Does Mom get to have feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Does Mom get to have feelings?
11
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:19pm

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with a mother who didn't love or want me around.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 9:58am

OMG!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Wed, 12-07-2011 - 9:08pm

Sometimes, maybe most of the time, parents have NOTHING to do with how the kids turn out.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 12-06-2011 - 12:04am

When my daughters were going thru their college app process, the only thing I did was read & critique their essays, and remind them (sometimes more than once) of the time frame.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 9:38pm

Well if it makes you feel better, when my DD was in high school (& even in college) we did have the occasional argument that would leave me very upset--I think she could push my buttons better than anyone--and then if I got upset, she would say that I'm too sensitive, which burned me up even more--you can't say mean things to someone and then tell them they are too sensitive if they get upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2010
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:12pm

Good for you! I think that is great to continue doing. I guess you worry about your kids that makes sense but be sure that your counseling, like you mentioned, is for you also, because I feel that my mom has now isolated herself so much that she is indeed very much alone (and we just moved 8 hours away). My heart does break for her- and I forgot to say that she was really a good mom in some ways and I love her so so much but I am not sure what else I can do. She has to find her own friends but she has trouble making them. She wanted me to invite her places so she could meet my friends.... again sort of not cool but I did that a few times and then she doesn't continue to nourish the relationship into a friendship. Anyway, I hope you find peace and happiness and that your kids find the same. Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:11pm

Many gentle hugs to you. It sounds like you're still dealing with feeling unloved as a child. It would probably benefit you to get back in therapy to help deal with these issues. You can't 'make' someone love you nor can ou guilt them into it. I do agree with your ex and dd's your response to the whole meeting with the boss was a bit over the top. It's one thing to give your dd some suggestions that she can take or leave but to threaten to cancel the appointment and tell her how hurt you are when she doesn't choose to do what you say is a bit extreme. If your boss knows anything about young people (and I'm assuming he does if he works at a college) he knows that not everything they do or say is a direct reflection of their parents' parenting ability.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:03pm

OK well we had an argument the other day because the youngest is meeting with my boss to try to get a recommendation letter for the college she wants to attend (I work at the college and my boss is a high-up guy there).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 5:00pm

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm not sure really what types of discussions you're having where you're letting yoru kids know your feelings are hurt. I think it's OK to tell your kids that your feelings are hurt if they've done something specifically or purposefully unkind or thoughtless - say, they forgot to wish you a happy birthday. For the most part, though, you've got to have pretty tough skin to be a parent, especially the parent of a teen. Trying to make them feel guilty by using the 'my feelings are hurt' card isn't going to work for the teenage girl that would rather hang with her friends than with mom or the teenage boy that goes out drinking despite being told not to. Really, in many ways, teens are a lot like toddlers. They think it's all about them. When they make the choices they make (and they are going to make a lot of stupid ones as a teen) they really don't think whether it's giong to hurt their mom's feelings. They live very much in the moment and are very impulsive.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:53pm

Thanks for your response, it is very helpful to hear your perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 4:48pm

It's hard to really know since you don't give any examples.

Pages