DS's newly 13 -- not sure I'll survive
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DS's newly 13 -- not sure I'll survive
| Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:56am |
DS is young but seems to have an abundance of adolescence attitude. There's just me and him so I feel it more personally, perhaps.
He has gotten where anything I ask seems to piss him off. Example, he said he had to write a paper for a class. I asked what he had to write it on and he got mad. He got mad and snottily told me (in several ways) that he shouldn't have to tell me everything and that it was HIS homework not mine. This type of thing happens for all kinds of things, even innocuous ones. Sometimes I insist he tell me anyway, which makes him madder. Sometimes he just starts out mad. Another time he was chatting to me about a friend and who the friend liked at school. It was quite a personal conversation, so I asked if he (DS) liked anyone. Disaster! He was immediately mad and going on about how his life was private. Tonight, he brought me a song he said he had written (a new vocation of his). He sang the song and asked how I liked it. I didn't much. It was quite hateful, telling someone to pack their bags and get out of his life in very blunt terms. He said I was the inspiration, because I made him so mad. He sad the song was about me. ::sigh:: Then he asks why I sound "down."
He does this as I'm online investigating why his pay as you go phone, which was just loaded with $25 two weeks ago, is down to only $7. He insisted he hadn't made any phone calls. I looked it up online and discovered he had a lot of little phone calls and a couple of lengthy calls late at night to a girl at school. I was unhappy because I felt he lied about making no calls. Then he said he just "forget", except some of these calls were from earlier today.
I was also unhappy because the phone had been bought solely so he could call me if he was away and needed me (from school, library, friends, etc.) He knew this. And he knows we are on a tight budget so it is a luxury and he's lucky to have it at all.
Well, he blows up again when I point to the screen and show him all the calls. He starts rambling in rude ways (well, YOU have a phone and can call whoever you want!) He was furious because he says I make him a pariah with his friends by limiting his access to places and things and media. I told him he could make all the personal calls he wanted if he wanted to mow yards to pay for them, but that I wasn't paying for that.... long drawn out arguement ensued. Him shouting how his friends make fun of him for being "inside a glass ball" (of my creation, apparently) and how I'm so mean and blah blah blah. THen the silent treatment.
We live on a budget, but he gets plenty. He takes fencing (his request), I take him and chums on outings (rock climbing most recently), and we manage a few vacations now and then too. We had just gotten back from a school sponsored roller skating party.
He definately has limits on technology use, internet, etc, but is in no way totally deprived.
I told him if his friends made fun of him for things like that, then they weren't very good friends.
My son just pretty much said he hates me (ie, the song) and he's only at the beginning of 13. How will I survive the next 5 years?????
K
He has gotten where anything I ask seems to piss him off. Example, he said he had to write a paper for a class. I asked what he had to write it on and he got mad. He got mad and snottily told me (in several ways) that he shouldn't have to tell me everything and that it was HIS homework not mine. This type of thing happens for all kinds of things, even innocuous ones. Sometimes I insist he tell me anyway, which makes him madder. Sometimes he just starts out mad. Another time he was chatting to me about a friend and who the friend liked at school. It was quite a personal conversation, so I asked if he (DS) liked anyone. Disaster! He was immediately mad and going on about how his life was private. Tonight, he brought me a song he said he had written (a new vocation of his). He sang the song and asked how I liked it. I didn't much. It was quite hateful, telling someone to pack their bags and get out of his life in very blunt terms. He said I was the inspiration, because I made him so mad. He sad the song was about me. ::sigh:: Then he asks why I sound "down."
He does this as I'm online investigating why his pay as you go phone, which was just loaded with $25 two weeks ago, is down to only $7. He insisted he hadn't made any phone calls. I looked it up online and discovered he had a lot of little phone calls and a couple of lengthy calls late at night to a girl at school. I was unhappy because I felt he lied about making no calls. Then he said he just "forget", except some of these calls were from earlier today.
I was also unhappy because the phone had been bought solely so he could call me if he was away and needed me (from school, library, friends, etc.) He knew this. And he knows we are on a tight budget so it is a luxury and he's lucky to have it at all.
Well, he blows up again when I point to the screen and show him all the calls. He starts rambling in rude ways (well, YOU have a phone and can call whoever you want!) He was furious because he says I make him a pariah with his friends by limiting his access to places and things and media. I told him he could make all the personal calls he wanted if he wanted to mow yards to pay for them, but that I wasn't paying for that.... long drawn out arguement ensued. Him shouting how his friends make fun of him for being "inside a glass ball" (of my creation, apparently) and how I'm so mean and blah blah blah. THen the silent treatment.
