Failing as a parent
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| Sat, 03-31-2007 - 1:36am |
Do you ever feel like you're a total failure as a parent? Tonight at dinner DS17.5 asked me, "When you say you have to pay bills, what do you do? How often do they come?" And then, "Why do you make such a big deal about taxes? Do you have to add up the amounts on every paycheck to figure out the total amount you earned before doing them? What do you do if you owe taxes and you have no money in your account to pay them? What if you just don't pay what is due?"
So I briefly explained to him how some bills are set up to be automatically paid each month (an electronic transaction) from our checking account and how others I pay online. And how, in the old days, each used to be paid with a check. And I explained about W-2s and how the IRS can garnish wages if taxes are not paid.
I really do blame myself. This is the same son who, at age 9, when I asked, "How come I'm the only one who refills the ice cube trays?" replied, "Oh, I thought you bought the filled trays from the store." With DS23 and DS17 being six years apart, we relied too much on DS23 to babysit, and the younger one missed out on a lot of shopping. Add to that the fact that he's an introvert who is afraid to ask questions, he realllllllly missed out on a lot.
I just told him that someday (after I do the taxes, and pay the bills and paint the house, and and the yard work and do everything else that needs to be done to get it ready to sell) I'd show him all that stuff. DS23, an extrovert, seemed to pick up on all that, no problem. I'm just glad DS17 opened his mouth and asked! And he did help for a couple of hours with the yard work today. He's my dependable-without-complaining helper....even if he's not ready to go off into the world of 18 yo adults.

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I think that's why our school switched from a required computer class (Word, Excel, PP, etc.) to 'personal finance':
PERSONAL FINANCE (10, 11, 12) is a required course for graduation for the Class of 2010 and
thereafter. Students will learn about income, money management, spending, credit, saving, and investing. Students will also learn to use spreadsheet software to apply personal financial planning techniques.
I think that the previous required computer class is now integral to the other classes, and this would benefit them more - not sure if it's a state thing or not. DS will take it next year, but he has also completed the Personal Management merit badge in scouts, which sounds very, very similar. I have involved him in home expenses, so he's ok there.
But as far as a failing parent, I'm frustrated at his inability to take tests (not sure if it's study habits or what; he did have convergence insufficiency (eye issues) that he just 'fixed' but still has test issues) - I want him in a study skills class next year because he sure won't listen to me any more! I was the one to strive for straight A's; he's ok with all Bs and a C or two, which wasn't like him in MS (he's also g/t but sure hasn't shown it this year). Sigh.
Sue
Rose
I have a lot of guilt associated with my youngest too!
He is very introverted, shy, and quiet. It is soooo easy to forget he is even there. The other two were verbal early on and peppered us with questions. This one barely says boo and, to some degree, I worry we let the others take over too much. I certainly didn't see at the time but I watched a Xmas video where DS2 literally opened DS3's presents and played with them first-how did I not see that at the time? I felt awful watching that video.
You have to work harder with the quiet, laid back ones. It's almost like they're too easy. We certainly never seemed to ignore DS2 as he was always the challenging child. DS1 was 'easy' but vocal; we were discussing evolution at 4!
But it's harder with this one and I know we have dropped the ball A LOT.
Trying to take some suggestions from the 'what to do with your teen' thread. Looking to go play pool soon; today we hiked and explored a nearby mansion and gardens
I feel like we're actively working on it which is good but, yes, lots of guilt that it took him being the only one at home for us to 'get it'. :(
What are you complaining about? Your son asked your questions and you answered them.
So what if he is nearly 18. The point is he asked questions.
How would he know what the IRA would do if you owed taxes.
So what if he asked how you pay your bills. How would he know unless he asks? Don't compare him to his older brother. He is a differnt person.
Honestly,I don't understand why you think you failed as a parent. If this is all you have to worry about girl, be so very thankful.
