DS feeling hurt...
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DS feeling hurt...
| Sun, 11-05-2006 - 11:47pm |
My DS has worked very hard to get his A's & B's this term in school, he wants to go to basketball try-outs tomorrow! I am very excited for him- this is the first time he has ever wanted to try out and I have been very supportive of this!! However when he told his dad about try outs this evening my dh seemed supportive at first, then he made a very rude comment that even made me feel bad, he said " so you want to be a dumb jock?", it really hurt my DS and now he does not want to try out!! This makes me so sad and angry!! I tried talking to DS and he will not listen, he says if he tries out then he would just be a dumb jock and that is so not true, but I do not think that I can convience him to try out!! I do not understand why my dh would say this to our son, my parents always supported me and my sister in what ever we wanted to do!! I am not even wanting to talk to my dh right now I am soo mad at him for this, it was not nice and now my son will not offer his talents to his high school!
I am very proud of all of my children and I have always been supportive of everything and when there dad doesn't support them it hurts them and they end up not doing what ever it is they were so excited about doing and it really makes me mad!!
I think maybe this has something to do with the way dh was raised- his parents never supported anything that he did or the things of his brothers and sisters, he had terrible parents and as a result he has low self esteem and therefore he is doing the same to our kids it seems! We have nothing to do with his mother anymore and I thought things would be better but I guess I was wrong!!
I am sitting here replaying the words and he basiclly told his son he was dumb and then got upset with him for getting so upset that tears came to his eyes, and then told his son he was a baby and to get "some balls"!! I just want to scream I am so mad!!
Sorry for the long vent and thanks for "listening"! You have all been helpful in the past so I knew that I could turn here!!
Virginia
I am very proud of all of my children and I have always been supportive of everything and when there dad doesn't support them it hurts them and they end up not doing what ever it is they were so excited about doing and it really makes me mad!!
I think maybe this has something to do with the way dh was raised- his parents never supported anything that he did or the things of his brothers and sisters, he had terrible parents and as a result he has low self esteem and therefore he is doing the same to our kids it seems! We have nothing to do with his mother anymore and I thought things would be better but I guess I was wrong!!
I am sitting here replaying the words and he basiclly told his son he was dumb and then got upset with him for getting so upset that tears came to his eyes, and then told his son he was a baby and to get "some balls"!! I just want to scream I am so mad!!
Sorry for the long vent and thanks for "listening"! You have all been helpful in the past so I knew that I could turn here!!
Virginia

Virginia,
My husband would make me angry when he'd call my sons idiots or demean them in some other way. It IS SO frustrating!
Tell your son that he should not listen to his father when he talks like that. That it does not mean his father does not love him. And tell him that it's okay to cry--we all need to express our feelings, however they come out, as long as we don't harm anyone in doing so.
If he's doing well in his classes and wants to try out for bsktball, let him do it. The exercise and socialization will be good for him. Tell him his father will get over it. And then tell your husband he needs to encourage his children to do all they can do. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to watch him play. You can do that without him.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
If you're going to stay with this guy, it's going to be up to you to break this cycle. I'm assuming this is not an isolated incident, but an ongoing problem. Under normal circumstances I would never suggest conspiring behind the back of another parent, but he is abusive.
You MUST tell your son to be respectful of H at all times, but never allow him the power to crush him down and break his spirit. He got his grades up and was excited to try out for the team until H made his comments. He cannot allow him that kind of power.
You MUST tell DS that every time H puts him down he is really telling DS that he is something that H is not, and it makes him mad. It's really a compliment in a backward, frustrated, uncomplimentary and abusive manner.
Your DS is lucky to have you.
Update this morning; DS is still hurt and will not try out for basketball because he says he does not want his dad at the games and he feels than his dad would continue to say rude things to him! No matter what I said he would not change his mind!
H tried to tell me that he was joking!! That is a terrible way to joke, DS says he says stuff like that all the time and that he is getting sick of it! I don't know what to do anymore! Trying to talk to my H last night was a joke and he tried to turn it on me saying I baby my son and that he a Mamma's Boy, that did not work and so then he said that he would leave and just pay me child support and not be there for his children, wanting me to beg him to stay, which I did not do, he has told me this a lot and I basiclly have no reaction anymore! Last night however I told him that he better never say that to me again unless he is going to follow through and really leave!
Has for DS, I can only hope that he will go for soccer in the spring when it time for that and we won't be telling his dad before hand only after the fact, if even then!! Thanks for your replies and support!
