Don't know what I feeling
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| Sun, 07-29-2007 - 6:21pm |
I know I’m not going to be the first mother to think she’s the worst but I don’t know what I am feeling. My DD will be a senior come September. We are in the process of looking at colleges. Although she says she wants to go, she really doesn’t show any enthusiasm about the process. I just know that if I don’t push the time table she will let everything sit until the last minute.
She is an average student. Her GPA is around 2.8. She got 1590 on her SAT’s (including the writing component). She says she does not want to live away from home.
My first reaction was relief that we won’t have to spend for housing at college.
Then I felt annoyed because I know the reason she doesn’t want to live away is because she doesn’t want to leave her boyfriend and, to me, that’s a stupid reason to throw away the chance to experience true college life.
Then I think we can’t force her to go. Each time I bring it up she says, “what, are you trying to get rid of me?” “Of course not”, I say. “If you don’t want to go away that’s your decision. I just want you to be truthful with yourself as to the real reason why. I don’t want you to regret it years later like I do. I never lived on my own once in my entire life. I went from my father’s house to my husband’s house and at 47 years old, I still regret that I didn’t go away to school”
Then I look around at the mess, the burned frying pans left in the sink, the laundry all over her room, the no job all summer and annoying me for money, laying around doing nothing, etc, etc, and I think, “yeah, maybe I AM trying to get rid of her” Then I feel like s**t.
Does any of this make sense???

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I am a big fan of community colleges
Here, ours is quite popular as we also have a University that has tough admission standards and is only allowed to take a certain number from each high school graduating class. It is "accepted' that many students, including some excellent ones, will do two years at the CC and transfer there. Actually, they ran an article in our paper the other day that had 40% of the graduating class from a nearby community attending this CC next fall!!!!!
Your diploma lists the college you graduated from-period. No one knows the details. Be sure DH knows this little tidbit
I've heard the CC kids arent as motivated, and Im sure there are more undecided kids at CC so that is true, but it doesnt mean your kid cant be one of the motivated ones at CC. And Im sure it depends on the CC-folks drive past the ones nearer their homes to come to the one here and you may need to do that to get more quality
The cost differential is huge for us!
I think you have a good plan in mind but I would even take it a step further and have DD look into the CC as an option now and see if it excites her
We were on our way to an appointment yesterday afternoon and I took the advise from you guys and brought up college again. I told her it was OK with me if she didn't want to go away. But I asked her again, I tried to be really nice and calm about it, the real reason why.
I asked her if she was nervous about going to college. She said she was because she thinks she's not a really great student and is worried about the college courses. (She could be a great student if she wasn't so lazy and easily distracted, but that's another thread for another day ). She said it was really a worry for her and thinking about college classes, moving away, being responsible for EVERYTHING, being away from everyone, including but not exclusively her boyfriend was really stressing her out. If she lived at home, at least that stress would be eliminated. AT LAST, a straight answer.
I asked her if she would prefer not to go at all for awhile. She said "what else am I supposed to do?" I said, "you can get a job. It will be a minimum/low pay job but you could work and save a bit and go to school later" She said she doesn't want to work in a supermarket (did that last summer and HATED it!!) or at Kmart and she knows without a college education she might get stuck there. I actually thought that was a very mature answer.
We left the conversation there for now. I spoke to her father later that night and told him to stop pushing the college visit to the school where she would have to live away. Why waste the time if she doesn't want to go there. You guys are right. I need to stop worring that she will make the same mistake I made and not go away. It was MY mistake. That doesn't mean it will be HERS. As is painfully obvious in many other aspects of our lives, we are not the same person. Different people make different decisions with differnt outcomes. I need to remember that.
I'm going to look into CCP and find out from the schools she does like what there transfer requirements are. If she fails to get into those schools on the first try, maybe CCP will be a good option for now. At least it isn't Kmart
One more additional thought.
No, I'm not a SAHM (took me a few seconds to even know what that stood for LOL) but I do understand what you are saying. I could never talk to my mom about things. It was either her way or the wrong way. I always tried not to be that way in the hope that my relationship with my DD would be more open and trusting. It is, but it still hurts when it's not perfect.
In my naivety (sp?) I thought that if I identified all the things my mother did or didn't do that I hated and changed them, my relationship would be perfect. DD is 17 and I still fight myself over this feeling. I still feel like I did something wrong whenever we hit lifes natural bumps. It is sooooo stupid to feel that way and, intellectually, I don't. But, damn, if my heart doesn't over rule my head sometimes! LOL
The point of going to college is to get an education not to experience "college life".
In many cases, kids are too young to take care of themselves. Staying home while attending college is a good stepping stone. The kids can start their adult life less in debt as well. And anyways, going away for college is not the same as standing on your own two feet. Mom and Dad are usually helping to pay. Standing on your own two feet means being self-sufficient,completely.
You know, there is a very simple way around the "going from father's house to husband's house" problem. Encourage your daughter NOT to consider making a long-term commitment to anyone till after she has finished her education and has supported herself for at least a year. Get the degree, get a job, get that exciting first real apartment first. She owns it to herself and to her future husband.
That is how we have brought up our kids and how we were (both my DH & I) were brought.
From an early age I have told my kids that there is a big world out there. They should see some of it before they settled down. The person they may think is perfect for them at 20 or 22 will not be the same person they would choose at 25 or 30. There is no hurry.
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