does your teen have privacy???
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| Tue, 01-24-2006 - 5:33pm |
I wsa doing laundry, DD, 14 laundry. Empty pockets in pants before they go in wash. Every day occurance. Right?? Yeah, I find a note from Captain Hooker to Old Slutty Whore. Peaks Curiosity....read note, harmless note, just says What's up...whatever, fold back up and five it to her five minutes ago. She throws a fit, "that's mine, dont' go through my stuff", yada, yada. My explanation to her...when I find words like that, I will investigate. You have no privacy in this house, it's my house. Next time take note out of pocket before laundry day.
I am in charge of her life when she lives here. And she wants to drive in a year???? Not with that attitude. I do not go through her room, when she did clean it last time, she found a dead mouse under her bed. She learned a lesson that day....
Just here venting...do your teens have privacy??
LARK

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I'm all for venting, Lark. As a gentle reminder to anyone taking offense to Lark's view, remember - she asked whether OUR teens had privacy.... she did not ask for opinions on how she dealt with her situation.
Ok. Now, I'll answer the question. When dd had internet privleges she did not have privacy online. When/if she goes back online, I will probably back off a little - but not completely. Otherwise, she does have privacy. I leave her room alone (but require her to keep it livable), There are notes in her uniform pockets every time I wash them - I either pitch them, unread, or hand them back to her. We always know who she's talking to on the phone and who she is with when she's not here. She doesn't sneak around, and I'm grateful for that. If she did - she would lose a great deal of her privacy.
I also agree with Korie about teens needed privacy to forge their independence.
jt
My kids do have some privacy - in the bathroom, for instance; when they're changing clothes. I give the courtesy of a knock on their bedroom doors before I come in. They will never have a lock on their doors as long as they live at home. I monitor email, myspace and the internet. To me this is a safety issue as well. I would have read the note as well; however, I would not have been as obvious about it (deny, deny, deny) and in your face about the fact that she has no privacy in my home. This just sets you up for having her be even more secretive and resentful towards you. I usually try to put myself in their place: would I want my dd to read a little note I wrote to my husband? don't think so; there would have nothing "bad" about it, but its just that it wasn't intended for her. KWIM?
Feel free to vent anytime...
Yet I am confused if the OP's statements are a "board vent" or if that rigidity is actually part of the home.
OP speaking---
OK, I have read all comments and this last one deserves an answer.
Divorced 2 years ago, I finally had my own life and my own house and nogody could tell me what to do. Ex was and is still a control freak, even 2 years after divorce. DD, 14 thinks she can have her privacy and also tell me what she is doing, no matter what i say. That's when the "your a teen, I'm a mom, you'll do what I say or else" comes into play. SHe calls her dad and complains to him, ah but he agrees with me anyway so she does not win on virtually any argument. She lies to me and her dad, none too good either because we catch her, and tries to sneak in ways to just get her way and then I tell her no privacy, because I am protecting her. She can be a good kid, and we do have an ok relationship, but when I find a note like that, yeah, I'm gonna read it to make sure that it is safe. She does have a lock on her door, uses it when she changes clothes and I DO KNOCK when I enter her bedroom. So, I am not all bad.
I love my DD but I hate teenagers and their attitude. I know I have a ways to go with her and my other two kids but with so much going on in my life right now, it's just easier to vent here...KWIM???
LARK
{{{Lark}}} I totally know where you are coming from in regards to needing a place to vent.
In your original post you only sited your problem with the note you found. You didn't really give all that much insight into other issues you were having with your dd. It sounds, actually, like you're at least in a good situation with your exh, in that he respects your parenting decisions and will back you up with dd. My exh never did that up until this past year. Thankfully, he's mostly an absent parent so my rules supercede his anyway.
The only comments you made that I really feel uncomfortable with is your dislike of teens as a whole. I think that this dislike of teens in general has become the norm in our society. You're always hearing of people complaining "well, I have teenagers" as if that explains everything wrong in our lives. Teens are in a very difficult place. Besides the crap they see on TV and MTV, they have all the authority figures in thier lives telling them to grow up and be responsible, start making decisions about thier futures, etc. Then, in the next breath, the parents and educators are trying to micromanage everything they do and interrupt every decision they make. I think it can be very frustrating when parents expect two completely different behaviors from them. We want them to start acting like a young adult, yet we still treat them like they are children. We expect them to make wise decisions yet we never allow them the opportunity to make a mistake and learn from thier mistakes.
I just think that if you have certain rules and/or guidelines for your dd, and she knows them, who cares if she whines about it to everyone else? Just carry on, try not to allow her to drag you into her pitiful arguments. It's hard, I know, I have two teen dd's, both whom have tried to 'work' the divorce card on me over the years, even though they have a great stepdad. Kids will use whatever tool they have. For that matter, so do adults - manipulation is not a tool used only by teens.
Teens are people too and they deserve respect IMO, until they do something that's not deserving of respect, just like trust. We as adults expect everyone we meet to respect us and let us have our own 'space', no matter what, without question. Yet, when it comes to kids and teens, why is it any different?
If your dd is misbehaving and you need to pull in the reigns, then by all means do so. However, I think that you will find parenting three teens more difficult if you parent from the stance that "your a teen, I'm a mom, you'll do what I say or else" and with the attitude that you "hate teenagers" in general. Because thier frontal cortex is still developing they are often unable to make well thought out decisions or think logically about situations. However, they still should have a right to thier own thoughts (like the note you found, phone calls whining to dad, etc.). We as adults DO have fully developed frontal cortex and we need to learn when to tune her out and carry on business as usual. Choose our battles and learn to let stuff roll off our backs.
Have your considered counseling as a way to get yourself some support as well as way to bounce these thoughts and concerns off a professional? We did family counseling a few years ago to address some issues with my 16dd and it really was like magic for both my H and me. We learned simple ways of not letting her get to us or push our buttons. And without fail, she did just what the counselor did - she learned to change her methods of manipulation towards us. Not to say she's perfect, she's a TT with the added burden of also having some neuro-bio disorders. Anyway, the counseling definitely helped me. Good luck.
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