Virginia
//H tried to tell me that he was joking!!//
Ugh! I am adamant with my kids that one NEVER tells a joke that will hurt someone's feelings. NEVER!! My ds (11) is sometimes guilty of this, but he is gradually getting the idea. Your dh should have learned this lesson a long time ago! In the meantime, your ds is lucky to have you!
Hugs,
Amelia
It sounds like your H has some of the old tapes from his childhood ringing in his ears.
YOU are the one who has to speak with your H and bring to his attention the similarities of his upbringing and the comments he made to ds.
I would even suggest counseling for H...he needs to learn when to close his mouth. he needs to learn how to censor himself and reword his comments; he needs to learn how to find at least ONE positive comment for every situation and force himself to say them out loud. It's a matter of retraining and learning to ignore the negativity buzzing around in his head. Counseling can help him achieve that goal.
What a shame. I hope ds follows through with trying out and succeeds. Have you spoken with ds about his father's comments? Explaining to ds about H's upbringing the challenge that it was may help ds to ignore those types of comments and seek our YOUR approval instead of his fathers. Trying and failing is better than never trying at all and he should be commended for that!
I feel really bad for your DS and obviously you do too. Your DH has his own issues, esp. if he won't listen to you and then if you disagree /w him, he threatens to leave the marriage and family! I would suggest that there are deeper things going on here than just your DH's comment about "dumb jocks." Will he agree to go to marriage counselling w/ you? If not, maybe you should go alone and find out how to deal w/ your DH's negative behavior.
As far as "dumb jocks" go, my DD was on the track team until she hurt her knee. She is ranked 35 in a class of over 400 and is in the National Honor Society. A lot of her friends on track are also very smart. Also, when I was in law school at Boston College, three of my classmates had been on the football team at BC. I think it's great when kids play sports in school. Then they spend time doing something positive and have less time for hanging around and getting into trouble. Besides, if your DS is going to college, sports will only help him get in. Colleges are looking for kids who have outside activites, not just studying, even if they have good grades.
This brings to mind a conversation I actually had with my husband YESTERDAY. He'd gone into work yesterday morning and came back home around 11am. My son had had a friend sleep over saturday night and after the boy left he ended up on the couch watching tv. I'd read the paper and was on the computer, basically just enjoying a nice quiet morning. When DH got home he was snapping at my son up one side and down the other. He'd offered to take both of our kids and their friends ice skating. While they did that DH and I walked around and grabbed lunch. He continued to be in a bad mood and on the way home actually snapped at both my son and his friend for really nothing. After we got home and he continued to fume over every nitpicking thing he could come up with I finally snapped. I quietly but firmly told him that if he had a problem with our son that he needed to confront him and talk about it, that I was sick and tired of his being an A** to all of us. I then threw the ol "I thought you wanted a better relationship with him than you have with YOUR dad...do you really want him hating to be around you like you hated to be around your dad?". I then walked away and he went upstairs and vented his frustrations to our son (which were actually valid points). He then came and found me and THANKED ME for doing that! I talked to my son and explained that it's better to get yelled at and to know what's wrong so it can be fixed (chores done that he'd ignored all weekend) instead of getting snipped at for a week. He grumbled but agreed.
By throwing that DAD dig in there, it really seemed to get at DH and springboarded him into what he needed to do instead of letting it fester. Maybe your husband needs to take a good look at the relationship he has with his dad and examine how he's treating your son. It may be too late to fix, but talking about it as a family might help your son understand his dad's faults and lead to forgiveness if your husband actually TRIES to improve on it!
On the other hand, if he's making these threats, next time offer to pack his bags for him! :)
Denise
My DS and I have talked and I hope that my husband can repair his relationship with his son!! I think that h has is jealous of my relationship with our DS and that is why he calls him a Mamma's boy! DS shares a lot of things with me and knows he can come to me with anything!! I love that all my children feel this way!!
Virginia
First of all, I would continue to encourage your DS. He is obviously not dumb - his grades prove it. Also, at DD's old high school, the coach was very insistent on keeping the grades up. If a kid got a C on a mid-term report, the were on the bench until that grade improved. They were not allowed to practice with the team but were sent to the library for tutoring during that time and then if the grade came up, that player had to reearn his spot on the playing team. Sports are definitely not for the academically challenged around here.
Suggest to DS that he try out and see what happens. Trying out doesn't mean that he has to be on the team but that he deserves it to himself to at least give it a try.
I'm sorry I don't know how to suggest you handle DH - good luck!!
Peace,
Susan