DSD won't come home
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| Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:14am |
As I posted before, DSD snuck out of the house to go to her friend's house late Sat. night after an argument w/ her DF. She is still there. She asked to go live w/ her grandmother, but her GM said no. She told GM that she is never coming home.
You would think by this point that maybe the parents of the friend might have called to talk to DH about this. I don't know if they expect DSD to live there for the rest of the summer or what. Since she is still a minor, they really have no right to keep her w/o DH's permission, but there is no reason to get them in trouble, since the problem is really between DH & DSD. AT least she is at someone's house and not hanging on a street corner somewhere.
She has been babysitting for her aunt this summer, but this week her aunt was on vacation from work. Her aunt would like to know if she's planning to come back to work next week. She still has this week & next for summer school. She had been borrowing DH's car, dropping him off at work & picking him up. The aunt's house is not very close by--about 30-40 mins. away. Now DH is saying that next week, he will let her take the car to school to finish up summer school, then she will have to pick him up at work and he will drive her to her aunt's. This will mean that he will have to punch out of work and basically take his lunch hour at 10:00 a.m. His work is on the way, but it will still take him at least 45 mins. on this back & forth trip, then if he goes to pick her up every night after he gets out at 6:00, that will be more of a pain. Believe me, if I had to do that, I would just tell her she couldn't work. It wouldn't be worth it. But he is afraid she will steal the car or go somewhere.
so now he doesn't know what to do. He can't just go over to their house and insist that she will come home as if she was 5. I'm afraid they will call the police and say he is threatening her or something like that. He hasn't spoken to her directly since she left. The only thing I can think of, and this is a last resort, is to file a petition w/ the court for "child in need of services" which you can do for kids who don't obey their parents. At least they will order counselling (which DH will agree to anyway) and if she won't go home, they could put her in a foster home. I'm sure she wouldn't like that, but I think the friend she is staying w/ is actually a bad influence on her. A lot of this behavior has started since she has been hanging w/ this friend.

Isn't your DSD 17?
I went through some of what you are going through. In Texas, I couldn't make DS-18 (17 at the time) come home. I would have to file 3 missing persons reports and then they would arrest him and he'd stay in a juvenile correction facility. Not what I wanted anyway, but the kicker was, since I knew where he was, I couldn't legally file a missing persons report.
For the time being, if it were me, I wouldn't try to get her put in foster care. (here, CPS won't do anything after the child turns 17 anyway).
My son knew the laws before I did, so when I insisted he come home, man, was I in for a surprise.
When does your DSD turn 18?
zz
if she's left home, let her find her own way around. don't disrupt your lives to help her get through the classes. or get her to her job. she wants responsibility, let her figure it out. what will happen if she flunks the classes? she'll have a heavy load this fall. who's that hurting, her, let her feel the consequences. if she still fails, she might not graduate, again, not hurting any one but her. let her learn her lesson: sometimes you've got to get along with your parents (even when you don't like them) if you want them to continue to help you.
is there nothing else you can do legally? don't remember what type of law you practice, but have you consulted a family practice attorney you trust? someone who might have some other ideas. would it even be possible to let her cut loose, if that's what she pushes for? find out what your real legal options are where you live. do some thinking as parents and then have a discussion with her.
hugs
sallie
I can't help....my DS's friend (almost 17) slept over a friends house, so he said, but really he went down the shore overnight to a hotel with that friend (4-5 people co-ed). He had lied about where he was. He had such a great time (sex, I think) that he wanted to go back. So, he took his mom up on the "if you don't like it here, leave" and he "ran away". We think he went back down the shore with the boy (who is 18) and came home 2 nights later.
My son decided to try the "sleep over" trick so he could stay out all night last night. We caught on, but he didn't come home until 3 am after ignoring tons of cell calls. He loses car and phone privileges for the moment.
The thing is, I thought he was under control, following our requests of when to come home, answering the phone when we bugged to see where he was. SUddenly last night, boom! I was proven wrong. I think his friend was a bad influence. I thought I was all good and smart and giving advice to the "run away" boy's mother abd saying how good my son had been (except that he is out a LOT and I don't rally know where), and I had my socks knocked off. I was more upset than I 've been in a long time. Wondering how to punish, yet knowing at this age if the punishment is too severe, they might just take off. Dad is still so ANGRY, I am more upset and disappointed. Hah, we go on vacation in 2 days. WOn't that be fun...since we can't trust our 17 year old and will have to make him stay with us a lot (yes punished on vacation...) Punishments are hard on parents too.
Anyhow, as you can see, I have no advice, because I am not doing such a great job myself. How do we teach them, at this age, to respect us? It seemed like, give them an inch and they take a mile...When did we lose the respect anyhow...Why do they think they are so invincible? (I worry about mine and sex). HOw do we punish them so that it makes the point, but doesn't "ruin" their life (in their eyes)? They do need to work, so now I have to drive him..He has no phone to call me for pick up.
I would, however, make sure she is not with a bad influnece. I do believe that my son has gone downhill since hanging with this boy. I think this boy had a lot more sex, at a younger age than my son....No guy wants to be the only virgin....Maybe grandmom (am I evenon the right post?!) will take her for a specified time while this is worked out. Promise her, even write it down, that she will stay for one week. My friend didn't know how to make her "run away" come home either....
Good luck!
What message does NOT attempting to get her home send?
No one cares? No one even noticed? They are glad I am gone?
I would do something-call or visit the house-just to let her know she is cared for and wanted
It has nothing to do with what might or might not work. Someday she is going to be 25 and past all this and I DO think the fact someone cared enough to try will matter in the relationship between her and her dad and you!
DSD did come home on Fri. night. I was shocked to get a phone call at 4:00 from her asking if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I have no idea why she decided to come home then, whether the friend was sick of her, because she is going to work this week or what. Of course, since we didn't know she was going home, DH & I had bought movie tickets on line because he really wanted to see a movie that started at 7:00 and he doesn't get out of work until 6:00.
When we are leaving, he is saying "I am very nervous about leaving her home alone." Since he took the car keys, I don't know what he was nervous about, but nothing happened. So on Sat., he worked and didn't let her have the car, so she basically just stayed in her room all day. I wasn't about to sit home on my last free day before my kids came home on vacation, since my friend invited me to swim in her pool and since DSD doesn't want anything to do w/ me anyway. I guess they had a talk but DH didn't tell me about it and right now, I'm sick of the whole thing. Yesterday we were all home. She is back at summer school (the last week) and work this week.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that maybe things will be calm for a while. I can't imagine living with that much controversy non-stop. It's a shame, though, that DH isn't sharing and open with you about what they talked about. Huge {{{{{hugs}}}}} for things to stay status quo for a while.
Lisa