Does this make me a bad mom? Right now..
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Does this make me a bad mom? Right now..
| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 12:11pm |
honestly, I really could care less! I know that sounds terrible, but I am so fed up with my just newly 13 yr. old DD. She just turned 13 on Monday. First off, we had a huge indoor pool party with 30 of her friends. It cost us just about $500.00. Then, she got so much money and gift cards that I told her that she could stay home on Monday and we would shop and have lunch and have a girl's day out. Sounds great, huh? Well, becuase my daughter cannot make a decision and has a hard time spending her own money (not mine, mind you) it was a very long and tourtuous (sp) day. 7 hours, 2 malls and endless trying stuff on and going over and over the same old outfits. She ended up buying 2 pr. of jeans and 5 shirts that are just varying colors from the ones that she already has. So, then that night she is laying in my bed, ready to fall asleep. Now, yes, she is 13 but still likes to sleep in my bed (husband works nights) and most of the time I like it too. But, I was tired and grouchy so I said "you better get up before you fall asleep in here " So, that, of course, starts the war..."it's my birthday, I want to sleep in here" on and on, with the evil, hate you looks and all. I stuck to my answer though. Next day, at 8:00 at night she tells me she needs this certain kind of notebook the next day. HUH? I ask how long she knew this...she stammers and sais like Thursday or Friday. Well, Im sorry your s&%t out of luck, kiddo. I try to find a notebook that I think is similar...of course it's not right and Im just a moron for even suggesting it. I've had enough. Not to mention the fact that she has been a straight A student since elementary school and now she is bringing home a D in math and C in SS...that's just laziness and not trying and she knows it. I've tried to give her slack when appropriate, but this is just not acceptable and she knows it. So, after the death looks again I tell her that if she brings home a C in any class that she will be grounded from her precious computer and social activities. This sparks the most serious hate face I've seen yet. I held it together even though I wanted to take her neck and ring it!!! So, she starts crying, and I tell her to come here to talk to me...she spits out "NO, go away from me...leave me alone" That's the final straw! Fine, I will leave you alone! I didn't say goodnight to her, or get her all nice and comfy in bed, like usual. This morning I woke her up, and then proceeded to go back into my room and took a nice long shower and did not make her breakfast, as usual, again...and I didn't say goodbye or anything. In fact, I was in the shower when she left. Usually, we hang out a bit before she catches the bus. Im so sick of this spoiled, selfish, brat!! I know I created it but for crying out loud...show some damn appreciation- it can't be that hard! My husband is mad at me, telling me Im being childish...duh, so it's okay for everyone else to treat me like crap? Allright, so if you've read this far then thank you very much! Advice? Stephanie

I think all of us here can relate, I know I sure can! My dd is on the brink of 14 and boy has the rollercoaster began. I have 3 books right now that are like my Bibles: "Loving Your Teenager Daughter (Whether She Likes It Or Not)", "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You", and "Get Out Of My Life, But First Can You Drive Me And Cheryl To The Mall."
I have only totally read the first one and I was just awestruck how the author seemed to be seeing into our house some how. Don't get me wrong, I have a great kid, we have the best time together, but boy do we have some blowouts! In reading the book and skimming the other 2, it seems to be a general consensus that girls are very vocal and emotional and their vocalization and emotions tend to be focusedpracticed on us moms. Now, dd and I would fight and then discuss afterwards what the problems are, like if I was mad about how she treated me and I would ask her if she would treat (her teacher) that way her answer would always be an adamant "NO!!" So I would inquire why me? Her answer was always, because I know you will always love me - no matter what. It used to blow my mind that she would say that, first knowing how right she was and second thinking it was her way of bs'ing me. These books talk a lot of this concept and I am just amazed at how true her feelings were and how on the money these books are. It really made me think back to what I went through and how I felt as a teen girl. I swear they are right on!
