don't ask - don't tell...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
don't ask - don't tell...
22
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 2:42pm

i am having an ongoing discussion with my dd , and i am curious what others think..

I am of the opinion, that if you want something - you speak up... and sometimes more than once.. when and if necessary.

i believe that parents epecially may be so busy or forget or have other things on our mind..and don't always remember.

My daughter believes all she needs to do is ask once.. and if we the parents do not get back to HER.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 9:43am

She has gotton better as she uses both an agenda book for school AND a whiteboard at home for hw stuff..

Chores do have to be reminded of occassionally and while she won't help out -out of the goodness of her heart.. she won't say.. hey let me help you with that..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 9:49am

What amazes me most.. is that when she does not speak up.. it is usually a self denial situation..

and i do not fully understand this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 10:18am

She does not do this on everything. just enough that it seems to annoy ME.

She does speak up and can be VERY vocal...

i just do not understand what she is doing,

Interestingly enough.. this is the same child who would punish herself!!

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 10:51am

A few things occurred to me after reading more about this.

One, that she may feel that the things she wants aren't worth speaking up about, i.e. she secretly feels they're not worthwhile or they're inconveniencing or some other thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 8:33am

I agree with your points.

You are correct that sometimes she will say - no big deal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 9:23am

Not Mahopac, but I would definitely try a new therapist. Your DD may resist if she trusts this one, but you can tell her that when a teen is in therapy, the whole family is in therapy--this is true, as both DH and I do sometimes go in with our DD--therefore everyone must trust the therapist.

I do think this whole pattern of behavior (not speaking up, etc) fits with her being a victim of an emotionally abusive boyfriend. She is afraid to speak her needs (especially when they are only her needs) with anyone. And this may sound really sinister, but the BF may have also encouraged her to "test" her parents with stuff like this.

She has got to get rid of this creep. I agree with you that going off to college won't do the trick. She needs to want to free herself of this guy, and I think self-esteem counseling would help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 3:34pm

thanks for your post -

i had a very strange -but interesting therapy session last night with my dd.

after talking about silly things chores and laundry by the therapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 4:58pm

So glad you talked with the therapist. You daughter's behavior alarms me, though. Keep a very close eye on her over the next few days. If she says she's going to a friend's, have her call you on the friend's land line (so you can check the caller ID) when she gets there and when she's about to leave. Make sure your trusted friends know what's going on, too (easier said than done, I know--I told maybe 5 friends about my DD"s hellish year, and none of them lived in this town). Watch for any signs that she might be thinking of running away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-05-2011 - 9:39am

I would also agree that you should get another therapist--this one seems clueless and she basically said she's not qualitfied to talk about abuse.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 08-05-2011 - 10:54am

If your dd has a good relationship with this therapist, she (your dd)