does your teen have privacy???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
does your teen have privacy???
16
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 5:33pm

I wsa doing laundry, DD, 14 laundry. Empty pockets in pants before they go in wash. Every day occurance. Right?? Yeah, I find a note from Captain Hooker to Old Slutty Whore. Peaks Curiosity....read note, harmless note, just says What's up...whatever, fold back up and five it to her five minutes ago. She throws a fit, "that's mine, dont' go through my stuff", yada, yada. My explanation to her...when I find words like that, I will investigate. You have no privacy in this house, it's my house. Next time take note out of pocket before laundry day.

I am in charge of her life when she lives here. And she wants to drive in a year???? Not with that attitude. I do not go through her room, when she did clean it last time, she found a dead mouse under her bed. She learned a lesson that day....

Just here venting...do your teens have privacy??

LARK

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 6:54pm

Care to have a teen's point of veiw :-)? Take it or leave it.

I'm 15, and basically a good kid. I understand in some cases, why a parent would look through their kid's stuff, read their notes, diary, whatever. If they have reason to worry about their kid using drugs, dangerous behavior, bad influence friends, etc. I guess reading the note becasue it had intresting names is along the same lines, but I still couldn't imagine the names being anything more than just joking around.

I think i would taking someone saying "you have no privacy" as very demeaning and disrespectful towards me. Also, its like saying, "I do not trust you, and will never trust you." Which just basically isn't cool, because teens generally want their parents to trust them, and not just because it gives them more freedom. I don't want privacy because I want to do something wrong, I want it because I want independence. And isn't raising a teen giving them more and more independancy because they will soon be completely independant?

I don't know. I'm trying my best not to sound like a whiney teen trying to convince you teens are mature enough to have privacy. Oh well.

Korie



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 7:44pm
My teens just THINK they have privacy. My husband and I are the world champion snoops. We silently monitor absolutely everything our kids do and have never gotten caught. We have, however, derailed a few potentially dangerous situations that were about to occur. And on a couple of occasions we have been able to alert a clueless parent about a suicide threat and a runaway situation.
Sorry, offended teens. But this is not the america I grew up in anymore. It is a HELL of a lot more dangerous and crazy. All kinds of criminal, negligent and perverted behavior has become normalized. Its my job to instruct my kids on how to protect themselves while remaining alert and vigilant on their behalf.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:14pm

I try to give my DD14 some degree of privacy and mostly I resist the temptation to read crupmpled up notes. But I do cruise Xanga and MySpace from time to time. I think "you have no privacy" is insulting to the teenager and just sets the stage for more sneakiness. It's a close call - if you say "then don't leave notes in your pants" you're not giving her feedback on teh real issues, you're just telling her to be a better sneak.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:49pm

Wha'd I miss here..lol
What happened to a good 'ol bona fide vent?
Vent's are therapeutic. We get to say stuff like...
"He will be allowed out of the house at the next millennium."
"She isn’t even allowed to blow her nose until those grades come up."
And yes.. “I am in charge of her life when she lives here.”
And “You have no privacy in this house, it's my house.”
We hopefully don't really mean it. But it sure feels good to blow off some steam.

If I were in the same shoes, doing laundry and found folded or crumpled paper, I would read it simply to determine if it's important or pitchable, not to snoop. I'd be majorly P.O'ed if my kid went off on me for doing so. I would probably say, "Then don't leave it out" too. Oh.. and by the way, you’re WELCOME for doing your laundry.

Captain Hooker and Old Slutty Whore? LOL.. That IS creative…
That seems to be a common way for girls to banter. It doesn’t mean anything, and it WAS supposed to be private.

And my teen does actually have some privacy except for the internet. The kids still do not seem to figure out this is a public domain. I find lots of useful information there.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 9:22pm

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Sorry, I take offence at this statement. You are a parent not a dictator and should treat your kids with respect. This doesn't sound respectful. I have raised 3 teens and I can honestly say I never snooped on the first 2. There was no need. We had an open & good relationship. They didn't get into much trouble & if they did I knew about it. I knew when one of their friends was drunk & needed help, I knew when someone else was sad & needed a friend. My kids knew I would listen, help first then issue consequences.

However, my youngest didn't follow the family rules. He did some really bad things and when this started, privacy went out the door. I searched his room, broke into his lock box, monitored his websites and read his email almost daily. I told my youngest, he broke the rules & so it was my job to learn everything I could about him & his choices.

I believe that we should give our kids' privacy until they lose the right. Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:03am

she has a lock on her bedroom door, I do not read her emails but I will leave myself in the room so she knows that I am there, just in case. When she drops the emails when I et close, I make her pull it up, she gets upset. Tough, it's my perogative to know who she is talking to and what my daughter is doing. I do trust her, I dont' trust her friends however and they have given me reason to not trust them.

