ds acting out uncontrollably. :(
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ds acting out uncontrollably. :(
| Sat, 05-05-2007 - 9:23pm |
we not a good scene at our home today. try and be short .. ds is in a band he and one of his band member friends plan on rooming together at collage this fall..band member friend broke up w/psyco girlfriend. girlfriend visits him and finds pot in his bedroom and turns it over the the parents. the parents totally take everything away from friend, car, comp, cell, no more band ( and they had their first two ever gigs scheduled this month) and no rooming w/ds at collage. ds gets furious at psyco ex gf and posts horrible words to her on her myspace. the friend's dad call ds and threaten's him . says he is going to kick his a** , beat the f888888 crap out of him if he doesn't leave the girl alone. ds tells us and my dh calls the father. tell the father he did not appreciate him talking to ds that way . that we are also concerned parents and are not blind to it and are taking it a day at a time. the father apologizes for what he said to ds but still remains the same no rooming together, no band. after the call is ended, we spoke w/ds and told him his words and actions were inappropriate. his words were hatful and strong and never should have been said. ds freaked out and said he hated us, thought we would defend him. said my husband was not considered his father,,...got so mad, punched the wall and as he was walking away under his breath said we were f88**** idiots. my ds is extremely hurtful w/words and i just don't know how to get through to him anymore. Yes, he does see a psy. he is on lamictal, zoloft and adderal. was just on zoloft but they added the others saying he was depressed. i am afraid he will get so angry some day and hurt him self or another. :( do i have the only child that curses, punches walls and is so angry??? it doesn't happen often.

<<< do i have the only child that curses, punches walls and is so angry??? >>>
By no means are you alone in this. The destruction at my house starts at the front door, goes down a hallway, and DS-18's room has over 200 holes in it. It's been a few months now since he's done it, but that's because now I have the leverage of putting him out on his butt, and he knows I'll do it.
The friend's father really went overboard, didn't he? Of course, what your DS did was wrong, but it's no wonder he's feeling stressed over the situation. And it sounds like the father blames your DS for the pot in his son's room. If he thinks that just because they aren't rooming together his son won't smoke pot in college, well, he'll have a rude awakening. I remember being absolutely devastated when 2 weeks before graduating high school, my best friend announced she was pregnant and getting married. We were supposed to be rooming together in college. It suddenly changed everything and I was scared and nervous about going off alone. Hopefully the friend's father will change his mind on that.
<<< i am afraid he will get so angry some day and hurt him self or another. >>>
I understand. During the year that my DS was acting out violently, we took all the guns out of the house. I was terrified his anger would overwhelm him and he'd kill himself.
My son was able to get a hold on his temper, and I'm sure yours will also.
Hang in there and keep us posted.
zz
I think breaking up your ds and this boy is a good idea
It isnt about fault. It's like my DS2 and his buddy M-what one doesnt think of, the other does. They had their rut and they were solidly stuck in it. A new roomie for each of them means a new opportunity for something positive
DS2 roomed with M this his college freshman year and M left second semester. DS2 seemed much happier and settled without M always complaining about the small town atmosphere of the college, etc. And his new roomie was actually studious and ambitious
I doubt DS2 stopped smoking pot but I suspect it cut down-new roomie doesnt appear to smoke and DS2's GF disapproves and there simply wasn't the best buddy there providing that easy opportunity
All is not well here, of course, as DS2 is coming back to attend community college where M attends. They wont live together but I still worry about 'the rut'
Visited with DS2s high school counselor briefly at DS3s IEP and he asked about my college freshman. His words when I told him the best friend roomie had left after one semester-"probably the best thing for both of them"
I know your son is hurt and angry and Im sure you feel they are putting inordinate blame on your son, but they likely see this as a bad combo and are doing what seems right at the time(dont we all)
Your son may be a happier person once he works through this simply because he doesnt have this buddy agreeing with 'this sucks' all teh time, KWIM? The anger may be bad now and for weeks to come but he may end up in a better place because of all this
No, none of my sons have acted out in that type of physical manner. I wish I had more advice. Forgive me for jumping to conclusions, but based on my sons relationship with his best friend, I assume your son is also using pot. Have you explored what this does in terms of drug interaction?
If he insists he in not using because he knows he cant I would force a random drug test-no warning-just do it, particularly after a weekend
No, my son's not on meds.
<<< how do you handle you son when he get like that and starts the distruction? >>>
I didn't handle him at all when he was that angry. Trying to talk him down didn't help, he'd just get madder. So basically I would do nothing, but perhaps go to my room, and wait for him to calm down. And then usually he would be willing to talk some. He wasn't working and so he hasn't paid for the destruction. He just started a job today and slowly he'll begin paying us, and helping us, redo the walls.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
zz
Congrats to your DS on his new job!
Sallie
OOOOOhhh....that hurts! Your DS's friend's dad really did go overboard. It's as if he's automatically blaming your DS for the fact that his son had pot in his room. When my DS17 was suspended for drinkng,from what he's told me, it sounds like a friend supplied the EtOH. But NEVER, would I hold that against his friend. My DS was clearly at fault and I know there is no way he was FORCED to drink the few sips he had.
My DS did not get accepted to the college of his choice, and the friend with whom he planned to room did. That means DS will have an unknown roommate at his 2nd choice school. That's okay. Although DS24 had a blind roommate situation that was wasn't great (they had different hrs/study habits and never saw each other) it's still a good experience for them to learn to deal with differences. His sophomore year he roomed with a new friend he met freshman year, and all was well for the remaining three years.
Punching.....on Friday DS17 was so mad when I told him he was grounded for one night (he'd been warned)for again being tardy to a class, that he banged his bedroom door; and if it hadn't been a solid wood door, I'm sure there'd be a hole in it. After he mowed the lawn and spent another hour killing weeds I undgrounded him, but did make him come home by midnight (and I was SO glad he complied) cuz he had an early soccer game the next day. He's generally quite passive, but I fear he's tending toward passive-aggressive. If he'd only learn to EXPRESS his feelings in WORDS (without swearing). UHG!!
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I am so sorry that you're going through this. You haven't said much about the pot except that the other boy got caught with it. I would guess if your ds is that close with him, he is using pot too. I have a nephew who sounds alot like your ds's temper. He spent a year and 1/2 punching holes into walls and things. His mother, my sister was beside herself. He was on Med's for depression. All the violent behavoir has now been explained. The drugs were FAR worse than pot. Cocain, then self medicating with prescription drugs to bring himself back down , drinking also :( Even using the arisol and home made remidies. My sister had no idea. The temper and fighting just kept my sister looking at other things. He finally got caught, and she put him in a re-hab school. That is when really all of the info came out about how much he was doing. The only reason I tell you all of this, is that he is back home, not without difficulty....he is a recovering adict, but the temper is gone! The drugs were definitly causing all of that. Maybe something you want to look further into.
Good Luck. I know how difficult it is.