Dont know if I can get thru the day

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Dont know if I can get thru the day
9
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 4:30pm

Well, its grad weekend and my son is not there. I just finished doing some errands and throughout our entire small community there is a buzz of excitement - I see all the kids in his class dressed up, limos parked in front of houses, pictures being taken, and I am so so sad. I just can't help it. I waited 12 long years to see him graduate and its not going to happen. I just feel that maybe there was more I could've done. Inside I am hurting so bad!

Last night we were watching hockey playoffs on TV and he said we wouldnt have been able to watch it if he was graduating as there was a pre-grad ceremony. I said I wouldve much rather seen him graduate than watch hockey on TV. I asked him if he was regretting his decision to quit school and that he wasnt with the rest of his class and he said no. I said not even a little bit and he said a flat out no. I find that hard to believe but whatever.

Anyway, I'm sorry, I am just finding this day incredibly hard, especially seeing all the handsomely dressed young men in their tuxes beside their dates. One of my dreams as a parent has just been shattered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 5:10pm

I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but all I can send you are some cyber((((HUGS))). I can't imagine what a tough day this is.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 7:44pm
I do know how you feel....we've been having a long discussion on the "Surviving High School" message board about this. My son is barely graduating (with a ton of help from teachers)....
The other moms have been giving me tons of support. The best of which is "you did nothing wrong as a parent". Kids have to make some of these stupid mistakes in order
to find their own way, painful as it is for us to watch.
My son will graduate, but he is not part of the prom scene. He is more than a bit of a computer nerd, and if there is one thing I won't regret about high school for him, it's the clickiness that is worse than it was when we were in school.
Read some of the messages on the surviving high school board. It's helped me.
Do something nice for yourself....it is hard watching everyone else celebrate when you
know you could have been there, but good things will happen to your son, too.
Alot of people peak at high school....you don't want that.
Best wishes
lg
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 2:36am

hugs tamara... i know how hard this is for you , i went thru the same thing with my ds, as you know. here in israel the kids have to do army or national service after HS, and it was hard watching everyone getting ready for that too, in addition to graduation, especailly as he has a cousin who was in the same grade as he was, and she did do her army service.

i wanted to point out one thing to you: your DS is very hurt by what happened to him, even if it was his 'choices' that brought him to this spot. there is nothing that he wants MORE than to be as *normal* as everyone else. trust me --- he may be cynical and sarcastic about the graduation, but believe me - he wants to be marching down that auditorium with everyone else. one of the important lessons i learnt from ds's therapist is to learn to accept our kids as they are. I am not saying that you have to accept his bad habits and unhealthy choices - but you need to learn to accept him as he is, right now. give him support and love and don't be angry...

i know how hard this is ----- hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:09pm
I know this was one of your dreams. Its definitely one of mine. All I can say is this -- there are alot of ways to be successful in life. And although we all appreciate the importance of a good education not all of us are cut out for that type of success. Look at ways to help him find his particular success. There are plenty of good vocations out there such as skilled trades that he can get through apprenticeships. Continue to support and believe in him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:30pm
I cried reading your message. I expect I will be there in a few years. I'm making myself crazy trying to fix the situation but can not, I just hope that my DS finds his way and yours as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:58pm

I, too, feel your pain. I just wish I knew why some kids do so well in school and why some kids don't. With 4 days of school left, my dd (14) got herself suspended from school (for having cigarettes). It is still touch and go as to whether or not she will have to repeat the 8th grade. Yes, it is sad. I wish I knew what the answer was for both of us.

Sending hugs your way!
Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:14pm
OMG in your first paragraph I thought you lost your son. and when i read on i realized you son quit school. you must be crushed. but you still have your son. we don't understand what they are thinking sometimes. But while we have them and they have us , just be there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 1:49pm

This must be so hard. It seems that in finding their niche in life, some young people make it very painful on themselves and their family.

Maybe this will help a tiny bit: I work with college seniors who are excellent students, highly motivated, and career driven. However, for many of them, this was not always the case. A good number got their GEDs rather than finish the traditional high school, many had rough freshman years, and many only matured after they had spent time in the military or in other careers. I can imagine their early choices were very hard on their parents.

That it hurts so bad means you care and in his own way your son must know this. Try not to be hard on yourself and hang in there! They still really need us after 18.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 2:15pm

I know it's not the same thing, but my dd14 was sent home a letter saying she would not be able to participate in 8th grade graduation ceremonies due to her grades. They are promoting her with summer school, but she couldn't participate. I almost cried when I got the letter. She said she "didn't care". Well, I happened to be talking to my ds16's dr. (formerly her dr. too) and she said that is a defense, and to do whatever I could to make it happen. I made a few phone calls and it turns out b/c my dd was diagnosed with mild ADD and had a 504 plan prepared which was not in effect for most of the year, that they will waive the graduation ceremony requirement and she can participate. I told my dd, and she is considering it now that she can, and most of her friends will be there, too. She's not big on that kind of attention, and kind of shy but maybe she will want to participate (I hope).

My heart goes out to you as well - I worry that someday I may be in your position, and yes, it would hurt terribly. I think what must hurt the most is that you feel kind of abandoned...? Most parents who are in your shoes and feel the way you do won't come out and say it - its much easier to brag on their kids, and when there is nothing to brag about just say nothing at all. Unfortunately, in our society it does seem that the parents get blamed for alot of what goes wrong when others don't know the details ("well, they should have done this and that with their teen...") and there is a shame attached to that. Sometimes there really is nothing you can do and despite your best intentions some kids have to learn the hard way. I suspect your ds is this way.

Stay strong, and know that you are not alone.