On the edge of 13
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| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:39pm |
Hello. I am new to this board. My stepdaughter will be 13 in about 2 weeks. I have been married to her dad for about 2 years and involved with her since she was 10. This schoolyear, after a very rash decision on her mother's part (who lives 9 hours away) she is living with my husband and I. We have an ok relationship. I mean, we went through the normal "you can't tell me because you are not my mom" battles, but those have all but gone away due to the fact that her mom made it clear that when she lives with her dad, I am to be respected as the mom of the house. She has done this pretty much dragging her feet. I know that these types of problems are more for the stepparent site so I will move on to the behavior that I see as normal but not sure how to deal with.
Over the past few months, DD has voiced how she felt she should have more freedom to do as she pleased since she will be a teenager. Her mom and dad (and me) all agree that dating is not even an option until she is much older and she has not fought us on this... yet which is where I am afraid her bad behavior will lead. She will not be allowed to go places by herself, without parental supervision, for quite some time as well, although some of her friends go to the mall by themselves already.
She is an only child (although her mom has a 5 year old son) in our home, but I am expecting in October. She was very excited about having a baby in the home, until the teenaged hormones kicked in. She has never been the type of kid who was polite in the family, only when she is around strangers. I blame this completely on her dad who raised her for many years by himself but never made her say please and thank you and I am sorry. Now we are trying to get her to act like a young lady and not a self centered child, especially since she wants to be treated like a teen.
Since I am pregnant and am often very tired, I have asked DD and DH to help me out with housework to make things run smoother. She really does not have many jobs. Setting the table, clearing it, keeping her room and bathroom clean, and making sure she puts her dirty clothes in the hamper so I do not get a week worth of dirty clothes all at once. We are not talking extreme hardlabor here. She does it, but with extreme attitude and backtalk.
Lately, her teachers have let me know that her grades are slipping due to the fact that she is very talkative and has been known to pass notes. She will deny both of these behaviors when confronted and now "does not like" certain teachers when they gently correct her. She has many friends but has not invited any of them home nor has she gone to any of their homes. She mentioned having two of them over to sleep over this weekend. I thought that would be great. I asked her to please invite them by wed so we could plan who would be coming. I also wanted to know what types of snacks she wanted us to buy before this weekend so that I did not have to rush out. I even told her I would give her money so she could order a pizza if they wanted. She lives on the bottom floor of our home so she has two rooms to herself to entertain her guests without any parental interference. She stated that she was afraid her dad would embarass her. I told her that was what dads do.
She has a way of being so short and mean when we ask her questions, even as easy as what type of drink she wanted with her dinner. Instead of just saying "A caprisun please" r "orange juice", she will snap "what I normally drink!!" which is different every day. I will respond that I have to finish dinner and when she decides just tell me. She won't and when we sit down to dinner I will just bring out the juice which is what the rest of the family wants to drink and she will have a fit that she has "nothing to drink" and make the rest of dinner miserable for everyone. He dad does get on her case which usually ends up with her running to her room, complain about how "gross" dinner is, or try to pick on me and get her dad on her side.
I spoke with her very calmly about the way she has acted lately. I told her how her dad and I expected her to act and that we are a family and she had to act as part of the solution to our families problems, not create ones on a daily basis. This type of behavior comes and goes with her as well. Just a few days ago she and I were fine, she wanted me to hang out with her, we cooked candy together. But then we had a disagreement on how her father wanted her to save her money for the video game she had wanted instead of spending it on candy (which makes her behavior worse, btw). Last night she told my husband that she could not get along with me and that her friends did not like me (as I said, I have not met any of them...)My husband became furious with her that she would let 13 year old girls who he had never even had the pleasure of meeting, rule her life in such a negative way. She ran to her room screaming that she hated him.
We both agree that this behavior has to stop. She did start her menstration about 2 months ago, but this type of behavior should not last more than a week!! We give her plenty of time alone, I gave her a diary that I would never look at so she could get her feelings out. We do not hit or spank. We do take away her tv,playstation, or whatever. My friends of daughters in their 20s tell me that this will pass. I have just come to a point where I do not want to be around her constantly negative attitude and I do not know how to live a normal family life around it.
Any advice would be great.

If I read this correctly, SD is dealing with:
Birth mom abruptly passes her off to you about 7 months ago (at the start of the school year).
She needs to adjust to a new school.
She just started menstruating.
There will be a new baby in the house soon.
Wow..It seems this girl is faced with a number of *significant* life changing events.
Under the circumstances, I’d choose my battles carefully here. Much of what you describe seems like normal teenage crap (which is starting earlier these days).
She’s bound to have lots of conflicting emotions around birth mom, dad, you, and a new baby coming.
It seems you need to find a balance between her changing behaviors to meet your expectations..... and allowing her feelings to be validated from all the conflict she certainly must be going through.
I’m certain you’ll get good advice here.