We live on a budget, but he gets plenty. He takes fencing (his request), I take him and chums on outings (rock climbing most recently), and we manage a few vacations now and then too. We had just gotten back from a school sponsored roller skating party.
He definately has limits on technology use, internet, etc, but is in no way totally deprived.
I told him if his friends made fun of him for things like that, then they weren't very good friends.
My son just pretty much said he hates me (ie, the song) and he's only at the beginning of 13. How will I survive the next 5 years?????
K

{{{Karen}}}} Don't limit yourself to just 5 years if your DS just turned 13 - they can have this attitude off and on til they're in their early 20s! But I'll tell you, it DOES get better, I promise! Might get worse for awhile first, but it WILL get better. I know it's hard, but try not to take what your DS says too personally, he's trying to spread his wings, which is his job at 13, and he doesn't want any limits (which despite what he says, he needs, and is YOUR job as the parent of a 13 y/o). He doesn't really hate you, no matter what he says, likely he's unhappy with himself right now, trying to find his way in a social structure at school that is totally in uproar, trying to figure out what his newly surging horomones mean, and trying to figure out how to survive in the world that is teenager-hood these days. A lot of kids stop sharing all of their life with their parents during this time, and having "private time" isn't a bad thing... unless it becomes sneeky and secretive.
I think the only way I made it thru this phase (4 times!!) is by keeping my eyes and ears open, my mouth shut, and picking my battles. If he feels like you're trying to get into too much of his life (too many questions) he's likely to clam up more. I've often been guilty of talking too much with my kids - which only shut them down. Making non-committal validating comments tends to open them up - "I'm sorry you feel that way." "That sounds really hard." "It sounds like you have a lot of homework to do." usually yielded more information than asking direct questions. I'd forgotten about this book, haven't read it in a long time, but it's come to my mind this week for other reasons... it's called "how to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk." The author has some pretty good strategies for carrying on a conversation with your kids that doesn't turn every conversation into a battle.
Hang in there, you WILL survive, just take it one day at a time.
Rose ~ mom of 4 - 22, 22, 19 and 15
For me, the biggest success as a parent is not letting myself be drawn into all these little power struggles. If he doesn't want to tell you about HW, then fine. I only follow up on homework if my DD is struggling or grades suffer. I prefer that she tell me "it's my life" in a nicer tone of voice, but I try not to confront her on every little edgy tone of voice. KWIM? They're teenagers, they're going to act like teenagers. But we're adults, we don't have to sink to their level.
Also, get used to "all my friends" and "you're the meanest mom". It's going to go on for a while. One day, when she was 13, my DD was invited to a boy's house for a party and said "everyone" is going. So I said "fine. If A and S are going, we can talk about it" A and S are Leah's friends with the most conservative parents, so .... I won that one! I tease my DD that being "mean" is part of the mom job description.
Hang in there! It's a bumpy ride, but it's worth it!!
Sue
My DS is almost 14, but exhibits many of the same tendencies. Lots of attitude, lots of demands, criticism, and emotion. I'm not enjoying the teen years so far, at all.
I haven't had a song written about me that I know of!! The fact that he puts it in front of you, shows he's trying to get a reaction from you. That's got to be frustrating! The calm and collected Mom inside of you wants to show little or no emotion. However, reality kicks in and you find it hard not to react, right? That's where I find myself all time. If I could just not let it get under my skin, but it always does. So, I keep trying to tell myself to learn how to react less. So far, I'm not doing too well, but I'll keep trying! I hope knowing other people experience the same things helps you feel better.
On the bright side, last weekend my son drove home with me from an out of town visit. I listened to his music and he talked to me about what he liked. Luckily, I like a lot of what he listens to. He asked me to help him figure out lyrics, etc. It was a nice 90 minutes and reminds me that we can still connect on some levels. It sounds like you do with your DS too. Rock climbing sounds pretty cool! Taking him to do these things shows you respect his interests.
Instead of asking daily, I try to have a short sit down on Sundays to go over what's coming up during the week. He doesn't always appreciate the intrusion, but it's also when he gets his allowance and I sign his assignment book and papers for school. So, he's somewhat inclined to cooperate. Seems to work out OK.
