don't know what to do now

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
don't know what to do now
4
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:58am
Alot of you have read about my concerns with my daughters b/f. Now my daughter who has always wanted ot be a teacher decides that she needs to go into a field to make better money. When I asked her why sha just said she didnt want to struggle finanacially. I think it's because she knows if she marrieds this guy that he is to lazy to hold a good jump to support them. I know she knows just by some things she says.
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 12:14pm

Ks, I know you are so worried about your dd and her choice of b/f. {{{{hugs}}}} But don't let her deciding to change career paths at 17 give you cause for worry. Don't automatically jump to the conclusion that it's because she is planning on marrying this guy. At least, in your post, you say it's only what you think, not what she has told you. Perhaps she has simply come to the realization that teachers *don't* make a lot of money (as opposed to, say, an engineer or something else more specialized). I would venture to guess that very, very few kids at 17 really *know* what they want to do. My own ds19 has changed what he wants to do no less than probably 10 times over the last year, year and a half. I'm sure she does know she would have to support him if they do marry. *IF* being the key word. I'm not saying she won't jet off at some point once she becomes of age and marries this guy, because I simply don't know. And honestly, at this point, most likely, neither do you. You may "think" it, you may "feel it in your bones", but you don't "know" it for certain. I think what I'm trying to say, is don't borrow trouble. You are going to make yourself sick worrying about things that you aren't ever sure of. As parents, we have enough to worry about on things we *are* sure of. None of us know our kids' future, and sometimes their choices and their actions cause us to really be concerned, but at this point, her choice to change fields may have nothing to do with b/f. And if it does, I don't think there is a whole lot you can really do about it. She knows how you feel. At some point, she is going to lead her own life, whether you like it how she does it or not.

I just re-read this, and parts of it sound a little harsh. I certainly don't mean to sound that way at all. I know you love your dd and want to help her become all she can be (dang, that sounds like an ad for the Marines, or something!), but there is only so much you can do. Just love her, and let her know you will always be there for her, regardless of what path she takes in life.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:33pm

I have seen a few of your previous posts about your concern that your dd will marry this guy and mess up her life. In this post I see the good news that she evidently plans to attend college if she wanted to be a teacher, and now wants to do something that will allow her a higher income. The better news is that during those 4 or more years of college she will A) mature a lot, B) meet a lot of hard-working highly motivated people, C) become friends with all kinds of people, and D) likely see her current bf's faults and maybe even decide that she doesn't want to be with him anymore.

Evidently he fulfills her in some way that she needs, and she will stay with him until she no longer needs him to fulfull her--whether she outgrows the need or finds someone else to replace him. Or she will always want him and he will eventually become your son in law, in which case be careful what you say about him now! Bottom line is that when she turns 18 it is her choice. As her parent you can exert financial pressure (such as you will not pay for her education if she marries) which may or may not turn out the way you want. Based on typical teen romances there is a strong possibility that your dd will not end up married to this guy. And if she does marry him you will have to accept it and hope that he rises to the occasion. Letting go can be really hard and unpleasant but we need to do it as our kids become adults. We have to trust that we have done the best that we could in raising them, and let them start living their own lives.

I know that it is hard to let go of this, but you can make yourself crazy with worry over something that ultimately you have no control over.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 5:38am
The fact that your DD is looking at different options for a career is a good thing. Sounds like she is ready to become a strong career woman with great earning potential. Go girl! Don't worry so much about the BF at this point... I know that is hard. Even if she is considering a better paying career to support him (kids do think that way), chances are she will move on when she goes to college. There is so much to experience in college and a lot of fun to be had! At that point she may tire of BF and with her career goals she will be at a vantage point. She won't feel trapped. You know how much I have been worrying about my DD who basically had the same issue (maybe still does?), but after all the advice I received here DH and I have been working on building up her confidence and hoping it helps her make better decisions. She broke up with BF (sort of); they still talk to each other, but she just is not putting up with some of his behavior anymore. He has told her he would change; she said she needs to SEE changes before she will believe that (Yay DD!). I'm not saying things are great yet.. but she does seem to be progressing and raising her self-esteem. Could that be the issue with your DD? How is her relationship with her dad? For us, when DH realized he needed to be more supportive and less of a dictator, things began to get a little better. You may feel you always have to give advice and when she doesn't take it, give the advice again. I have done that too and I'm working on backing off. The best thing you can do is let her make other confidence-boosting choices (like college, sports, work) in her life and she will be more likely to make better relationship choices. Blessings.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 5:59am

FWIW, I've had the same conversation (without the lazy boyfriend) with my DD. She has said off and on that she'd like to be a HS teacher, because she can see how much influence a good (or bad) HS teacher can have. Recently, she said "I know teachers don't make alot of money". DH and I have talked with her about choosing a career based on what you like, what you're good at, and what you can imagine doing for a long time. If you do that, you'll be fine financially. We definitely want her to see that she can do whatever she wants, and that how much money you make is only part of the equation.

If she does end up on a professional track (education or other), she may soon grow tired of a BF who doesn't pull his weight. Or he may grow up. Or 10 years from now she may be the breadwinner and he the stay-at-home dad. Or 10 years from now he may be a distant memory.

Sue