I have been known do the silent treatment/avoidance and hold the grudge, but after these books I saw how unhealthy it was and the message it was sending. DH would get quite upset with me as well as to how I handled things with dd. You both will get through it as I hope I will! It's a learning experience for all involved - I never really thought that different parenting strategies applied to teenagers once they hit that mark but it's true they become a completely different person.
The strangest thing about your post is that your dd13 still wants to sleep in your bed with you...otherwise it sounds like normal teenage stuff. Welcome to the fray!
Of course you're not a bad mom...but just because you deserve some appreciation doesn't mean you're going to get it! Not while she's a teen anyway. Come here to vent anytime. I have two teens at the moment, 16ds and 14dd. One wonderfully affectionate, still-not-a-teen ds, 10. My dd gives me the greatest amount of grief, not to say that 16ds doesn't. Good luck and if you find the magic answer to handling teens, be sure to patent it!
IMO, your H is correct - you are being childish. You are the parent, she is the child. You love her, you can even pamper her a little, but when she acts up and says something like "Leave me alone", you shouldn't pout about it. You just go about your business. You still say goodnight. You can tell her that her attitude stinks and that you expect a little more appreciation and respect from her, but that is it.
Is your behavior the model which you would like her to use in her relationships, yours included? No, I don't think so. Wouldn't you rather she be able to communicate to you how she feels in an appropriate manner? Well, that begins with you. If you want her to know that you're hurt or angry or upset or disgusted or overwhelmed, you can tell her. Of course, at her age she may not necessarily care that she hurt your feelings, but at least you may feel better having been able to say it out loud to her.
She is growing, she's stuck between being your little girl and becoming the young lady she will one day be. You can't put the brakes on this. She should be sleeping in her own bed, all the time. I always go in to say goodnight to my girls, 16 and 18, and that's fine. Even when I am fuming, I try to manage a choked, "Goodnight" before I go to sleep. I don't think it's healthy for a mother to be giving her dd the cold shoulder because she stated how she felt. It's really okay for your dd to want to be left alone. Her delivery may be off a bit, but it's okay for her to say that to you.
As far as the grades go, it's important to have consequences for laziness, however, double check and make sure that's what is going on. She could be having trouble in her classes for various reasons and it's not outside of your duties to do a little investigating to find out what's going on. If she is in fact being lazy, then go ahead and serve her an appropriate consequence. I'm just saying that at this age, you must expect things to change...our little bundles of joy will not always be joyful and they won't always be nice to us. They will be indifferent, resentful, snotty, flippant, and unappreciative - don't allow this to set the stage for years of nitpicking and fighting with your dd. You have to learn to go with the flow, choose your battles and most definitely give her, force her to have, her own space. Hugs and best of luck.
I think you will get alot of good advice here, I know that I have. My advice to you would be to communicate, and show unconditional love, and definanlty set clear expectations for your DD. Best of luck to you.
It's their JOB to pull away so they can be independent and function without us
Sad, but worth remembering
DH and I have talked about how much we miss seeing the joy on their faces. I'd bring home a 99 cent matchbox car and their faces would light up. Take them to a circus, a ball game or the ultimate fantasy-a motel with a pool-and we just basked in their obvious happiness
Once they hit the teen years-thats gone!
Its sulky and bored and lots of shrugs
I feel lucky if I get "well, that wasnt as bad as I thought it would be"(comment when we took them snow skiing)
I understand you get the joy back when you have grandkids. You not only get to revisit those delightful days; you know how fleeting it is and appreciate it!
And...dont know you well enough to read too much into your post but be sure you have plenty of your own GFs to shop with, etc. I know DH tries to use the boys to fulfill that need and it disturbs me. Makes it sound like hes doing something for the son in question, but truth is he wants someone to golf with or-my oldest hit 21 this month-gamble with.
So be sure you have your own interests and friends so she can develop hers
IMHO, your DH is right, you're acting like a 13 y/o yourself.