DSD's 16 yo friend is "engaged"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
DSD's 16 yo friend is "engaged"
6
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 3:27pm

My DSD is a junior in h.s. She just came home the other day to say one of her close friends is "engaged" although this girl won't tell her parents since they would obviously freak out. This girl is either 16 or 17. Her BF is 20, works at K-Mart (probably part-time), still lives at home w/ parents and doesn't have a driver's license yet, never mind aa car. Certainly a good prospect for the future, don't you think?

Our local paper just had some pics from the jr. prom and this couple was in it. The boy has hair that hangs down one side of his face. He reminded me of Marilyn Manson w/o the makeup and I guess he dresses like a goth. Not that I am judging him badly because of his looks. He could be a nice person no matter how he dresses. DSD doesn't like him and says he is "ugly" although he didn't look that bad in the paper.

Luckily for us, DSD thinks this is idiotic and wouldn't even speak to her friend for a while after she told her the news. Supposedly the friend won't have sex til marriage, so I hope this isn't some plan to say now that we're engaged, why wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:51am
What a weird story - I agree with your "fear" that the engagement is a ploy to have sex. I'm always suspicious of why a 20yo man would be interested in a 16yo girl. He may be a nice guy and all, but anything that serious that you can't tell your parents is NOT good news.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 12:37pm

How stupid. I remember so many girls I went to HS with that got engaged in their senior year and then married the week after graduation!

However, we shouldn't judge a book by its cover or assume things based on appearances. DD17 has a friend who is going steady with this kid. When he came to my house I was thinking, "MY Gawd!" Turns our he is anti drugs/alcohol and is saving himself for marriage. He's got a solid PT job and has aspirations just like everyone else. He looks scrubby, but inside he's a decent kid. I felt so bad thinking those thoughts about him...based on his long greasy looking hair and his solitude (he was very quiet).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:13pm
I have to agree about not judging a book by it's cover - or even based on the first few chapters. DD's b/f not only LOOKS like trouble, he went thru a phase before he moved to town when he WAS trouble. He still looks like a real roughneck, but he's writing a new chapter in his life - no longer does drugs, drinks, or cuts school. He's been working on this "new T" for the past 6 months - since DD told him he has a choice, he can either be with her and be a straight arrow, or he can continue his troubled ways, but it won't be with her at his side. I firmly believe that troubled teens can change if they really want to, and have the kind of support they need to do so, and I've told T that. His mom is thrilled with this new chapter in his life, that's for sure.
Rose
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Registered: 08-17-2005
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 2:26am

If any of my children came home to me right now and told me they were engaged I would tell them without hesitation that they don't have my blessing and I wouldn't pay for the marriage. I am very against marrying young, I don't see the reason of having to get married right after graduation instead of waiting until both people are prepared. I try not to judge the young married couples, but its hard not to when they are 18, married, barely have a steady income, and still live with the parents. Also, im not into large age differences especially in high school. The people are at such different stages of their lives, and its a little creepy.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 8:04am

I find big age differences in high school creepy too. I've always told my kids, no more than 2 years difference until they get out of high school. My DS Z is currently dating a 17 y/o hs Jr... he's 19 and graduated in 06. Even though this relationship falls in the "no more than 2 yr age difference" category, it still kind of bothers me - they're in such different places in life. She's still doing the high school thing, he's done all the army things, in the army reserves and working long hours in construction while he's waiting to get into the active army... and it just seems like they're in different worlds. It's only been this way for the past 9 months or so - they've dated off and on since he was a junior and she was a freshman.

Young marriages aren't a great idea in my book either, especially when the couple is still living with the parents and not really making it in the adult world. And so many of these couples end up outgrowing each other when they hit their mid to late 20s... it's happening right now to our neighbors. They're 29 and 26, have been together since she was 14 and married since she was 17, and now there's more than enough heartache to go around. Best to grow up first, then get married.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 4:05pm

Well...as all we experienced adults know there is a WORLD of difference between engaged and married. Except that being engaged may help a young girl justify to herself that she is okay to sleep with someone. Or it may be something totally innocent. On the internet these days I've seen teens who've been dating a long time call themselves "married". They aren't really married but they call themselves that. Its stupid but what are you gonna do eh?

Marriage is a risky proposition at the best of times. Even mature couples who have dated the appropriate length of time, have everything working in their favour and all the support in the world end up marrying only to divorce. Happens to the best of us. So of course we know that anyone marrying at so young an age is just increasing their risk of an early divorce to go with that early marriage.

Be thankful your daughter is sensible enough to know how ridiculous the whole thing is.