Do your teens date or have a bf/gf?
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| Tue, 07-31-2007 - 8:11pm |
I've had this discussion with DD16 alot the past 6 months - she really wants to have a "real" boyfriend. She was sort of dating a guy from Temple in the Spring, but they couldn't quite get enough time together, or find a strong connection. She's had a couple of sorta relationships, but mostly she's had a bunch of friends (guys and girls) and sometimes there's one of them who she "hooks up" with. ((at first I freaked at this idea, but really, I had a few friends in HS who I'd make out with, but we didn't really actually date)).
Anyway, DD feels like there's something wrong with her - why doesn't she have a boyfriend?
I think it's more common to have groups of friends - and as evidence I look to her HS where there are very few couples, and none of her best-friends have boyfriends ((none of her bffls have bfs ? LOLOL too confusing!)). And (back in the dark ages) when I was in HS it was the same - the couples were rare - it was more likely that we were in groups. Serious dating didn't start until college. She does not accept stories from prehistoric times LOL as support (jk), so I thought I'd ask you all....
How many kids have actual bf/gfs? In their group of friends, does everyone have a "relationship"? What's the norm where you are?
Sue
(I'm not so much interested in whether you 'allow' dating yet - that's a different issue. I'm more interested in whether, when allowed, this actually exists)

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Boy Sue, I could be describing C with this one! She doesn't have a boyfriend, nor has she ever had one -- hasn't held hands with a boy (other than her father and brother) to my knowledge and hasn't kissed one either. She has said she is 'holding out for something special'. (I think that's kind of cool, actually.) There have been boys that have been interested in her, and boys she has been interested in, but so far, it's never been a reciprocol thing (sp?). I've told her that it works this way for a while, but eventually, the 'something special' will come along!
Personally, I think C may set herself apart somewhat and could appear stand-offish, which will no doubt scare teenage boys away.
No, L is not alone in feeling like this! HTH
My daughter 17 has not had a boyfriend either. She has had dates for homecoming and prom, but never been in a "exclusive relationship". There have been boys that have been interested in dating her, but the feelings have not been reciprocal. She has told me that she doesn't want a boyfriend. She enjoys spending time with her friends (guys and girls). I've wondered why she isn't interested in dating and it's frustrating at times. But, it's her life and if she's happy...that's all that matters.
As far as her friends go...I'd say it's a mix. Some have bf's but most do not. They all enjoy hanging out in a group.
Tell your daugter not to worry...the right guy will come along when the time is right. In the meantime, she should enjoy high school and hanging out with her friends.
My daughter will be 16 at the end of September and going into 11th grade. She has never had a boyfriend and she has never gone on a date with a boy. She socializes in groups where boys might be part of the group. She has male "friends" and gets along well with boys. She is an attractive girl, smart, funny, not really part of the popular crowd but not an outsider either.
Her circle of friends includes about 5 very close friends, maybe another 10 other friends and beyond that a dozen or more girls at her dance studio. Out of all those girls, of her closest friends only one has had a boyfriend. None of the rest of her close friends date even casually. In her extended group of friends I can think of maybe 4 or 5 off the top of my head that currently have or have had boyfriends. If I do the math I'd say roughly 20% or 1 in 5 of the girls have had boyfriends for some period of time. And for the most part its the same girls who started having boyfriends at age 12 and just have had serial relationships as they go on.
That is pretty much the pattern I see in my area. We live in a fairly large city, sophisticated kids with plenty of opportunities, social events, clubs etc and yet as teens the "dating" thing is not as common as is portrayed on tv shows or in books or magazines. Most of the time its large mixed groups of girls and boys who hang out together and out of those groups there might be one or two kids who create a more serious connection even for a while. And its always those same kids who just once they start the whole bf/gf thing will move from one to another.
So tell your dd to relax. She doesn't need that kind of hassle at her age. All that drama and grief. Better off having a good time, meeting alot of people and if along the way she makes a deeper connection with a special guy to just take it slow and really understand what she's getting into.
