DS and GF, weird or new generation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2006
DS and GF, weird or new generation?
14
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:17am
OH please help me. I may be old fashion but there's somthing to be said for that! DS has gf. Both in hs. Ds is senior, GF is junior. Spent every day afterschool until curfew (8:30 on school nights to leave time for SOME homework) together. I mean TOGETHER. Practically joined at HIP! Drives me insane. He can't move 2 ft w/o her trying to be in physical contact or within his normal 'personal space'. Her family life not that of the Cleavers, and she's realized what a gem she found in DS. Her father I think also realizes so he encourages relationship. DH and I worried about relationship. DS blogs. Have read blogs from both teens, talk of 'one for me', and 'someday getting down on 1 knee for you'.. HELP! both FAR too young in my opinion for that kind of discussion!
We try to never leave them in a house alone. GF's father agreed but he travels and Stepmom feels no need to 'babysit' HS students. DS knows he can't be at their home if no adult present, same for our home. DD says DS's schoolmates not like GF. The two NEVER do things with other teens. They sit around watching TV/Movies together. Sometimes bake in the kitchen. Have invited GF for dinner practically DAILY, won't join us so they either don't eat, or will buy fast food (I suspect at DS's expense, and he not have job right now!)
Fueling my 'panic' ... found condom in dumpster at our home. Had 'general' discussion about premarital sex, how girl can claim rape even if it wasn't and DS could be in BIG TIME trouble and labeled sex-offender at THIS age! Have discussed religious beliefs and health issues. How future goals are abruptly changed when girl becomes preg. Still I dont' know if they did or did not or are having premarital sex. Am I overly sensitive? DS going to college in fall. Want to see him date other people, make friends with LOTS of people and not be 'tied' to someone still 'back home' (30 min way) still in HS. Sorry so long. Need advice to support or calm my fears. I just want what is best for both KIDS.

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Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:39am
Sounds like the gf is so enamored with ds that she literally plans every free moment with him, which probably makes him feel secure. At such a young age, they are still figuring out what relationships are all about. For now, they are just in love with each other. How long have they been going out? Why don't the friends like gf? If she really isn't a good match for ds, he will probably figure it out eventually. It's not uncommon for teens to be totally in love with someone and thing they will spend the rest of their lives together... then a few months later they are on to someone else. I think your discussion with son was appropriate. They don't like to hear those things, but they need to. If you didn't say anything, there is a greater chance they could get into a unplanned pregnancy. Keep encouraging ds to continue with things he likes to do. Watch for signs of controlling behavior either way. If gf tries to get ds to not do things he typically would to spend time with her, talk to him about love vs. possessing.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 6:40am

Oh my, I can so sympathize with you.... S and C were just like this in high school... they started dating the end of their junior year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 7:27am
Thanks for the responses. DS has a history of 'one friend at a time'. Is VERY well liked at school, but doesn't do anything with any of the people from school, after school hours. It's almost as if he is thinking,'that's one part of my life, out of school is another.' Has been that way for many years.
Teachers all say he is a great kid, well mannered, good sense of humor, bright, and responsive.
Not sure why school friends don't like the GF.
I'm afraid that gf needs to feel secure, center of attn etc. DS wants to be wanted. Makes a 'good match' in their eyes, but dont' know that they see the reasons as DH and I do. ugh
They have been going out for 3 mos now. IT was off/on a couple times before that, she 'ending it' each of the first 2 times. he never blew out the candle for her.
It's not that I don't want DS to have a relationship and learn how to be a gentleman in one, but it's the physicalness (is there such a word??) that bothers me. Rule in this house is you SIT on a couch, at 17 and 16 you do not SPOON on a couch. ugh I think that's only asking for trouble.
We have discussed appearances with DS that even if they are up to nothing, it would APPEAR differently and that is something you do not want to have happen.
Now I know why some species eat their young... then they don't have to deal with this kind of stuff in the teen years! ha ha Thanks for all the comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:33am

Just continue to keep an eye on them. I would also suggest involving gf in some family activities - this might cut down on their alone time somewhat. The blog thing is fairily typical for teens - they have all these feelings that they don't have a name for, so it must be true, eternal love.

As to the condoms in the dumpster. Is this a shared dumpster? Are you sure they are from your ds? What did he say when you had the conversation with him?