I am curious about something and I hope you don't mind if I ask your opinion. I wonder in my situation if I do too much for my kids. Although I try to encourage them to do things for themselves, I think I still do too much for them. I wonder if that's part of the problem too -- like they dump on us because they've come to expect so much from us. Do you feel this way? Does DS do much to help you around the house? Mine mows the lawn in the summer, he helps set the table or put dishes in the dishwasher after meals. But that's about it. I'm not too structured with the chores and I wonder if this is where I went wrong. Is your experience similar? Just wondering if there's a connection between the two things.
Thanks for listening to me. I have written a lot here!
HANG IN THERE and YOU MAY NOW OFFICIALLY JOIN THE "I am the parent of a teenager" CLUB.
As a mom of 2 children, you will survive. FIRST ADVICE: Do not take it personally. Teens are hormonal and unfortunately you will be a bull's eye target for those surges. SECOND ADVICE: Pick your battles, they are not all worth it..trust me. Trial, error and pure exhaustion will reveal that to you over time. THIRD ADVICE: Set limits & require (and give) respect . If you have problems with cell phone use, stick to your guidelines. If he abuses the limits you set explain the consequences. Respect his need for privacy...it will increase, as long as it does not progress towards secrecy and sneaky behavior. FOURTH ADVICE: Probably should have been first, keep a sense of humor, I have found a majority of the things that dare to cross the lips of my children are merely said to gage my reaction.
Beyond all those words of wisdom I just provided, hang on you will survive. Cyber Hugs to you and we are all in your same boat searching for the oars to paddle to shore.
Anna mom to (2): DS 23yo & DD 16yo
You'll survive it. It just feels like forever.
One thing to consider with the phone is to set some ground rules and accountablity. Figure what each minute of a call is costing you. Then figure out how many minutes were not approved of phone calls (meaning not an emergancy or can you pick me up from basketball practice type of things). Then explain to him that he will be responsible for paying you for any non-approved phone calls. I set this ground rule up right off the bat with my ds (also 13). He's has his phone for two years now and he hasn't made ANY non- approved of calls. It's not a guarentee, but it worked for us.
stacy
Thanks for all the feedback. All the changes I see in him are hard. They seem so sudden, it's hard to adjust. (Warning, more rambling ahead)
Some of your ideas I had already implemented, like telling him if he wants more cell phone time he has to pay for it. He said no, so I guess it wasn't that important. Curiously, in a conversation yesterday I realized that NONE of his closest 3 friends have cell phones. When I pointed that out, he got irritated. So I was thinking to myself -- who are the people telling him he lives in a glass bubble if his chums have a lot of the same limits he does?
Then I realized who he seems to be talking to a LOT lately... yup, the "cool" girls at school. Who are all way too gifted (and I don't necessarily mean intellectually), seem to be a bit too "mature", and sometimes appear a bit undersupervised from my distant, straight-laced POV.
This is also the area where he has gotten the most pissy about privacy. He used to talk about everything. Discussions about school, homework, friends, and who-liked-who has been passing conversation since 4rd grade. Now, while he may tell me who his chums like, he clams up if I ask anything vaguely personal. But I know things have changed because Mr. Penny-pincher spent money buying candy for Valentines day, though he refused to say who it was for. And he had to get to school early today... "Why," I queried, think it was because of a planned fieldtrip. "You don't need to know why, Mom" was the terse reply.
This "I need my privacy thing" is starting to get on my nerves. It also seems to be prompting an increase in low level fibbing, which I've not yet mentioned. I told DS last night that while I certainly don't need to know every detail of his life, involved parents do know who their kids hang with, are friends with, and are dating. I added that some level of conversation about one's life is just normal conversation and pointed out that I know his friends discuss this stuff with their parents. Response: irritation and silence.
That's such a VERY HUGE CHANGE from who he was just a few weeks ago. The only thing I know that's different (besides hormones) is that he is no longer good friends with his "best" friend (and he has avoided saying why), has moved on to befriend two guys that he used to not like much (they aren't bad kids, but do have language and some behavior issues.) AND he is much much MUCH more involved at school with these "cool" girls. The ones I think tend towards the trashy and overly "mature" side.
Suddenly he tells more fibs, is more moody, is over the top about privacy, is more irritable. Ugh. Should I worry?
As for the comments from some of you to pick my battles -- HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH BATTLES TO PICK!!!
On the chuckly side... I asked him why he hadn't said he wanted valentine's stuff when we were at the store last week. He said it was because he was now "independent." I replied, "Well, since you are independent now, then I guess you are ready to walk to school and make your own lunch." (We live less than a mile from the school.) Suddenly, he wasn't so independent anymore!