Drunk 14 yr old DD / "cutting" marks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Drunk 14 yr old DD / "cutting" marks...
12
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:06pm
I am very distraught right now.. please I need some good strong advice. My DD is 14 and a freshman. She is super super smart... in all honors classes with all A's with very little effort needed. She's very involved in school and is very beautiful and on the surface seems to have it all. However..... She has always had problems making friends. She seems to always have 1 best friend and doesn't put a lot of effort into nuturing other friendships. Her 17 yr old brother is a big school Jock and very popular. He seems to have unlimited friends. Enough background info...
Last night, DD went to a Halloween party with her friend. Her friend slept over. When I fell asleep they were in the basement laughing, talking, watching TV. I heard a bang about 3AM and woke up. I found DD totally Drunk and puking in the basement. Her sober friend was asleep in the couch. DD had opened our liquor cabinet and was plastered.. unable to stand, vomiting... disgustingly drunk. On the side of her wrists were 6 cut marks... not like she was cutting her wrist ... but shallow scratchlike marks. She was crying about how her has no friends and that we like her perfect brother more.
We had a similiar scary incident 2 weeks ago. Me and my husband had argued with DD about something. Me and husband left to go to a brother's sporting event and when we came home, DD was drunk. She had polished off Cosmo's left over from a party we had hosted over the weekend. Again, she had sat home alone and gotten totally drunk. We wrote off this 1st incident to being a teenager. I'm not so sure we made the right call here.
I think DD needs help... but I don't know what to do. I'm ashamed to say that I'm embarrassed to bring her to our doctor. How do I proceed? Has anyone had a similiar experience? Please help me as I can barely type through my tears and shaking. I am so scared. I want with all my heart to help her in the best way that I can. I don't want to leave her with some medical history of mental problems... maybe that isn't even an issure here. Who should I go to for help? Please give me your opinion on this. Thanks so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005

Please please please go get help for your daughter - what you've described is a call for help from her - she knew she'd get caught, and asked for you to do something. My DD has a friend who spent alot of 7th and 8th grade drinking and cutting - it's gotten somewhat better this year (10th), but I think it's because last year her mother realized what was going on and started working with her on it.

If you're embarrassed to talk to the doctor, look in the yellow pages under counseling - most cities/states have guidance centers or clinics for children and teens in trouble. The School Psychologist or Guidance Counselor might have suggestions.

(BTW, for right now, it might help to get alchohol out of your house. Clearly this is a problem for your DD right now. It not *causing* the problem, but having it so accessible doesn't help)

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Well, i am no expert, that's for sure i have my share of teen problems too. Please don't be embarrassed...be scared. you need to get help for her. my dd when she gets mad claims we like our son better and screams.."what do u want me to do, cut myself?" where do these kids get this from...my daughter too is beautiful..honors, has friends. it is scarey. the alcohol..if she wasn't sick enough last time to get her to stop then she will do it again. she puking didn't deter her at all. i'm surprised she did this when her friend was sleeping over but then maybe all the laughing and goodtimes w/the one friend made her mind wander off as to why is it she only has this one friend. and why can't she be more like her brother. teens are puzzeling to me and to all parents. we can't figure them out and sometimes we can't put them back together. it's a struggle but when they start showing physical signs of distruction, there is no time to waste. God knows what she could have attempted while everyone was sleeping...she had enough time to get plastered..what if.... what if in her drunken state she grabbed a bottle of perscription pills or something and popped them. she would not know any better, she's drunk. it is scarey and maybe the last two times you were luckey....God forbid..three strikes we are out. Please get her help..i have to agree, it is a cry out to you for help she is extremely unhappy and distrubed and I have to also agree..get the alcohol out of the house. Don't be embarassed to talk to anyone. go to her pediatrician, go to the school guidence counselor, they have pier mediators too. please don't "not" recognize this desperation your daughter is going through. she is only 15.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006

Your daughter needs counseling. I would ask her physician or your friends for a reference before the school--after my son's suspension (see my suspended,$350 jacket post) I do not trust a single administrator or teacher at my son's high school.

Against my husband's wishes, (he, too, is worried about establishing a "mental health" history)I took my son to a psychologist recommended by my boss. You would not believe the relief I felt after that first session. My son was very reluctant to go, but in the end, he agreed to meet with him again. And after that the psych will meet with us parents. I am still worried about him, and it could get worse, especially if his grades continue to go down as a result of the emotional trauma and missing 5 days of classes. He has not exercised in 2 weeks. He was not eating well until the past few days. But I know that the psych session helped.

My son is an introvert, and like your daughter, he has an older brother who is an extrovert and was always surrounded by many friends. Their personality traits are innate, and they are simply different kids. You are lucky your daughter will talk to you. With my son, I never know what is going through his head cuz he holds everything inside.

Again, please ask around for references for a good, teen psych. (My boss did say she took her daughter to a Christian counselor who just stared at her, waiting for her to talk, before finding the counselor to whom she referred me.) Do not be embarrassed--none of us is perfect, and you and your daughter don't have to be either. Be glad YOU discovered your daughter's problem rather than the school. The zero tolerance dictators in our schools could damage her beyond repair. I hope my son turns out okay after all this. Don't wait, and best of luck! We'll be praying for your family.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

Please don't be embarassed to take your DD to your doctor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003

i'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in... it sounds scary...
we found out our daughter was cutting in 8th grade... we didn't know until the summer after 8th grade and we immediately found a therapist who she's been seeing since... she tells us that the cutting is over and she realizes how dumb it was but admitted that many kids (girls) were cutting in jr. high... it's a lot more prevelant than I would've thought...

good luck,
rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Janetlz: are u directing your post at me or at the initial poster?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:12am
Sorry, Cedar--I meant to reply to hollybeary, but did not go back to her original post before hitting the reply button.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 11:05am

My first advice is to remove all alchol from your home. Don't even have beer in the house. Your dd can't be trusted with it and obviously she is looking at drinking as some form of escape.

Second.. get her into counseling asap.

Third .. get family counseling asap. Some of the things she said seem very serious and your dd is hurting big time. Her relationship with both you and her brother are at risk.

Most imporantly ... take what she says seriously. Don't dismiss her comments as inconsequential because to her they are not.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:14am

I also would not be comfortable with the schools-they are not bound by HIPAA and IME tend to be rather gossipy places

Call your health plan-they all seem to have some advisor nurse type person and you will feel pretty anoynomous. They will also tell you what is covered which is going to narrow your choices and give you some direction

Yes, this is important-do not ignore it-its more than once and its combined issues. Also, I would be more concerned about drinking alone than drinking at a Firday night party

I would not worry about this being a stigma following her-I got that from your post-maybe I misread.

These days so many teens have ADHD, Aspergers, bipolar, etc, etc...I dont think there is the stigma we might remember from our own youth

People worry about putting their kids in Special Ed for the same reasons and I have to laugh. My son has had an IEP from day one and I STILL go into the school 6-8 weeks into the school year and mention 'IEP'. Invariably, I get "B has an IEP??????"

We go through this every single year. So much for following him for life-I cant even get it to follow him from one school year to the next

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:49am
I want to thank all of you for your support! This whole episode has been an eye-opener for me. I've done a lot of self-reflection this past weekend and I know now that I give advice a lot easier than I take it, and that my own secretiveness concerning household problems and issues sounds a whole lot like my DD's secretiveness.
Anyway... the alcohol is all gone from my house now. I called the pediatrician this morning. He listened, told me that I needed to find help.... but couldn't really recommend a counselor. Any advice on how to find a good counselor? I'm relectant to discuss all of this with friends/neighbors. Thank you!

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