DSD ran away
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| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 7:59am |
Last night 17 yo DSD snuck out of the house at 10:00 or so and went to a friend's house for the night because she said she needed to get away from her father. I don't know what precipitated this incident because I was out of the house for a while. The last thing DH said before I left was "how do you block some websites from the computer?" He didn't tell me what kind. When I said I didn't know, he said if he couldn't figure it out, he was taking the computer out of DSD's room. I can't imagine what kind of web sites she is looking at. I wouldn't think she is looking at porn.
Anyway, when he went to say goodnight, she wasn't in her room, then he figured out she wasn't in the house. We started calling people, then she finally answered her cell phone and she said she was at a friend's and she wouldn't tell us which one. DH's brilliant idea was to have me call her and say he was going to get the police and go to all her friends' houses until he found her. I don't know what he would have done, make a big scene and end up getting arrested if she wouldn't come home. Plus, since she had made child abuse complaints against him in the past, which were substantiated, that's all she would have to say--I had to leave because he was abusing me. I suggested that he just leave her there for the night, so now he is mad at me and threatening to move out because I was not "supportive." I don't know how this has become my fault. If one of my kids left the house because of me, I would carefully examine my behavior to see if I had done anything wrong, but to him, it's never his fault. It seems like he has no interest in making their relationship better, it's all about showing her who's the boss.
Meanwhile, she has already asked her grandmother to go live there. Now that her gm knows there are more problems, she could very well go back to court to get guardianship, which she tried to do 2 yrs. ago when DSD ended up spending the summer at her gm's. That year Social Services was also involved and coming to our house for a whole year. I could not deal w/that again.
My DD is so lucky, she just left today on a vacation for a week w/her friend's family. I wish I could get out of the house for a while too. Actually, it would be a big relief to me if DH did just leave because I have been going to therapy trying to decide whether to end it or stay w/ him and then I wouldn't have to think about it, but it would be a lot less stressful not having him and all the family drama around.

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Ummmmm,
You say,
"since she had made child abuse complaints against him in the past, which were substantiated,"
I wouldn't stay one more second. Do you know that they could remove your DD as well? I think that if you had strong feelings that your DH hasn't done anything to cross a line, you would be backing your DH. You only know in your heart if this man is a good father?!
Good luck,
Julie
So...let him leave...life seems to have a way of going on even though we think it would be a disaster.
And let the girl go. She is 17 -- almost an adult. And if she had issues regarding child abuse before for her own health and sanity she needs to leave.
I don't have much in the way of advise for you, But I AM sorry you are going through this.
I don't know if this situation can really be 'fixed' -- not easily or anytime soon. If I am correctly remember some of your past posts, with your ambivalence towards your marriage, this actually may be a good time to throw in the towel once and for all.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
Things seem to have calmed down a little. DH called me and said that his DD wanted to go to her grandma's for a while. I told him that she was probably afraid to come home & face him because of last night. He said that he would agree that she could go from tonight to Friday night but he would drive her & pick her up, but he wants to talk to her first.
Then he told me things that he has been hiding from me. First of all, she may not pass 2 of the major classes this year, science & English. She had been doing ok as far as I know. Of course, I never see her report card since he is embarrassed, esp. when my kids are bringing home all A's. I sympathize w/ him on this. He has told her how important it is to do well in school, she says she wants to go to college, yet she slacks off in school, so who does she think this is going to hurt? He & I already went to college, so not us. She is definitely not dumb. She could be getting at least B's if she applied herself but she isn't motivated.
Plus he said she took money from his car, which he had put in there for gas, then I guess he got to the gas station and there was no money and since only the 2 of them drive the car, he knows it was her. This is after I have found money missing from my wallet, which I assumed was her doing it, but since I had no actual proof, I couldn't accuse her.
This is a very troubled girl. He doesn't want her staying at her grandmother's for the whole summer, but I think that it would be better for them to get some space. He did say that if she fails, he will make her take summer school, so that would mean she would have to stay in town. Otherwise, I think she should go. She will be babysitting for her cousins who live in the same town as her grandmother anyway. It would be more convenient for everyone. Maybe I could work on that.
