Double standard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Double standard?
9
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 7:16pm

I have a question that has caused tremendous stress between myself and DH. We have five children, four boys and one girl. We are a blended family--he had two boys from his first marriage and I had two boys and a girl. Our DD is the youngest.

We currently have only two children left at home, my youngest stepson, who is 17, and my daughter, who is 16. We have gone through some typical struggles with each of our children, some minor and some major. But overall, they are good kids. Right now DD has a boyfriend who is 15, comes from a good family and seems to have good morals. I trust him with my daughter (as much as I'd trust any boy, which equals trust with watchfulness). I also trust his parents to be watchful. DD has gone to this boy's home several times, to eat dinner, watch movies, and once to spend an afternoon. My DH really hates this, says that no good can come of it, and gets terribly upset with me when I allow her to go. He says that we are "condoning a relationship" between the two of them (I guess he means a sexual relationship). DD and I have had many, many conversations about her values, her goals for the future, and she assures me she wants to keep her virginity until she is married.

Now, I'm not naive, I realize that things can happen even to the best of kids when hormones are involved. I have chosen to trust my daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents, while continually talking to my daughter. It's not like she's over there all the time, it's only been about 3 times so far.

Now to the double standard issue....my stepson, at 17, basically leaves the house when he feels like it and comes home whenever. We never know where he is when he's gone. He'll say he's going to run an errand, then will be gone for hours. He does come home by curfew, which is 11 pm. But he could be gone from morning till night with no word from him at all. My husband says this bothers him, but has done nothing to stop it. I have told my stepson that I disapprove and asked him to at least call in from time to time and let us know where he is. He does that once in awhile, but not often. My stepson and I have a good relationship (I've been mom to him and his brother since they were both very young), but he just doesn't see the need to let us know where he is. I exercise the same healthy trust with my stepson that I do with my daughter--but he doesn't talk to me, so it doesn't feel the same.

I'd appreciate some comments from others about this situation. Is it a double standard? Am I right or wrong to treat my daughter the way I do? And how can my husband and I come to a compromise so that we're expecting the same things from both children?

Thanks for your input.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sad_2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 10:56pm

I'm not sure I really see a "true" double standard, but I do kinda see what you are getting at. You know where your dd is and you don't know where your dss is. Dad disapproves of *where* dd is thinking she is being placed in a vulnerable postion, yet he doesn't seem nearly as concerned as to where his ds may be and what *he* may be doing. I think dads (even step-dads) are just more protective of their daughters. I personlly think it has to do with their remembering their *own* boyhood--you know, hormones and all that. ;) Yes, that may be a double-standard, but sometimes, that's just the way things are. I don't have a dd (just 2 sons) but if I were to be brutally honest, I would probably be a little more protective of my daughter too, on certain things--like driving alone, or driving any kind of major distance, things like that. And, yep, that would be a double standard on my part. As far as how you treat your dd, I think what you allow is perfectly acceptable. They sound like they are fairly well supervised, so I don't really see a problem. Dad may feel that since ds is 17--possibly soon to be off on his own either working or college--that the boy should be allowed this privelege. Granted, a 17yo should be able to be a little "freer", if you will, than a 16yo. especially if he has given you no reason to doubt his decision-making skills.

Can you explain to either/both DH and DSS that you worry when you don't hear from him for hours on end? You don't mean to curtail his freedom, you are just asking for a little courtesy to check in. I tell my boys it's a mom thing--kinda like a nasty condition you just have to learn to live with. We make a kind of joke out of it, but since I put so non-threateningly, they are *usually* good about checking in.

I'm sure some of the other ladies will chime in. They always have such good advice here. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
In reply to: sad_2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 6:12am
Yes it is a double standard, and most dads have this issue. Look at it this way. Dads pretty much can guess what their sons might be up to since they were once that age. With daughters, they are clueless. This scares them because once again they know how teenage boys think. Moms on the other hand tend to trust the daughters more for the same reason. Moms know what it is to think like a girl. We had the same issues at our house. When son was out I paced the floor wondering why he didn't call while dad calmly sat and watched tv. If daughter was out and especially with a boy, dad became restless. I knew she was fine. Sounds like your daughter is fine too. Now if you can just convince your husband. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: sad_2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:44am

I think the other posts hit the nail on the head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
In reply to: sad_2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:17pm
Thanks to all of you. It's nice to see others are in the same boat. I do think it's true that I am more trusting of my DD, both because I was a girl once and because she and I talk all the time, whereas she hardly talks to my DH at all. I think the issue with my DSS is even more troubling though, because, IMO, he's more likely to hang out with a crowd of kids that could get into trouble. DH says that, "when he gives me a reason not to trust him, then there will be h*ll to pay" but on the other hand is ready to ban DD from going to her boyfriend's house with no cause. *sigh* I realize it's a difference of parenting styles, but it sure is frustrating....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: sad_2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:27am

I can't imagine why your DH wants to stop your DD from going to her bf's house when his parents are there. I wouldn't want any of my kids hanging out w/ their bf or gf alone in a house because there is too much temptation, but I assume that they are alone sometimes anyway. Do they go on dates? In a car alone? As we all know, anyone who wants to find the time & place can do something their parents don't want them to do. I do think that fathers have a hard time w/ their girls growing up. Last year when my DD went to the junior prom, I thought she looked really beautiful and grown up. She had a black gown w/ a V-neck w/ silvery beading at the neck. I thought she looked like a movie star. My ex's reaction was "my little girl is too grown up." His wife & I were just like "get over it."

