Embarrassing your teens? Okay?
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| Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:47pm |
The other day I parked behind this Dodge minivan and there was a small black and yellow bumper sticker which read, "I was put on this Earth to embarrass my teenagers".
I don't know, I guess if I heard someone say that I might get a chuckle out of it, but to actually put it on your car like it's your own personal slogan?
When I told my friend about it, she couldn't stop laughing and said, "That's MY goal, isn't it yours?" Well, uh, no, it's not and why is it hers?? My friend then related a story to me about how at least once a week when she drives her 3 teens to HS she actually walks them in, talking loudly in front of all thier friends and even tries to get her arm around one of them - she said she deliberatly does this on purpose to embarrass her teens in front of thier peers. She said she also drives by the ball fields when all the kids are there, lowers her windows, reclines her seat, and blasts rap - again, to embarrass her teens. I was just speechless - have I lost my sense of humor or is this mom a little on the narcissistic side??

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Ahhh ... Arkansas. I checked your profile before posting last, and wondered what part of Texas you could possibly be in that has such a serene and bucolic feel. My experience with Texas is limited to the Houston area, however, so I imagine there could be other parts of the state that are like that.
Interesting that the mill is still being used. Has it been converted to electricity or is it still water-powered? DD, DS and I (DD especially) have a fondness for historical old buildings, cars and things and are fascinated by the way things 'used to be'.
It's been interesting reading all these responses. I think that Heather's viewpoint about being respectful towards your teens is probably where my viewpoint comes in. I mean, by our mere presence, so many of us can embarrass our kids, right? But I think in our society it's become so prevalent that a 'normal' parent/teen relationship is perceived to be filled with angst, anger, resentment, embarrassment, and hostility - that it's almost expected and to NOT have that type of relationship is odd. That's too bad, isn't it? And I think that much of that mindset is stemmed in a parent's reaction to thier developing teen...young adult, as if they have a really hard time acknowledging that thier son/daughter thinks for themselves and may actually be different than the parent thinks they should be. Parents who mock thier teens ideas, belief systems and interests are mean. Teen are, after all, people too.
I can honestly say, and I even double checked with both of my dds (19 and 17), that I do not embarrass them. We have a sense of humor...they laugh off anything goofy that I may do or say, unintentional as it is and we can make fun of one another without hurting each other or causing resentment. Two weeks ago when dd19 was home from college with some of her friends and they asked to see baby pics, I pulled out the old albums and shared some funny photos of dd, some embarrassing even, and dd feigned annoyance with a sly smile, but later was laughing along with them.
I just think some parents feel they are 'supposed' to have an adversarial relationship with thier teens and they bring it on themselves...kind of like my friend who goes out of her way to embarrass her kids.
<< But I think in our society it's become so prevalent that a 'normal' parent/teen relationship is perceived to be filled with angst, anger, resentment, embarrassment, and hostility - that it's almost expected and to NOT have that type of relationship is odd.>>
I think there's truth there, because I have actually thought that myself -- we must not be 'normal' if this is the worst I get, i.e. rolling eyes, from my kids. I worry that I don't have enough to worry about, kwim? Am I missing something? Is he/she hiding something? And yes, it is too bad. I was an extremely shy child and very easily embarassed so tend to by hyper-sensitive about embarassing my kids and go to great lengths to try not to. And if I do, I'm quick to apologize and promise to try not to do again.
<<...they have a really hard time acknowledging that thier son/daughter thinks for themselves and may actually be different than the parent thinks they should be.>>
I think this is a hard one too. I know I've often thought about DD 'I can't believe isn't important to her ... it sure would be to me'. Or something similar, but manage to keep such thoughts to myself. {{Patting myself on the back, here}} And my DS' hair? Poor kid ... between DH and both sets of grandparents, he's heard it all. I finally told DH to 'lay off him and his hair' and conveyed much the same message to the grands via e-mail when they'd write and ask 'did W get a haircut yet?'
I too, think respect goes both ways.
Julie
Julie & H&R,
I agree so whole heartedly with both of you. So much of the teenage angst depends on how the parents deal with it when it first appears I think. My kids all were crazy little jerks at 12 and 13, just like everyone else's, but it was pretty short lived because I learned early on to pick my battles, respect their feelings, and let a lot of stuff go. So their attitudes were mostly over within 6-9 months, where a lot of parents deal with teenage animosity for years and years. N still periodically has a horrible attitude, that I usually deal with by saying "I really don't want to deal with your bad mood, so either you go to your room or I'm going to mine!" Within an hour or two she comes looking for me to apologize for "being a drama queen." If I'd have gotten confrontational with her, I'm sure the drama would have lasted for days. No there aren't the kinds of punishments that some kids get for having a crappy attitude, but she knows when she's being a jerk, apologizes, and then we go back to our usual close relationship.
As I'm thinking about this, I think sometimes parents get into the realm of being disrespectful of their kids when handing out long or harsh punishments too - and that also contributes to an adversarial relationship. My MIL always had an attitude of "would you treat a friend or co-worker so harshly? If not, you shouldn't be treating your kids so harshly either." I think she was a pretty wise woman!
Rose
DH & I definitely do not need a bumper sticker!! The fact that we merely exist is enough at times. Our family is fairly laid back, we have been known to dance in front of our children and their close friends. DD & her best friend now make fun of our so called inability to get our "groove thing on". DH would like to remove DD's groove thing, he has seen her dance and she inherited his great dancing ability.
Only once have I purposely embarrassed DD. Way back when (4 months ago when she became the most experienced driver in the world) I used to pick her up from school. Occasionally, she would be immersed in conversation with friends, see me waiting but would almost ignore me. I spoke to her about it several times and suggested this was rude and disrespectful. She of course said "Oh, Mom we are discussing something important". Not to minimalize the importance of teen fashion and high school gossip, I made a deal. I arrive, she sees me, she has a few minutes to wrap it up. She agreed.
Not long after our agreement I arrived at school and she noticed me but continued to talk for 10 minutes (even looking over occasionally to make sure I was still there). Believe me I had several urges, one was to go home, the other to roll down the window and scream get in this car! But my Mom brilliance prevailed!! I am not a fan of Rap music but there is one Rap song I love, even have used at church youth group....Where Is the Love? by Black Eyed Peas. I popped in the CD, cranked up the volume and began to sing. Trust me this revelation had her running across the school lawn.
She jumped in the car and said "Mom, what in the world were you doing?" My reply, "just sharing the Love, I was bored after waiting 10 minutes." She fully received my point. She should thank the Gods I didn't put on "Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing", that CD was next in my visor.
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