Does Mom get to have feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Does Mom get to have feelings?
11
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:19pm

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with a mother who didn't love or want me around.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2010
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:36pm
I'm 43 and have always felt like I was the parent to my own mother. So for me, I have always felt like my mom should put my feelings and needs before her own. That is what I feel would be the right think to do if I ever become a parent... which may or may not happen naturally lol but we will probably adopt. In any event back to the matter at hand. My mother has had few friends over the years with whom to vent with. Our family is not close and it is scattered so the ONLY person she feels she can vent to is to me. Well I am an only child (my brother died when I was 2 he was three) so all of this falls on me. It's a very heavy burden to bear. She often over the years, even when I was young, told me she wanted to commit suicide. She never tried that I am aware but she said it and it has made me bitter and angry over the years. I am not saying you are her or that you are wrong with wanting to voice your opinions. I only know from my point of view my life would be much happier if she had found someone else to vent her feelings to.

Now if your kids are hurting your feelings intentionally I don't think it wrong to say to them nicely that their words or actions hurt you. Their reactions tell me they are not mature enough to deal with your words or that they hold resentment (you have given me no reason to believe they should have resentment towards you). I guess my answer is a difficult one and would be based on some possible deeper parts of your relationship with them. Is there a reason why they can't take you sharing your feelings? I myself am angry that I shoulder the burden of my mother's very heavy feelings and she just gets more and more negative. It's to the point where it is difficult to be around her and I try to avoid her. I myself am a very positive upbeat person and I don't want to be poisoned by her negative feelings. I often consider myself a bad daughter in fact but it is just to hard on me and my marriage.

It sounds like there needs to be some soul searching, which you are actually doing by posing this question on this board. Have you considered seeking counseling? That is at least one thing my mom did for me back when I was young, we went to counseling and dealt with some issues. In doing so she found she had a lot of her own issues. In fact, her childhood sounds similar to your own. My grandparents made her the scapegoat for everything, called her stupid and ugly apparently. She was spanked daily. It was just a very unhappy childhood. She to me acts like she never got the love from her parents she needed so sometimes it seemed like she wanted to be accepted by me, the way her parents couldn't. Anyway, the counseling was at least helpful for me and I think too for my mother but she probably needed to keep going for longer than she did.

I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:48pm

It's hard to really know since you don't give any examples.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:53pm

Thanks for your response, it is very helpful to hear your perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:00pm

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm not sure really what types of discussions you're having where you're letting yoru kids know your feelings are hurt. I think it's OK to tell your kids that your feelings are hurt if they've done something specifically or purposefully unkind or thoughtless - say, they forgot to wish you a happy birthday. For the most part, though, you've got to have pretty tough skin to be a parent, especially the parent of a teen. Trying to make them feel guilty by using the 'my feelings are hurt' card isn't going to work for the teenage girl that would rather hang with her friends than with mom or the teenage boy that goes out drinking despite being told not to. Really, in many ways, teens are a lot like toddlers. They think it's all about them. When they make the choices they make (and they are going to make a lot of stupid ones as a teen) they really don't think whether it's giong to hurt their mom's feelings. They live very much in the moment and are very impulsive.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:03pm

OK well we had an argument the other day because the youngest is meeting with my boss to try to get a recommendation letter for the college she wants to attend (I work at the college and my boss is a high-up guy there).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:11pm

Many gentle hugs to you. It sounds like you're still dealing with feeling unloved as a child. It would probably benefit you to get back in therapy to help deal with these issues. You can't 'make' someone love you nor can ou guilt them into it. I do agree with your ex and dd's your response to the whole meeting with the boss was a bit over the top. It's one thing to give your dd some suggestions that she can take or leave but to threaten to cancel the appointment and tell her how hurt you are when she doesn't choose to do what you say is a bit extreme. If your boss knows anything about young people (and I'm assuming he does if he works at a college) he knows that not everything they do or say is a direct reflection of their parents' parenting ability.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2010
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:12pm

Good for you! I think that is great to continue doing. I guess you worry about your kids that makes sense but be sure that your counseling, like you mentioned, is for you also, because I feel that my mom has now isolated herself so much that she is indeed very much alone (and we just moved 8 hours away). My heart does break for her- and I forgot to say that she was really a good mom in some ways and I love her so so much but I am not sure what else I can do. She has to find her own friends but she has trouble making them. She wanted me to invite her places so she could meet my friends.... again sort of not cool but I did that a few times and then she doesn't continue to nourish the relationship into a friendship. Anyway, I hope you find peace and happiness and that your kids find the same. Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 9:38pm

Well if it makes you feel better, when my DD was in high school (& even in college) we did have the occasional argument that would leave me very upset--I think she could push my buttons better than anyone--and then if I got upset, she would say that I'm too sensitive, which burned me up even more--you can't say mean things to someone and then tell them they are too sensitive if they get upset.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 12:04am

When my daughters were going thru their college app process, the only thing I did was read & critique their essays, and remind them (sometimes more than once) of the time frame.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 9:08pm

Sometimes, maybe most of the time, parents have NOTHING to do with how the kids turn out.

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