Ever Get Tired?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Ever Get Tired?
13
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 12:56pm

Do you ever get tired of parenting? Of trying to set the best example? Trying to teach all the right life lessons so your kids grow up happy, well-adjusted and ready to face the world on their own? Do you ever just say "Oh, what the h**l" and just cave in to something that might not be the biggest issue at the moment, but in the long-run, isn't setting the greatest example?

mom_dragonfly's post on school shopping got me thinking about where we stand in that regard. We'll be gone all of next week and then will have only a few days before school starts to get organized. I remembered yesterday that DS will need new PE shoes so I drug him to the mall. He wasn't especially keen on shoe shopping, but WAS very keen on seeing if a new game he wanted for his PS2 was on the shelves yet.

Long story short, I ended up fronting him two months allowance (something I swore I'd never do because I don't want him to get into the habit of taking on debt) and we left the mall with the game ... but no shoes. He didn't even whine or fuss at all! He asked once if he could advance his allowance and I said 'okay, but that means you won't have any money now for a while'. At that moment, I just didn't care and it just didn't seem to matter. Now mom2morgan, I know you'll be horrified by the fact I did this, but I DID make a point of showing DS the savings between the sweatshirt at the clearance store ($18.99) and the one at one of the beach/sun shops ($43.00) a couple weeks ago. Does that sort-of redeem myself?

Aside from the lesson learned or unlearned by my less-than-thrifty DS, I'm not sure it's such a big deal today to me today, either. But it sure as heck isn't the greatest lesson for me to be teaching DS. Video games over shoes? Egad.

What matters is that I seem to have developed a 'whatever, who cares?' attitude about parenting. I just feel tired.

But I feel guilty too. Guilting that I am tired and am not doing all the 'right' stuff. That I'm not setting the right example, doing the right things -- not doing a better job preparing them for life. Last week, we spent the day/night with some friends from another state who were spending the week in Laguna Beach. She has 3 kids -- all who swim competitively, play piano, are honors students, eat onions AND spinach on their sandwiches (my kids would rather STARVE than eat onions or spinach), play board games instead of computer games, are enthusiastic readers, eat just ONE cookie as opposed to 1/2 dozen cookies ... well you get the idea. You could count the ribs on her boys and the rolls on mine. (He grew 4" since his last check-up, so there are fewer rolls, but definitely still on the chubby side!)

When the 10yo DD made a rather un-PC remark about some 'Bible thumpers' at her school, I was perversely happy to hear it -- "Aha! You're NOT perfect!" kinds of thoughts.

I feel bad too, that I wasn't able to keep DD busier over the summer. She's been a bit bored and a little lonely. But on the other hand, there's only so much suggesting and encouraging to her that I can do. I think she hesitates to take the initiative with friends is for all those teenage feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. And to think I thought that was mostly behind us!

Just rambling here now ... but does anybody else feel like this sometimes?

Julie

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:11pm

Yes, I do! I think we all do! I do think we, as parents and adults, need to recharge ourselves. I think feeling tired comes from feeling drained and spread too thin, giving all we have to others and not recharging our own batteries. I have a 15 and a 3 year old. My DD (15) goes to dad's house every other week. There are some weeks I have to admit I welcome the break from parenting a teen. I miss her and would love for her to be here fulltime, don't get me wrong. But I think teens can seem very demanding, indepedent, ungrateful etc. We feel like we do so much and then it still doesn't matter to them. It is a huge job to raise another human being to adulthood. I wold give yourself a break and try to recharge your batteries. Take some time out for yourself and do things you love.

Lisa


*HUGS* TOTAL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:43pm

Yep, I get tired too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:53pm
LOL - horrified? No, I've done the same thing - but I've figured out that it doesn't work for my son so I've had to stop :-)
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 2:01pm

Oh, Julie, I would venture to guess we have ALL felt that way at one time or another (or, in my case, *several* times!) If it helps at all, when I do something that doesn't set the best example, I have to remind myself, that lots of times I DO set a good example. And I believe that the overall example is what our kids will remember, not that one time we gave in and advanced them their allowance. Well, they may remember it, but it will be a fond memory because it *is* a differential from the norm. Besides, it could be a lesson in and of itself. Maybe he forgets his advance on his allowance, and then finds out he can't go somewhere or buy something, becuase his money is already spent. That could be an eye-opener too. :)

Don't feel guilty. We are all human. And our kids are going to turn out ok in spite of us!! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 2:13pm

Well, Julie, you stole my thunder, so to speak. When I came back from lunch, I was going to "vent" a little about my situation, but you beat me to it. Yes, a thousand times yes, I am tired, too! I can't do anything right as far as my dd is concerned. She has recently been claiming that (horror of all horrors) I make her eat when she is not hungry! Nevermind, that she has gotten into the ice cream and chips between meals, when it comes time to eat the "healthy" hot food I have prepared, she is being forced to eat when she is not hungry! (And that is just ONE example!) Luckily, I went out to lunch today with a co-worker, who let me vent all I wanted. I also had 2 glasses of wine. My perspective is back (for now), LOL. Like I told my co-worker, it doesn't matter that I 'intellectually' know I am doing the right thing as a mom, I 'emotionally' feel bad when she gets so nasty with me about things. (And I'll bet everyone knows what I'm talking about). Sometimes, I wish that we could meet in real life, because I identify so closely with the things you post here. I have a friend that lives near Colorado Springs, so maybe once (if?) you get moved, I could fly out and we could meet. Maybe?