This is what happened last time (2 yrs ago) that she went to grandma's. Of course, she was always crying to gm about how mean dad was to her and he really didn't handle it well, but she neglected to tell gm about how she was skipping school and failing. Then when they agreed w/ the social worker that DSD should go to gm's for the summer, part of the agreement was that DSD wasn't allowed to bring her cell phone or computer w/ her. The computer really didn't matter since if gm didn't have internet, there was no use having the computer. Since she had charged up a lot of bills on the cell phone, DH didn't trust her having it there. So what do you think happened? She had gm pick her up when DH & I were both at work and she brought her cell phone and computer over there anyway. Actually the social worker called gm and said that was the deal and she got gm to take the things away.
The big problem is that DH and gm can't stand each other so they don't even talk. This is not good for this girl's welfare. Even last night, he had me call up gm (who I don't even know) to ask if DSD was at her house. He couldn't even call to make a simple phone call, so I don't know how they would ever act together to do what is best for their DD/GD. It would be good if they could put aside their differences to help her out.
Im so sorry
It has seemed to me from your posts over time that having two very different girls so close in age has been a strain on your marriage. Parenting styles are different and you seem to parent separately, if that choice of words makes sense. Im not in your position so I dont know how normal that is.
My DH is clueless about cell plans. He has one from work and all he knows is how to work it. The options, the different types of phones and plans have all come under my management. I cant imagine how it would be if I handled DS2 and he handled DS3, KWIM? To me that alone is a recipe for disaster!!! DH is so frugal and out of touch, he would ban texting and I would be looking for the plan that allowed what I knew was a teen trend. I think a lot of men my Dhs age are clueless on teen life.
GMs might be the best place for her right now-away from the conflict. I worry about the money from wallets thing and think she might need to be warned about that but the rest seems to be teenage stuff that many have to cope with and GM is just as well equipped as the next person
The sad thing is that GM really doesn't want her there. I don't really blame her. She has been having health problems and if it's hard enough for us in middle age to deal w/ teenagers, it's harder for an older person.
I had to laugh when you said that men are clueless when it comes to teens. I even remember my dad always saying that my skirts were too short and my mom would just say "that's the style." DH & I have very diff. styles of parenting--I feel that when kids are getting older, a big part of parenting is explaining why you don't want them to do certain things so they will be able to have some kind of understanding when they are on their own because when they are away at college, they won't be supervised every minute. He is more of the authority type--you do this because I said so. ON the other hand, sometimes I think that it's easier to pull the wool over his eyes. He just discovered that DSD has been talking on the phone late at night. Well, since this has been an ongoing problem, you would think that he might have checked the phone bill before this or asked me to check it and he would have known it has been going on all year. Sometimes she is on the phone for hours until 3:00 a.m. on a school night. No wonder she isn't doing well in school. Plus for a while there, he was checking in w/ the teachers to make sure the hw was done. I guess he stopped doing that and was just taking her word for it that everything was ok in school. If it was me, I would have been more in touch w/ the teachers so that this wouldn't be happening.
Sometimes kids need diff. things too. I have never had a problem w/ my DD not doing her hw. She is just self-motivated to do well. She has always gotten As and has voluntarily taken the hardest classes to push herself. I didn't make her do it. She has always been pretty competitive since she was a child. So for me, I just can't understand why DSD doesn't care about what grades she is getting, since she says she wants to go to college & be a teacher. It seems pretty simple to me that someone would understand that if you are failing school, y ou aren't going to get into any college at all, never mind a good one of your choice.
It's not my DD, it's my DSD. 2 yrs. ago DSD told her gm that she was being physically abused (hit) by her dad. GM called social services and the social worker agreed that it happened (once, but once is too much). The thing is that since then, after having to go through a year of social workers coming to the house and court proceedings, etc.) I think he is aware enough not to hit her but what he doesn't get is that words can be even more damaging than physical abuse.
If he ever laid a hand on one of my kids, he would be out the door so fast his head would be spinning and I would file criminal charges on top of it. There is no way I would put up w/ that.
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