DSD ran away
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| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 7:59am |
Last night 17 yo DSD snuck out of the house at 10:00 or so and went to a friend's house for the night because she said she needed to get away from her father. I don't know what precipitated this incident because I was out of the house for a while. The last thing DH said before I left was "how do you block some websites from the computer?" He didn't tell me what kind. When I said I didn't know, he said if he couldn't figure it out, he was taking the computer out of DSD's room. I can't imagine what kind of web sites she is looking at. I wouldn't think she is looking at porn.
Anyway, when he went to say goodnight, she wasn't in her room, then he figured out she wasn't in the house. We started calling people, then she finally answered her cell phone and she said she was at a friend's and she wouldn't tell us which one. DH's brilliant idea was to have me call her and say he was going to get the police and go to all her friends' houses until he found her. I don't know what he would have done, make a big scene and end up getting arrested if she wouldn't come home. Plus, since she had made child abuse complaints against him in the past, which were substantiated, that's all she would have to say--I had to leave because he was abusing me. I suggested that he just leave her there for the night, so now he is mad at me and threatening to move out because I was not "supportive." I don't know how this has become my fault. If one of my kids left the house because of me, I would carefully examine my behavior to see if I had done anything wrong, but to him, it's never his fault. It seems like he has no interest in making their relationship better, it's all about showing her who's the boss.
Meanwhile, she has already asked her grandmother to go live there. Now that her gm knows there are more problems, she could very well go back to court to get guardianship, which she tried to do 2 yrs. ago when DSD ended up spending the summer at her gm's. That year Social Services was also involved and coming to our house for a whole year. I could not deal w/that again.
My DD is so lucky, she just left today on a vacation for a week w/her friend's family. I wish I could get out of the house for a while too. Actually, it would be a big relief to me if DH did just leave because I have been going to therapy trying to decide whether to end it or stay w/ him and then I wouldn't have to think about it, but it would be a lot less stressful not having him and all the family drama around.

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"I am very concered that you ignored the person's post about your own daughter. If he abuses (or ever does again) his daughter, then the state will take YOUR daughter out of the home as well."
I have to agree with this poster. You did not say anything to my post, but did answer everyone else. It looked like you maybe over-reacted with your original post, because you were very quick this morning to change your tune. I do understand that being upset with a DH can cause you to say things that you don't mean, but I would suggest you take a LONG look at your origianl post. To an outside reader, this is strange, that everything is hunky dory with your DH now.
Just my opinion, and I really don't mean to sound harsh.
Julie
The state will not take my children out of the home if they aren't in danger. Since I am a family law atty. I am pretty familiar w/ the Dept. of Social Services. WE already went through a year of being investigated by DSS and there was never any allegaton that my kids were being abused and the social workers never threatened to remove them from the home. Believe me, if the s.w. had implied that they were considering this, I would have booted him out very fast. I know from other cases that if only one parent is considered the abuser and he is out of the house, they won't take the kids from the other parent.
Thanks for your concern though. I am concerned about the enviorment in which my kids are being raised. I have started therapy because of all the stress caused by my DH and I did say to my therapist that I feel like I really made a bad mistake by marrying him because of the stress it has brought on my kids. We are dealing w/ those issues. I am dealing w/ his DD right now because she's the one who is having the current problem.
I don't mean to say that everything is AOK w/ DH now as if this incident never happened. However, he has now calmed down and is beginning to think more rationally instead of acting out of anger which he was doing last night. He's not saying like he did last night "I'm going to cancel all my dr's appts for Thurs and look for a place to live." He went from there to saying that his DD could visit her grandma from today until Fri night in order to give them both a chance to calm down.
Of course, I didn't understand what was going on either until I talked to him later this am because he had never told me that he was concerned about her failing school and taking money from his car. Since he had omitted that crucial info, I was wondering if he was lecturing her again about overusing the text messages, which is the only thing I knew about and which he had already talked to her about Fri. night. He had also said that he was hurt that she hadn't bought him anything for Father's Day, not even a card, so to me, not knowing about the other stuff, I thought he was being childish and taking it out on her cause he didn't get a card.