Anyway, hang in there, and remember that you ARE a good mom!!

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 2:48pm

P.S. And totally off the subject, I am also very, very tired of all the killing going on in the Middle East, and now the news about the terrorist plot unfoiled in London and how new airline restrictions now have to be imposed. Doesn't anyone besides me just want to live in peace with the earth and with our fellow humans?

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 3:35pm

Two words -- Heck Yeah! I will tell you I do not always set the best example. I can be sarcastic and critical and I will often say things I shouldn't in front of the kids. I too am a bit "free" with my money and maybe that's not a good way to handle the kids. I will take a drink when they are around -- so what. I've even done the "let's all just skip off today" thing where we all three of us take a day off ie me from work, them from school, and just lie around in our PJ's all day.

Its just that, to me, as long as I am consistent on the REALLY important things, I don't sweat the small stuff.

When I think about it, my parents were not always model parents. Heck my dad regularly got drunk (he even drove drunk quite often), had his buddies over for cards until all hours of the morning and smoked like a chimney. My mom was an emotional drama-queen who would regularly lose it and didn't hide it from us kids. And she even often got into violent confrontations with people -- again not keeping a thing from us. But in essentials and fundamentals they were good people and my sister and I knew that. Neither of us turned out too badly, it seems.

Our mom was very good at saying things to us like -- "I'm not perfect, I'm only human."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 3:38pm

Julie, you’re so not alone with this.

We all get tired. Raising a teenager seem to be defined in one word - conflict.
So… I try to explain WHY DD can’t go to Florida by herself at 15 to visit a girlfriend, WHY DD needs to concentrate on core school requirements rather than that extra really cool pottery class, WHY I need to know information she thinks is none of my business, and yes… WHY she needs to use the allotted money for school clothes and not a really cool new snowboarding jacket, etc...etc...etc.... And of course I handle this all with the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of a Saint..... Yeah..right.
At times she seems critical of virtually every decision I make. She wants the comfort and security of a child, yet demands to be treated as an adult when the mood hits her.
Adolescence lasts way to long.
For our own sanity, sometimes we just need to say fine, do it your way and let the chips fall and not worry about that theoretical perfect example we try to uphold... :-)

<<>>
Please! Don’t do this to yourself! EVERY family has crap in the closet, including this one.
We know a family with kids like this. A few months ago I found out their daughter cuts, and she plucked her eyebrows off. Putting on the "perfect" show comes with a pretty high price.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 5:55pm

Oh gosh ... thanks ladies, and daddio too, for your support. I do feel like I need to be perfect and set a prefect example for the kids and that in itself is tiring. I should be this, shouldn't be doing that .. it could go on and on forever couldn't it?

It's hard not to feel inadequate with all the articles in books, magazines, newspapers and such in our faces all the time. Not to mention the doctor at DS' physical yesterday. OMG ... she really grilled DS about what he eats. I know she was just doing her job and overweight teens are a huge health issue these days but DS still has lots of growing to do and I wasn't so happy that she made such a big issue of it. Sorry Dr. H., but I'm just not buying reduced fat cheese. Blech. I'll consider the baked chips you suggest, but that's about it.

You're right daddio, about that other family. There is crap in their closets, I'm sure, and in retrospect, I think I know what it is.

So thanks all, again. I'm sure you'll be just as supportive when I admit that DD and I just ate about 1/2 chocolate chip cookies each ... raw. I just baked up a double batch, but sometimes I prefer to eat mine before I actually bake them.

Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 6:12pm

Amelia,

So sorry you're having a tough day too! I do hope the wine at lunch soothed your nerves. Were you able to get any work done after that? I think I would have fallen asleep at my desk after two glasses.

I have especially lax about meals this summer -- yet another reason to feel guilty about my parenting skills. There has been more than one instance that DS has asked at about 8:30 at night, "did we have dinner tonight?" Oops. Guess I thought no one was hungry since I wasn't. DD and DS have both done the chips, ice cream and cookies thing though, so it makes up for the days I'm on the ball and they don't eat because they've filled up on junk. How lame is that?

Thank you for your kind words. We've lived in our community for 8 years now and I don't feel like I especially fit in here, so it's nice to know that I have 'friends' out in the virtual world, if none here in my neighborhood. If bychance, we end up in Colorado, I'd love to meet you when you visit your friend in Colorado Springs. With regard to that particular subject, office politics have gotten in the way -- the Denver office manager doesn't want DH's California salary as a line item in his budget. Can't say I blame him on that one. Anyway, negotiations are underway and other options are being considered. I'll keep you posted.

And yes! I am truly saddened by the terrorist activities of late and wonder what sort of world our children will grow into as adults. As a family that LOVES to travel, it is disheartening that we now need to be afraid to take the opportunities to show our children as much of this wonderful world we live in as we can, while we can.

It is my personal feeling that there will never be peace in the Middle East. Well, at least not in my lifetime, anyay. But I also feel that the rest of the world should not have to suffer and live in fear at the hands of people in that region. But there just don't seem to be any easy answers for this, do there?

I hope your tomorrow is better.

Julie

 

 

 

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