Where is your DD's father in all this? My DH & I try to have the same rules for our various kids as far as keeping the house neat, etc. but when it comes to whether or not our kids can go out, date, etc. I feel that I will decide for my kids and let him decide for his. Really not all kids are at the same maturity level too, so what works for one at one age might not work for another at the same age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
In reply to: sad_2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 7:45pm

Yes, my DD and her boyfriend do go on dates sometimes, in groups mostly but also alone. Neither of them drive but they walk places and go to the movies, etc. I agree totally with you, that if a kid wants to do something wrong they'll find a way, no matter what the rules are. I just figure that I work really hard to help my daughter make good decisions, and I have to give her some chances to show she can.

As for my ex, he's around, but he and my DD don't have a great relationship. She rarely sees him anymore and he leaves decisions about raising the children mostly to me. It's interesting how I've found that my DH makes most of the decisions for his two boys, and I make them for my biological kids. Even though we've been married most of their lives, it's still that way. I wonder if that's true of most blended families?

I just think that if we shelter our daughters too much we don't give them the chance to prove their strength. I certainly don't want to put her in a dangerous position, but I also want her to know she can be alone with a boy and stand up to the pressures of adolescence by holding true to her values. And I pray a lot, of course!

Val

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
In reply to: sad_2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 8:30pm

Hi. I'm 15.

Firstly... THAT IS SOOO WRONG!!!!! It is so unfair to treat your daughter that way! You know she can tell right? Unless your daughter is stupid she can see the difference in how you treat him and her. That double standard stuff hurts a lot.

Now. My parents are very religious. They are also very strict. We have a good relationship and most things we can talk about. I told them that I would wait until marriage. But I didn't. I'm not on birth control because in my state you have to be 16 to get it without parents knowing. We do use condoms though. Just because your daughter says she wants to wait don't mean she really does. She'll make the decision right for her when the time comes.

I think you should treat both children as equals. Either loosen up on your daughter or tighten up on your son. It would make me feel much less loved if my parents did what you are doing. I probably wouldn't say anything though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
In reply to: sad_2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 9:01pm

Dear arielgurl,

Thank you for your input. I don't think you quite understood the discussion, because I do have the same expectations for both my son and my daughter. I appreciate your comments though, and I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: sad_2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:10am

Unfortunately I think its somewhat human nature to have different standards for boys and girls. Its not right but I also don't see a very quick shift, culturally, in the application of double standards.

We still perceive girls as more "fragile" than boys in many ways and we instinctively try to protect them. I come from an Italian heritage background. In Italian our parents had a saying, which is very old and loosely translated says, "A boy goes out alone and comes back one person alone; a girl goes out alone and comes back as two." The implication, of course, is unwanted pregnancy. But when I was growing up was still very strongly enforced and young women did NOT go out on dates or have boyfriends unless they were of an age when they were ready to be married. We just didn't date casually at all.

Now, on the flipside, Italian boys are raised as "lovers" -- very macho -- and expected to have many conquests through their lives. A man who is a virgin at marriage is highly suspect. Just whom all these people think these guys were bedding when no girls were supposed to be out is the question. Oh...but then again...there were the "bad girls" who fulfilled these roles.

So sexually active girls were sluts, sexually active boys were "manly" and "macho", virginal girls were good (and preferable as wives), virginal men were suspected as possibly gay....

Stupid eh? And yet I don't think we've evolved very much beyond these attitudes although we may couch them in more politically correct language.

I think you should talk to your husband about these double standards but do so in a very open and honest dialogue. Ask him how we would react if his son came home saying he got a girl pregnant. Ask him if he expects his son to remain a virgin until marriage and if he has had discussions with him about sex and birth control. Ask him what he would do if he found out your dd was sexually active but with someone she loved. Ask him "why" -- alot. Because its only by examining his own attitudes on the issue that he might come to some different understanding of the situation.

And as for your daughter -- don't stress yourself out too much. She is going to live her own life and make her own decisions. You've had discussions with her and she knows how you feel. Now its up to her to decide how she feels. If she does have sex before marriage, let's be honest here, its not the end of the world. As long as she does so responsibly.