Does anyone else's kid do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Does anyone else's kid do this?
9
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 2:38am

My DD will tell me something that's going on in her life, generally a problem or something that confuses her, but then when I offer advice or try to talk about it, she says it's none of my business! She does this quite a bit, and I don't get it. When I tell a friend a problem, it's because I want their input, or at least another perspective. It never fails that she does this to me, why tell me something that she knows that I will want to discuss if she isn't wanting to talk? For instance, she started dating a boy recently who is a good friend of her best friend. She told me that she thinks her BF is in love with her best friend (the two of them grew up across the street from each other and have been inseparable since they were 6, but have never dated), when I tried to offer advice on how to handle the situation, she got upset and didn't want to hear it. Why tell me? This is a fairly common occurrence. She knows I will want to help, but she doesn't seem to want the help-even when I can see she's plainly upset. I don't understand why she'd tell me something upsetting,

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 8:52am

What you need to understand, is that many kids don't want your ADVICE--or you to tell them what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 9:43am

I agree with Sabr..

She doesn't want you to solve her problems. She just wants you to listen. With my own DD, she will call me up just to vent. I listen and murmur support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 12:22pm

Yep. When my DD wants to vent, she just wants to vent. Even when I'm pretty sure my advice would be helpful, she doesn't want it. Now when she starts in on something, I'll ask up front, "Do you want advice or do you just want me to pet you and say, 'oh, poor Abigail?'" which usually makes her laugh and diffuses some of her frustration.

They really just want to know that you think their emotions are valid. That's it. So say stuff like, "It sounds like you are really angry with that teacher," or whatever comes naturally, but don't (as in DO NOT NOT NOT) tell her how you think she should solve her problems. I think teens like to wallow for a bit before they figure out on their own

Avatar for suzyk2118
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Registered: 07-30-1997
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 12:41pm
Just wanted to add, at least in our case, it's also true for ds (he and I have always been close), so it's not just a girl thing! He's getting better now that he's almost 19, but even then asking a followup to something he's dumped to me doesn't result in a good reaction most of the time! I've learned to tread lightly, listen and made general comments that hopefully take his mind off the situation.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 1:49pm
My DS does this too, and becomes equally upset when I try to offer advice. And like others have suggested, all he wants is for me to listen and be interested. I ask questions, many of them "what do you think?", "how does that make you/them feel", ect. and I also appreciate that he still wants to share what's going on in his life and what's going on around him.

The only times I offer anything like advice is when he tells me that he wants or is planning to do something that I know (not just fear) will get him in trouble.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 2:36pm
I have to agree with the other two..my dd is going on 15 and has had many rants and ravings about this person or that situation, and I finally realized she is simply venting and I *listen* no advice or input. This has led dd to feel more comfortable and share more of her life with me. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 2:54pm

Thanks everyone. This will be hard to do because I'm one of those people who needs to "fix" everything. When she told me what happened (her BF's ringtone for the other girl, "C",

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 4:48pm
Actually to me the funny thing is that even though my advice seems unwanted, in the long run often that's what ds will end up using, but he'd NEVER admit it was because it was something I'd suggested!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 1:01pm

Sounds like she just wanted a sounding board. Someone to voice a concern to.