My DD is 18 and she has never had a BF although she has a lot of boys as friends. She has gone to all the dances and proms w/ date that she has asked. I can't figure this out because as I said, she has a lot of friends, so people like her and she is very attractive. A lot of her friends have serious relationships, some that have lasted for years. I don't think there is so much casual dating because usually if the kids are together in school, they know each other pretty well before they start going out, so it's kind of an all or nothing.
My 11 (almost 12) yo DS is the one w/ the relationship problems. lol This year he went to a much bigger school. He met 2 girls. Alyssa was in his class and was his best friend. She introduced him to Ashley and they were "Bf/GF" which doesn't mean that much when you're not old enough to go anywhere, I guess, except that they liked each other. At the end of the school year, Ashley started to give him a hard time because she thought he liked Alyssa and they "broke up." Last week they were all at day camp together and he came home and told me that he realized he does like Alyssa better but he doesn't know what to do because if they are "going out" then Ashley will never speak to him again. BTW, another girl in the neighborhood, Christine, also wanted to go out w/ him but he didn't want her as a girlfriend, just a friend. I never knew he would be such a stud! Seriously, he's cute and he's just a really nice kid, not as agressive or rowdy as some boys and he has always had girls as friends from the time of daycare, so I guess they pick up on that.
My daughter Kate(14) is in the same situation as your daughter. For the past few months she all she has been able to talk about is boys and wanting a real relationship. She feels like the odd duck out because Jennifer always had boys chasing after her, but she declined them while Elizabeth has always accepted them or they accepted her if she pursued them. The boys and girls of Kate's group tend to just all hang out together. Since none of them can drive, there is no real individual dating yet. I know that she is very shy and this might be playing into the effect. I think that she should be patient and focus on school and everything else will fall into place.
As I said earlier, Jennifer(18) has always had boys who were interested in her but she was more focused on school and ballet. She never had a real relationship and dated a little. Most of her friends had boyfriends too, but she never let that bother her. She is happy to be single because she is off to college this fall in a new city with new people.
Elizabeth(16) has always been the one who took the lead when it came with boys. If she liked a boy or wanted a boyfriend she took the inititive by being the pursuer. She has been with her boyfriend for a year this Saturday. They were friends before and hung out in groups, but now that they can drive they can hang out by themselves if they would like.
Julia
DD is 15 and has been in back to back relationships since practically her 14th birthday. She started dating C about a week after her bday and they dated up until she met J. She and C dated for 3 months. She started dating J immediately after C and they have now been together for over a year.
As far as the norm - at this school it is very unnormal for there to be steady relationships. DD is a upcoming sophomore and for the most part her close friends are in relationships, but that is it. M and N have been dating almost as long as dd and J. K and R about 9/10 months. A and J since March. H and D since May. S is like your dd and is looking so hard for her guy, but hasn't found him. DD attends a huge school and I know of very few long term relationships (atleast in dd's grade, the ones I just listed plus 2 other couples that aren't in dd's core circle of friends).
Tell your dd not to be in too much of a rush. As much as dd "loves" J there are times she resents not being single. They both have sports and heavy school schedules during the school year. Juggling that stuff, friends, family and just being yourself when you have a boyfriend, I think, just gets a bit overwhelming for these kids.
I also see the girls (like S) that try so hard to get "any" guy that they take the first guy to come along and it's not pretty. I've seen 2 of dd's friends go in "wrong" directions in such scenario's.
Patience, you are only young once, plenty of time to worry about relationships!
DS will turn 15 next week (entering sophomore). His bunch hasn't been into dating, or even hanging out coed yet (the nerdy ones!). His one buddy just started dating someone from another town after meeting her on the 4th of July - ds isn't impressed with her and shrugs it off. And no, he's never had a previous girlfriend; yes, he's had crushes but hasn't done anything yet.
Sue
ETA there are kids in ds's class who have 'dated' (gone to each other's houses, gone to movies) since 4th grade! And there are many popular kids who have parties now in HS where all the kids hang out and bounce around as to who is with who. He's not one; he's somewhat curious about what one of those parties is like but not enough to want to push it. I'll wait, thankyouverymuch!
Edited 8/1/2007 6:19 pm ET by suzyk2118
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