exhausted and worn out
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| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:29pm |
How does one know if a teen is "troubled" or just has the typical angst that comes with being a teen? DD and I watched "Augusta, Gone" this past Sunday and I was struck with the similarities in our lives. For some odd reason ;-), DD identified with the daughter and I identified with the mother. (So... many thanks to the person who first posted about that show!) Anyway, based on the continuing struggles that I have had with DD this past year (or two) I am finally beginning to consider that there is something more going on with her than just the usual stuff that teenagers go through. I don't think I mentioned this before, but DD is adopted (at the age of 2 years, 7 months) and I remember something in her background about her bio mom being mentally ill. Because she was adopted from a South American country and there really wasn't much useful information about her bios, I have always tried to accept my DD for who she is, and I have always stressed to her that I expected her to be the best person she was capable of being. Because she is CAPABLE of getting A's and B's in school, I absolutely cannot understand why she is so complacent and willing to receive so many D's and F's . She is ADD, that I accept. But is she (perhaps) ODD, too? And if yes, what then? She lies, she steals, she manipulates, she is verbally abusive, she is defiant, she is angry, she dresses like a "punk", etc., etc. And like some others have said, she started off with having all the "privileges" and has gradually progessed to having barely any of them left. Maybe I belong on the "troubled teen" board, I don't know. I do know, however, that I am extremely exhausted and worn out. My DS, also adopted, has a totally different personality. Ergo, the thought that heredity may be playing a role here. Any ideas?
Amelia

Don't know that I'd want to label it as a hereditary thing... that makes it sound as though your DD is held hostage to her genes and isn't able to change her ways, no matter what she does... and I don't believe that is true. To compare DD to her brother, who might have had much the same background isn't really fair to her.
Amelia, you are correct in considering your dd's genetic predisposition to mental illness. It IS an important peice with many children, in particular once they hit adolescence. Behavior that is typical teen in the troubling sense can often turn into 'troubled' teen type of behavior. You can check out www.conductdisorders.com and just read some of the boards - you will learn a lot! There are people from all walks of life who can attest to the fact that mental illness does indeed run in families and should not be ignored. There are also A LOT of adoptee parents there with very interesting stories. Great support.
Since your dd has already been diagnosed with ADD, it would, IMO (having BTDT), be wise to have her evaluated and tested by a NeuroPsychiatrist/Psychologist - I say either/or only because they can both do the testing, but if it is determined that meds may help her situation/destructive behavior, the Psychiatrist would be able to prescribe.
That said, however, both you and your dd would probably benefit from some counseling just to first determine how much of her behavior is environmental and how much if typical teen and how much of it is truly a biological issue. You don't want to jump in the bandwagon for medicating our kids without good reason, yet, it would be ignorant of you to hide your head in the sand should medication be necessary - you know what I mean?
When my dd was younger her counselor suggested meds and my H and I were firmly against it. After a while (3 more years) it became apparent that my dd's struggle in school and social difficulties were really hurting her, as well as her disruptive behavior at home - that's when we sought a second opinion and opted to add very low dose of meds and the difference in her life has been amazing. The meds have been tweaked over the past couple of years and she did go through a period where she refused them, but we worked through it and she sees the benefit of the meds. She's come to realize that her taking and antidepressant is the same as a diabetic taking insulin. And it is.
And also, I've learned that academics are not everyone's thing - my 18dd does fine, no issues, very laid back, goes with the flow, and she mostly gets B's/A's. She has plans for college, etc. If my 16dd passes her classes it's cause for celebration - when she gets a C or, dare I say it, a B we're practically sending out announcements! I mean, I know that my 16dd is smart, creative, interesting, & well-read. Do I need to see an A on her report card to prove it? No, I don't. The fact is, the traditional class environment is not her thing. We switched schools so she would have a smaller, more intimate setting and that's helped, but the whole studying and reading and regurgitating what's been taught gets boring for her and she loses interest. But, we make weekly trips to the library and she practically speed reads books all year long. She reads the paper, she listens to cool music and she sketches and draws beautifully. She may not be a DR one day, but I think whatever she chooses she will be happy with it. And that's more important to me than her bringing home A's and B's. Her emotional well being trumps a report card full of A's and B's anyday.
I just have one comment to make regarding your post - about the punk dressing. Is it really that important? Who cares how she dresses? The people who most likely judge her based on her style of dress probably aren't the kind of people you'd want her to emulate anyway. Try not to get so hung up on her dress or hair style - it simply isn't that important and it may be the ONE way she has of creating a sense of independence as well as a way of expressing herself. Believe me, at some point, and when she's good and ready, she will find a way of dressing that suits her without being outlandish. It may take a while, but you just have to let this go. As long as she's not baring her body or wearing see-thru things, I'd drop it. But that's my opinion as my 16dd dresses a little punky at times, but we compromise - there are times when I have to veto a certain top (for too much exposure) and other times where I will tell her that mandatory traditional clothing is a must....like to the DR or family event. She's good about it because the rest of the time, I mostly let her dress the way she wants. Also, her hair is pink. Not all over, but streaked pink. I wasn't happy about it, but I also know that in about 3 months she will ask me to dye it back to her natural dark brown! Try not to sweat the small stuff - you will have bigger battles ahead.
Hugs - I hope that you're able to have your dd evaluated and figure out how to help her.
Thanks for your response, Rose. Because my dd's behavior seems so much "beyond" what I hear from other parents in our area about their teens, I have recently been thinking over the the long-standing conundrum of "nature vs. nurture". No doubt that my ds is a different individual, and rest assured, each of my children is considered on his/her own merits and they are not compared with each other (to the extent that I expect one to be like the other). In fact, when we play games or go bowling, I always emphasize that each child is to compete against himself/herself (by trying to do better each time) and not to compare their scores to anyone else's.
And yes, my dd and I have seen (talked with) numerous counselors and psychologists over the last two years, none of whom have been too helpful to date. (DD does not have RAD). The last psychologist I went to was for the specific purpose of having dd psychologically and intellectually evaluated (and he advertised that this was his specialty!), but it turned out that his focus was entirely on behavior modification and he was "anti-medication" and "anti-504 plans", etc. However, that said, I am currently trying to find the "right" help for my dd.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond.
Amelia
hugs....
instead of trying to understand if this is something hereditary or not, you might want to just work with what you have. you can't CHANGE the past, or who her bio-parents are.
if she is as defiante as you say, then you need help, an you need help now.