I'm not saying everything is great, but at least I can deal w/ him as a rational person now and we can discuss what is the best thing to do about his DD. I think he needs to talk to his therapist about it because I don't really have a clue about what to do w/ this girl. I haven't been in a situation w/ my kids where they just refused to do their school work, so I don't know how to motivate her.
You've mentioned a couple of times how your DH parents from a standpoint of power and control - "you do it coz I said so and I'm the dad, so you'd better."
DH is of the 'do this because I say so' mentality but I have always been there coparenting to buffer it. He really does care but it's how he was raised and he knows nothing else. I feel we have made it work but it often takes some calm down time before he comes around and listens to me.
So, I definitely know what you mean
I also find DH doesnt follow through-like you said about the phone bill with yours. They have said it-loudly-and they 'assume' it's done so there is no reason to follow up.
It makes no sense, I know.
Except that DH remembers the fear his dad instilled in him and assumes our kids have it too. But they dont because, thankfully, they werent raised that way.
So they just ignore him ;)
It might be time for your DH to go to some counselling himself. Would he be willing to go to it with you, for yours and his DDs? It's never to late to learn. It doesn't have to be a long term thing, just different ideas from someone who's not family on how to handle things. It's a wonder he never had to go to court mandated counselling if he hit his DSD. (DH and I had a rocky spell about 3 years ago and it was entirely brought on by the harrassment I was receiving from his ex. That coupled with him getting smashed drunk landed us with social worker visits, etc. He had to go to anger management classes. He's generally a sweet guy and it was totally out of character for him, but s**t happens and we all make mistakes.) And, he does need to learn how to deal with being a Dad with a young adult able to make all of their own decisions. It would be very sad for him to get so frustrated that he'd wash his hands of her and cut off all contact, or for her to do the same to him. Eventually this child will have a SO and children, and then how will he treat them? He won't be able to tell them do "it" because I said so and I'm the grandpa, that won't work. Time for that old dog to learn some new tricks.
Best wishes!
Sallie
In a way, my DH is very inconsistent in his parenting. I have always been more involved in my kids' school/activities, went to every parent-teacher conf., even though it was hardly necessary since both of them were A students. If ever one of them was in danger of failing, I would certainly be more involved w/ the teachers & school to make sure homework was being done, etc. DH has never gone to one parent-teacher conf., mainly because his DD would conveniently "forget" to bring home the notice or sign him up. But knowing this, he could have contacted the school directly, looked on their website or arranged another time for a conf. So he gave her the responsibility and freedom to take care of her own schoolwork and she blew it and this is an important area. But she has an after school job in an elem. school taking care of kids and she does well at that job.
On the other hand, when my DD first got her license, I was nervous about letting her drive alone, so it was always a limited time and to a certain activity, like going to a basketball game at school where I was pretty sure about the time they would be out and if they went out to eat after, she would call me from the restaurant. On the other hand, DH will let his DD have the car for a whole day, not knowing where she is going and then when he sees that she has put over 100 miles on the car in one day, she is pretty vague about where she has been. Our town isn't that big. She could go to every friend's house in maybe 20 miles. The night she damaged the car and "didn't know" how it happened, it was raining very heavily and he still let her take the car at night. She could easily have hit a pothole which was not visible because of a big puddle, which is what I think happened. So to me, it's wierd that he will give her freedom in some areas but then he will manage things like what time she has to go to bed. After about 10th grade, I figured if my DD wants to stay up late, she's the one who's going to be tired in the a.m., not me and as long as she didn't miss the bus, it didn't affect me. Plus she was doing well in school.
I also think a lot of what DSD does is passive-agressive behavior. She doesn't feel it's safe to speak her mind so to get back at her dad, she will do stuff to annoy him or where she feels like she's putting something over on him, like being on the phone late at night. I think that generally his rules aren't really overbearing. She's allowed to go out w/ her friends on a regular basis and he was basically allowing her to use the car all weekend. I do worry that she won't be able to make good decisions when she's on her own.
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