Oh my God I feel like a failure EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! For example:
- when I walk into their rooms (DD 15 almost 16, DS 11 almost 12) and see dirty laundry all over the floor, clutter on every table top and desktop and then remember my own pristine room as a child kept that way by me
- when I tell my dd she needs to get a summer job and she whines and complains "why????" while proceeding to ask me for a new outfit or new music download
- when my son comes home asking why we don't have a family board game night
- when I have to leave them cold or easy to prepare food because neither of them can work a stove
- when I ask my son why his work isn't done and he says its because I didn't remind him
- when I realize how many evenings I order take out due to having no food in the house
- when I got a letter from the board of health that I completely forgot to get my son a set of immunizations as a child (its mandatory to attend school here)
The list just goes on and on and on...
But then I just remind myself of the GOOD things and qualities about my kids and they help me feel better.
- My dd is in 10th grade and a top level student -- no problems at all to this point with boys, drugs, alcohol, rough behaviour etc.
- My ds is an A and B student, plays an instrument in the school band and is smart and tech-savvy and creative
- My dd is an accomplished dancer who continues to delight me with her talent and dedication to the art
- We don't have "game nights" but we enjoy so many things together from movies to outings to concerts etc.
So for every time you feel like a flop and a failure remember the good things you've given your kids and also trust that those good things will help offset the things you feel they may be lacking. For a bright, inquisitive child will figure out their way through alot of things....
I hope you are just kidding about being a failure. It's really surprising what kids don't know that we don't think to tell them. My DD is in the top 10% of her class and in National Honor Society. I noticed yesterday that her car inspection sticker expired in March and now it's already April. So I said "You have to get the car inspected or you will get a ticket." She thought that when we had her car tuned up as a Christmas present, that was the same as the inspection.
she also had no idea what the money was that was being taken out of her paycheck, esp. FICA and Medicare and that she couldn't get this back. I actually think your DS was very smart to ask these questions. You wouldn't believe how many grown adults don't understand basic things either.
I think schools just spend so much time teaching Calculus and Physics and things like that but kids aren't taught a lot of practical things.
Another thing I thought of was that when my DD was applying for her first job, she actually asked me if it was important to dress up for the job interview and what difference that would make. Yet I (I'm a lawyer) see people going to court for criminal cases (and not the ones who were held in jail and couldn't help waht they are wearing) wearing their oldest clothes to court and not realizing what kind of impression they might be making to the judge.
Why don't you just ask him to sit beside you the next time you pay bills? I did that with my kids a few times. It was amazing to me how much they really didn't know and it also made a huge difference in their view of the family finances. It really didn't take much extra time to explain to them what I was doing.
You are by no means failing as a parent. Take a minute or two and think about your kids and all the wonderful things that set them apart from their friends. They didn't get that without on their own - you had a hand in that, I promise!
Have a good day!
My DH is very non-trusting by nature. When I was doing the FAFSA, he said "make sure that DD doesn't see how much I make." Of course, he doesn't know that she can probably access this info on line if she chose to do that. Or she wanted to be able to go online to check how many text message she had been sending, not to go over her limit of 200/month. He said no because it was "private" like what kind of private info is on there, except the amt. of the bills?
I feel that if kids knew how much money we were spending, they might have a bigger appreciation for how hard it is for us to keep up and not be asking for this or that every 5 minutes. I'm sure most kids don't know we have to pay for water or how much the electric bill is every month when we are nagging them to turn off the lights!
My DH is similar in nature but since I write the checks and deal with physical disbursement of money, I felt that it was my decision. I also know that my DH wouldn't get terribly upset about it. Actually, once he saw the difference in the girl's attitude about money, I think he was glad that I did it. He doesn't have to constantly remind them how expensive things can be because they've seen it.
He also knows that I see college students on a daily basis that are way over their heads financially because no one bothered to teach them these things. Thankfully, he has come to trust my judgement on this.
Rose
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