Does the anxiety ever really end?
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| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:25pm |
More of a rhetorical discussion actually....looking for some insight from parents of older teens.
My dd is 14 going on 15 in a couple of months. She has grown leaps and bounds in the past year. She's gone from a preteen afraid to walk 5 minutes by herself to the local school and who quivered at the thought of initiating a conversation with someone to a much more confident and assured teen. She handles herself creditably and has just finished her first year of high school with great marks, lots of good friends and she's doing really well.
The problem is ME....I just can't shake this anxiety I have everytime she does something new and/or on her own. I worry about her sometimes to such a pitch that I can't sleep. Elaborate scenes of every kind of emotional/social/phsyical disaster I could think of (or any teen soap opera writer) play themselves out until I shake myself and say "SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU'RE GETTING CARRIED AWAY!"
I worry about her getting home okay. I worry about her getting hurt. I worry about her health. I worry she'll get bullied or picked on by kids at school. I worry she'll meet some loser guy and get tangled up in some stupid emotional mess. I worry she'll get lured into trying drugs. I worry ALL THE TIME!!!
Will I ever relax or is this just normal parent of teen angst?!?

I don't have any advice on how to make it easier to send them off into the world *sigh*
Edited 6/21/2006 9:13 am ET by threejerseygirls
{{{diamonds}}} I think it's normal to carry all that worry for a few years. As they slowly separate from us and become more autonomous and make more independent decisions for themselves, it's only natural for us to worry!
I am happy to report that I no longer truly worry about my 18dd - she is so capable. I *think* H and I have given her the tools she needs to make healthy and educated decisions for herself. I think she does. I'm actually quite proud of the person she's become and when I say that, inevitably a person will respond by saying, "you did a great job".
So, I think that you should try to harness all that worry and redirect it by making sure that your dd becomes a capable, confident person. A person who knows who she is, makes a healthy decisions and asks for help when she needs it. The kids that wind up getting into trouble most often are those who don't have confidence in themselves and give up...or those who have no direction or healthy guidance. One the most difficult parts of parenting my dd's is letting go along the way, allowing them to make thier own decision and, occasionally, suffer the consequences of those decisions. But, that's part of growing up, both as a child and as a parent!
YIkes, my 16dd just told me she is ready to get her permit so now I will have more worries to worry about~
Wow, I could have written your message. I, too, worry ALL the time about my 17 year old daughter. She just got her license and its giving me fits all the time (see my message above about new drivers).
This is so difficult and I can see from the other replies here that we are not alone.
Here's a hair-raiser for ya! Just recently, DD went with a group from her school to Spain and France for 10 days. The school goes every other year and its chaperoned by the language dept head and a group of other teachers as well as an educational travel company that organizes the trip. Well - I have never been so worried in my life. Frequently during the trip on their "free time", the girls (its a single-sex school)were allowed to travel the Paris and Madrid metros in groups of 3 or more without chaperones. They were also allowed to walk around town shopping in groups without chaperones. The only rule was that one member of the group had to speak the local language since some of the girls take Spanish and others take French in school. They were given a list of their hotels and the corresponding phone numbers and told to clip it in their passport and show it to a taxi driver if they got lost and had to take a taxi back to the hotel.
DD told me that one day she and some friends took the Paris metro from the hotel to a fashion museum on the other side of Paris (about a one hour metro trip). Also, she does not drink, but a few of the other girls decided it would be fun to pop in to a bistro and order martinis since the drinking laws are more relaxed and DD and one of the others ended up sheperding the tipsy ones back to the hotel on the metro.
BTW, DD did have a wonderful time. Imagine a nine day sleepover in Europe with 47 of your girlfriends! But, I'm telling you, I was worried sick the entire time and didn't get a decent sleep until the night she came home.
Hang in there, because with each of these types of things, it does get a tiny bit easier.
LOL and thank you all! I'm not the only wigged-out worrier out there! Oh my gosh I cannot even think about her driving yet...or worse...getting into a car with some other teen driver *gulp*. As for the overnight trips, I still recall how preoccupied I was the entire time she and her 8th grade class took a 3 day trip to Montreal. They too had some free time and instructions and all that. But still I was worried!
What helps me out, frankly, is to recall my own youth. I recall my own travels and forays and adventures and, quite often, stupid mistakes. And then I recall how I managed to make it through and often on my own without alot of help from my parents. (They were very busy working immigrant parents and I was on my own alot...).
And I thank heaven for small mercies like...cell phones. I have my dd's cell phone number AND all her friends cell phone numbers. At least I can track her down! When I was a teen my mom just had to wait until I got home to yell at me about how she was worried sick!
I also thank heaven that I have a good relationship with my dd (so far). We get along well, we laugh alot, we like doing things together and it keeps us close. That means I can influence her, subtlely, without appearing to lecture her and control her.
Anway thanks all and I guess I have some company in the worry room....
I guess I must be a little diff. here but I don't worry to the extent that you do. I worry more about specific things, like driving late at night. My DD (17) thinks I'm crazy that if I fall asleep and she's out, I might get up at 1:00 a.m. to make sure she made it home ok, but that is something that actually could happen.
It sounds like your DD is a good, sensible girl, so you could really drive yourself nuts if you worry about every possible thing that could happen. For ex., if she is healthy now, why worry about problems she doesn't have? I also think that if kids have a good family background, can talk to their parents and have a good group of similar friends, they are probably going to stay from drink & drugs. I haven't had any problems w/ my DD (knock on wood).
I do remember when I was married to my ex though, in the days before cell phones. Occas. he would stay out late and not call to tell me where he was. Of course, then I would have horrible worries that he was in an accident or something. Instead, he was just inconsiderate! Cell phones do help though, esp. when they are old enough to be going out alone, and esp. driving! When my DD isn't home, I just call and say where are you and when are you coming home? It's a lot better than worrying.
When my oldest was a dirt-eating two year old and I was sure he was going to end up terminally ill from it, my MIL looked at me and laughed, saying "little kids, little worries.
LOL...you are not alone!!!!! I worry about my 16 year old daughter every minute of every day. I worry about her safety. I worry about the friends she hangs out with. I worry whenever she's alone with her boyfriend and what they are doing. I worry about drugs (see my other post). I worry about pregnancy. I worry about school and the future. I, basically, just worry a lot!!!
I have been on anti-anxiety meds in the past because I have this problem, not just with her but with other aspects of my life as well. I sometimes think I shouldn't have had a child. I sometimes think I'm not really cut out for all this stress. Then I take a deep breath, come in here, and find I'm not alone. This place is great for making me feel I'm not so lousy at this as I think.
My daughter have a basically good relationship for a 16 year old. We fight but we talk too. I just hope she uses the common sense I know she has out there. It's really all we can do, isn't it?