Too harsh on that statement, maybe, but I was venting.....so there. The people who take offense, you'd really take offense to how my mother treated me with privacy issues...that's why I am the way I am now. My mother took out full trash bags of my souveniers and trinkets and memorabelia (that I bought with my money) because she said it was a waste of my time to have it. My daughter is lucky that I didnt' turn into my mother....

LARK

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 1:28am
to just answer your question, yes, my teen has privacy, but, I too would have read a note that was titled like that. I will read notes he leaves laying on his bed, I do read his my blogs. I don't go looking for trouble, just like you didn't. I'm with you, my house, my kid, my rules. I'm dreading my dd11 being a teen! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:47am

Larks,
I haven't read all the replies yet, but yes. I give my kids privacy. I monitor my son's 'my space' page and his friends pages (which some think is snooping--I suppose it is, but I don't let what I read affect my opinion of my own son or his friends. they are good kids). I see some TERRIBLE, HORRIFYING language being used. I made a promise to MYSELF that I would respect that privacy---my son has NO control over the language his friends use. I find that his messages to his friends have an occasional bad word, but he personally (that i've seen) does not use degrading or horrifying language. He can't help what others say to him or to other my space users.

Until I have REASON to not trust him---illegal,or dangerous behavior---he will be afforded the privacy he wants. Once I see that there is reason to step in, then his privacy will be severely compromised.

Yes---a note in the pants........fair game if it is found. But if it was harmless, then who cares if it had not so pleasant language? Maybe that will teach your child to not leave that type of thing where a parent can read it.

Kids are going to explore the 'dark side' of appropriate behavior. It is our job as parents to understand this transition, and appreciate their growth---if the behavior becomes illegal or dangerous to their well being, THEN you have the right to step in. You have the right to express concern over disrespectful language and try to teach your child to respect others--yada yada yada-----but I wouldn't make a big deal out of something that really wasn't one.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:56am

Ok, now I've read all the other replies----wow---it pays to read first. I will re-state my case. No, my kids don't have the privacy they THINK they have---other parents worded what I was trying to say much better. I do monitor their internet---especially the my space......like Daddioe said...lots of useful information to be found BUT what I was trying to point out is that I don't use harmless things against my kid and his friends. There is horrible language used (and I'm not a prude----and I'm even shocked)--but most is bravado and showing off for friends.

So far, I've not found anything terrible about anyone---luckily---and yes, if I found a note in a pants pocket, I'd read it. If it was harmless, then I'd go about my business acting none the wiser.

Until I have reason to, I will continue to let my kids have the privacy they think they have. I agree with being on the ball and keeping up with what's up. What I don't agree with is letting the little stuff have an effect on the whole child.

best of luck,

shels

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 9:42am

Wow, all due respect, but the "You have no privacy in this house, it's my house" attitude doesn't sit well with me - at all. I really believe in teaching our kids to respect our home and everyone in it. Respect the fact that there are others doing things for you, that we're all a team and we must be considerate of one another. If there are things that you prefer to keep private, take the necessary steps to do so. However, if you leave stuff lying around you can expect that your privacy MAY be breached.

I firmly believe that thier bedroom is thier own space and while I can tell them to clean it up, they suffer the consequences of a messy room. I allow them to decorate it the way they want, barring full black paint, and as long as it's relatively clean (IOW, no dying animals or mold growing foods) I'm okay with it. I think that they need to have a space that is "thiers" and it's wrong to constantly remind them that it's MY house. They know I pay the bills and they know that they will be held responsible for thier space and other chores and that's enough. When they lose sight of that, I remind them but I really hate when H says something along the lines of "This is MY house" and he knows it so he's worked hard not to say those types of things anymore. IMO, it's OUR home and we're a team and we all have the right to some privacy unless that privacy is violated.

One we took my 16dd's door off the hinge and she only had beads at her doorway - why? Because she got into the habit of slamming her door wheneve she was upset about something. She had to change in the bathroom for a whole month and then she got her door back. She doesn't slam her door anymore. We have a "no food in the bedroom" rule so that eliminates other gross issues. And I am in charge of the floors so if a room isn't picked up, it doesn't get vacuumed until the floor is clear of clothing and garbage or papers.

Just set up some boundaries and allowing my kids to have some privacy has made it easier. I grew up in a home where no one had privacy and it was horrible - my mother always made us feel like we owed her something for being born into her house or somthing. We weren't even allowed to lock the bathroom door when we were in there or she'd stand outside the door and bang on it until we opened it and then she'd come in and inspect the bathroom like we were shooting heroin or something. She also removed all bedroom door locks from our doors. We were not allowed to whisper or talk in private on the phone. If we tried, we'd lose phone privileges. She once ripped the phone out of the wall (back when they were hard wired in) and we didn't have a phone for months! Maybe that's why I am so sensitive to giving my kids thier privacy.

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