Take a deep breath, selcome the girl into your lives (this will curb any thrills that come with "forbidden love". Looking at someone over the dinner table is far less exotic that mooning on the couch), and don't leave them alone

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:45am

I have extended invitation to dinner (since they were both sitting on the couch anyway!) but have been refused on several nights. Only once did she join us.

I try to not leave them alone, and if they are in basement, just so happpppen to need somethingn from down there periodically ;).

Dumpster is personal. DS did not deny or confirm ownership. Couple days later gave me made up story about how it was put in there... saw right though that one, but didn't call him on it, stuck to generalities of consequences of premarital sex. He knew I knew he was not telling the whole story.

As I said, I don't mind them spending time together. What I do mind is the excessive isolation (only the two of them and no others their age) and the apparent continual, physical contact. ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:03am

I don't know if you are being old fahioned or not . i remember back in HS there were a FEW couples like this - even when they weren't touching each other, it SEEMED like they were....

I think that kids at this age go in and out of *really serious* relationships. at THIS point, i wouldn't worry too much about what's going to happen NEXT year because they may break up tomorrow. you have rules in your home and your rules are clear - curfew, all feet on the floor etc. and honestly - you told him how you feel about the sex - at least you know that if they ARE having sex its safe sex. (I'm sure its no comfort to you....)

the only thing that *I* would change is that i would make DS join you at dinner (if that is a rule in your house) even tho SHE doesn't want to. either make it clear that "we are having dinner now so GF will have to leave" OR "we are having dinner now so GF can either join us or wait in the LR till we finish".

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:34am

the rule in our house growing up was that friends had to go home while we ate, unless they were invited to join us for dinner. That might put a stop to some of this. HE must join you, she is invited to eat with you or asked to leave. It's rude to eat in front of others, that is why friends always had to go home while we ate. Maybe consider something like that.

All the rest of it, I think you've already gotten really good feedback. I think you are old fashion, I like old fashion, I am, too, but I wasn't when I was a teen. Looking back, it must have driven my mother crazy. I had bf's that I was with constantly, snuggling with, having sex with. Really, it must have driven my mom crazy. I'm thankful my ds17 isn't doing what I was doing at that age. and I'm dreading my dd11 being that age...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:28pm
Thanks everyone for your comments. It's easing my mind somewhat :) DS picks up GF and brings her to our home (that I dont' mind because then I KNOW what they are up to and not 'cruising around' town. We live in such a small town, there is no place TO cruise! ha ha)
so having her leave when we are eating dinner wouldn't work, and our kitchen/family room is connected. Besides since they are joined along the entire side of their body I dont' think putting her in one room and him in another for a meal would work ha ha.
I have had to lay down the law on different occasions that she is not permitted in his bedroom. Again, appearance of impropriety, even if he is 'just getting a DVD, MOM!" I dont' care, she doesn't need to be upstairs. She is like a new puppy and follows him everywhere! she'll wait at the bottom of the stairs until he comes back down rather than in the familiy room where they were sitting! UGH! The 'clinging' drives me NUTS! Ok enough of that.
I really want to thank all of you for your comments, recommendations, insights, and experiences. Since I only have 1 teenage son, and he is the oldest, I've never had to face this kind of things before. Neither I nor my 5 siblings were doing these kinds of things when we were younger. So background experience is a bit shaky at best. Thanks for the support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:32pm
I think being together every single day for 5+ hours is a bit much - IMO the 'attached at the hip' relationships in high school aren't healthy.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 5:00pm

At the risk of sounding even more "puritan", we do limit their getting together to twice between Sun and Thurs. but weekends since he is between jobs right now, we have not limited them getting together, unless we have a family function.

Yes I think I am going to reinstitute the 'you dine with your family' rule. We had it when they were kids. Often I'd invite the friend to join us and just pulled up another chair or two. That doesn't bother me.

Funny thing, today I post to this neat board and get all kinds of great comments... he comes home from school, gets dressed up and goes for a job interview. Came home, had dinner... not one mention of the GF! Could I be lucky enough to find out they aren't an 'item' anymore:) hee hee Hope springs eternal. However, if we 'forbid' it then it becomes the forbidden fruit. We'll stick to the rules we've laid out. So far he's been respectful of them and will call if he is running late, or their plans have changed, things like that.

Thanks again for all the wonderful support, comments people have posted. You have no idea how comforted it makes me feel!

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