Hi,
I am new to the board, but would like to respond to your post.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Life is full of challenges for you right now. Your SD has been an only child her entire life and having to share her Dad with you then the baby will be a challenge for her. You have made her realize that her Dad & you have sex. This is something no teenager wants to acknowledge their parents do. Also, it sounds like her life has been a little unstable as she has moved between parents. She may be very insecure if these parental arrangements were made not for her benefit but because the parent she was living with decided she needed to move.
Teenage girls are a royal pain to raise at anytime but your SD has a lot to deal with right now. I would expect that you & DH are busy planning for the baby and maybe you need to do some special things with her. I was very strict with my kids - (they were 14 before they could go to the mall alone) but I chose my battles. I shut their bedroom door when the room was messy. I gave them some flexibility in chosing the time to do their chores. For example, they all had a turn doing the laundry. It could be done anytime on Sat/Sun. I never complained about "pink" panties or blouses. I just explained what happened & it didn't happen again. They didn't do the work the same as I would have done it but they tried and that counted for more. How are you reacting when she does her chores? Do you/DH complain when they aren't done the way you would do them? Does she have any flexibility at chosing when they are done? Making decisions is part of growing up. I remember a few Mondays when my kids were very tired because they chose to leave the laundry until late Sun night & therefore lost out on a few hours of sleep. I always made them go to school & do their activities regardless of how tired they were so they learned about consequences.
Maybe your family could benefit from a little family counseling to prepare for the new baby. Most siblings have some problems accepting their new baby but most aren't teenagers.
I forgot to mention that she has started to see a councilor but has not seen her for about a month. She has an appt this afternoon. It helped her before and I am hoping it will help again. The last time we all sat together and the councilor saw the way she hung on her dad in a way a 12 year old girl should not and was not paying attention. This time she will be by herself and I can only hope it will not be wasted time.
It is also true that she is having trouble expressing herself so she is mimicking her older cousins (from her mom's family) and what she sees on TV.
Her dad and I had a talk with her last night. He hit it right on the head. She wants very badly to be treated like a teen (with more freedom) but she also wants to go back to the days where she had less responsibility and could be selfish and self centered. Her dad spoiled her very badly after the divorce, especially when he lost custody. He admits this created a monster and wants to correct this now. He told her that if she wanted to act like a teen and be respectful, appologize when she makes mistakes or is rude, and take responsibility, she will be treated like a teen and get to make more choices in her life. If she wants to be rude, throw tantrums, be spiteful, and go out of her way to attack me, blame other people for her problems, and neglect the few household duties she has been assigned, the consiquence is to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, like a small child.
We try to talk with her about consiquences. Last night she decided she did not want to set the table. She is also supposed to make sure I did not need any help with dinner.She chose to play cards. Her dad asked her twice to make sure she completed her duties before she played (if she was at least doing homework we might have been more bendable on this). She told him "I don't have anything else to do" in a leave me alone tone. She wanted to go to the library to check her email and her dad told her to think really hard about what she was supposed to be doing or she would loose her privledge until next week. She said, without even looking up "I don't know!!" So he got mad and said, is the table set? She said, NO! He said well, I guess she does not want to go to check her email. Any normal kid would say "Oh, I am sorry" or at least get up and start to do it. She sat for 3 minutes before she even thought about it. Had she admitted her mistake, appologized, at least started, the consiquence would not have been so severe. We do not even have internet in the house because with this type of behavior we cannot trust that she will not seek out strange people to chat with in order to act out.
Oh, btw, there is also a possibility that her mom told her that she wants her back. Mom mentioned this to DH but he insisted they go to his agreement of her not going back into her custody until the end of middle school (next year). DH wants some stability in DD's life. Mom agreed on the phone but told me once that "maybe DD should decide" although this was never an option when she fought for custody (2 years after the divorce btw). DD wants to be with us when she is there and there when she is with us. This truely feels the grass is greener wherever she is not. I do hope that Mom did not put that sort of destructive bug in her head. Mom has seen her a total of 12 days since last May and the last time (which was last week) was only because I had to have DD call her to let her know that she had some days off. She never asks.
I do hope the counciling will help. We had a good relationship. She is capable of not acting like this.
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I have one that would have reacted this way and one that would have reacted just like your SD did and I think they are both pretty normal. I've come to decided there really isn't any such thing as a normal teen. My two are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum in everything.
She is very luck to have someone that cares about her like you. I see that you are tired of living like this but I also see that you are truly concerned about her and want what's best for her. I do think this is a stage that alot of teens go through but combined with all her other issues her stage is magnified. I also agree that counseling will probably help but she probably needs to go more than once a month - maybe every two weeks would be good for now.
Another thing I would like to throw out to you is the possibilty of rewards. I've found with my youngest DD that grounding and taking away stuff only frustrates her more and causes more acting out. That doesn't mean we don't do it but we over rewards and time off for good behavior. For instance if she's grounded, we offer her a trip to the movies if she's had a good attitude to give her a break. Also we don't ground her for long periods of time. Usually just weekends. We might ground her for two weekends but not during the week. We also may offer large chores to earn time off for good behavior. This way we acknowledge that she is trying to do better. It seems to work pretty well with her.
Good Luck and congratulations on the new baby.
Good luck to you.