and have a good time with them and not get into the exclusive business. He said it just complicates things.

So that is where we stand here. I guess the kids around here do have bf/gf quite a bit, but it doesn't last a long time. Maybe your dd needs to think a bit about what my dd is just realizing, that maybe she needs to just go out with a variety of people and have fun and not worry about being exclusive at a young age. Right now she thinks maybe it was a little silly to have exclusive relationships a couple years ago.

Kristie

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 1:05am
My daughter is 15 in November. She only has a boyfriend on the internet-- My Space. He is starting college in the fall. So, we wouldn't let her hang out with him if he were near by. He is too old and would be sexually more advanced. There are girls in her class who have had boyfriends. But they didn't go on solo dates. A group would hang out. Or a parent would take them to the movies. I've heard tho girls make out with guys at parties. Also, they talk about such and such is their bf. Then, they break up and switch guys.I think it's normal to get interested in boys. I did at 10--as I was in sixth grade then. We'd meet at the movies and sit next to each other. But the sexual atmosphere was different at that time. I'm not a prude, but I'd be concerned there would be sex and I think my daughter is too young to handle that...Me too! LOL or too old! Also, apparently the double standard is alive and sick. Girls are definitely called sluts and worse and get bullied because of intimate behavior. But then again girls who are not popular with boys because of weight, acne, etc.get left out, which is a female version of bullying. It's a balancing act, I guess. Important topic tho.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:13am

All 4 of my children currently in a relationship. Now that I think about it they are relationship people, something they must get from me. I dated someone for 3 years in high school until the beginning of college.

Shea(17) got her first boyfriend freshman year, but unfortunately he was a complete loser. He was 3 years older and they dated for 2 years, with minor breaks in towards the end. Now she is with a nice boy who is the same age as her and they will be dating for a year this August.

Reagan(17) dated some in the beginning. She did not really start dating though until people got their licenses. Her boyfriend now is going to be a sophomore in college. I did not like him at first, but now he is a good guy. They have been going out for almost a year.

Bradford(17) has been going out with his girlfriend for over a year now. In the beginning of high school he was somewhat introverted and really focused on school. He dated a little, but it only lasted for like 5 months and it wasnt really serious. His now girlfriend is just as determined with school, which is why I think that they work so well. They arent attached to the hip and can live without eachother for 20 minutes without dying.

Carlin(14) has her first real boyfriend. They have been officially dating since January and it is really cute. My biggest concern with Carlin was the ages because she is so much younger than her peers from skipping grades. Her boyfriend now is actually a grade younger than her and a really good kid. She is such a devouted student and her school comes before her boyfriend. Its nice though because they are both motivated and intelligent kids and in a lot of the same classes so they can help each other out.

I think it would be better to go into college single, but if they are happy I am not going to intrude. The triplets will be going to different colleges than their bfs/gf. Reagan and Shea wont really even be in driving distance of their boyfriends while Bradford is like an hour or so away from his girlfriend. I just hope that they arent addicted to the phone/computer waiting to talk to their significant others and missing out on the college experience. As all of them date and have bf/gf most of their friends went through waves with them.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:31am

Connor who is 19 and will be a sophomore in college this fall was a serial dater in high school. He was not really into relationships but rather dated a lot or what they call "friends with benefits". A majority of his friends were the same way. Towards the end of his senior year, one of his friends with benefits turned into serious dating and they saw each other exclusively for the summer. Now that he is in college though he has gotten back into his serial dating ways.

Madison,16, on the otherhand believes in relationships and most of her friends are the same way. Most, if not all, of her friends have a serious boyfriend who they have been going out with for a year or more. Madison will be a senior this year and she has been with her boyfriend for 2 years this September. He is 2 years older than her and will be a sophomore in college(same age as my son and they were actually acquaintances). I thought that it would fizzle out when he went to college, especially since it is a 10 hour drive away so they only see each other on breaks, but it hasn't.

Tell your daughter that there is nothing wrong with her. A lot of people dont date until the end of their high school or until they go to college. I have two perfect examples of both ends of the dating spectrum.

Adelaide

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 2:43am

Tell your daughter not to fret. Gavin,23, did not date at all throughout high school and I had to force him to his senior prom. Granted he is a bookworm who cares more about research and learning than girls. Most of his friends had steady girl friends though.

Jacob,18, had several girlfriends throughout high school. He could never really keep a girlfriend for more than a few months and dated a lot. Now that he is at the Naval Academy though he doesn't date at all. I don't really promote this method though.

Brooklyn is a lot like your daughter. She will be 16 this November and has not had a "real" boyfriend yet, much to her frustration. She is just bored with being single. I mean she has dated some but nothing that has turned into anything serious. Her friends are a toss up though, some have steady boyfriends, others just date and have flings, while some are just single and independent. She hates my "prehistoric" advice and says that she isnt a bookworm like me and likes to be more social.

Everett,14, and Sienna,11, havent started dating yet, thankfully. Everett will be a freshamn this year though and is a perfect mixture of Gavin and Jacob, so I hope he is somewhere in between the two when it comes to girls.

Kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:16am

My DD 16 has been dating the same young man for 10 months now, prior to that she went to the movies or such with boys here and there but nothing that I'd consider a b/f.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:33am

Dd 19 has been dating the same guy for almost 3 years. She will be a sophmore in college, he a freshman.

We live in small town PA. We have lots of people who have been together since high school and are still married. I'm talking people in their 40's and 50's. Maybe it is just the trend here.

Most of my dd's friends do not have steady b/f's, they like the freedom. It really depends on the person.

I say there is nothing wrong with not having a significant other and there is nothing wrong with having one. Certainly there is nothing with your dd for not being in a relationship. Though dating is a part of our learning process, it does not define who we are. She will date when the right person comes along.

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:47am

Before your post, my 19 yr old was talking about this at dinner. He and his GF are celebrating their 1 yr anniversary. This is his first GF and he dated very lightly in high school, meeting J the summer after senior year

She OTOH had the same BF all through high school and broke up with him her first year of college. She is 20.

She apparently thinks DS is weird because he didnt have a GF in high school. Honestly, it really seems to bother her which appears to be bothering him and, therefore, is bothering me!!!

She claims he doesnt get the BF role and blames it on his lack of experience in this area

DS is adamant that he made the right choice. He says that high school relationships are a
waste of time and informed me that THE couple from his graduating class just broke up(via FaceBook)He sees that as having wasted their time which I dont agree with; I didnt date until the summer after high school but my early relationships are fond memories to me, not wasted time!

He says he is really 'able to enjoy a relationship now'. I assume that means without the drama?

But I can also see that he is a novice at this. Most their relationship was away at different colleges so this summer has been 'intense'. He wants to be with his male friends and just does that. It doesnt occur to him that she is going to be POd until it happens. If he had a serious GF in HS, he would have figured this out by now.

They are at different places and that makes it a bit awkward-perhaps more so with girl more experienced?

Pages