Failing as a parent
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| Sat, 03-31-2007 - 1:36am |
Do you ever feel like you're a total failure as a parent? Tonight at dinner DS17.5 asked me, "When you say you have to pay bills, what do you do? How often do they come?" And then, "Why do you make such a big deal about taxes? Do you have to add up the amounts on every paycheck to figure out the total amount you earned before doing them? What do you do if you owe taxes and you have no money in your account to pay them? What if you just don't pay what is due?"
So I briefly explained to him how some bills are set up to be automatically paid each month (an electronic transaction) from our checking account and how others I pay online. And how, in the old days, each used to be paid with a check. And I explained about W-2s and how the IRS can garnish wages if taxes are not paid.
I really do blame myself. This is the same son who, at age 9, when I asked, "How come I'm the only one who refills the ice cube trays?" replied, "Oh, I thought you bought the filled trays from the store." With DS23 and DS17 being six years apart, we relied too much on DS23 to babysit, and the younger one missed out on a lot of shopping. Add to that the fact that he's an introvert who is afraid to ask questions, he realllllllly missed out on a lot.
I just told him that someday (after I do the taxes, and pay the bills and paint the house, and and the yard work and do everything else that needs to be done to get it ready to sell) I'd show him all that stuff. DS23, an extrovert, seemed to pick up on all that, no problem. I'm just glad DS17 opened his mouth and asked! And he did help for a couple of hours with the yard work today. He's my dependable-without-complaining helper....even if he's not ready to go off into the world of 18 yo adults.

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That's when I added a budget item for him to manage (like the weekly budget for fast food). He less rarely asks for things now, but when he does, I point out the budget and what he got to have that might have been outside the budget.... and the gimmee whine stops cold.
I think it's useful for them to see the family's budget. How else can they learn this sort of thing or appreciate the cost of water, phone, electricity, etc?
Hmmm, he's only 9. I didn't even think about bill paying or the amount of brain activity it took until I was about 15. I guess I don't see what the big deal is.
In regards to the daily tasks you perform such as filling the ice tray or changing the toilet paper roll, lol...perhaps you should lay more of the responsibilities onto your kiddos so they can learn by doing? Surely by age 9, any kid can learn what it means to clean a bathroom, fill an ice cube tray, fold laundry and put it away? I think it's time to start delegating more tasks. My dd17, then 15, asked me for $20 to go to the movies. I said, "I don't have any money" to which she said, "well can't you just go get some from that ATM machine?" I laughed and said again, "No, I don't have any money in there" and dd said, without batting an eye..."Well, I though the bank just gives you money and then you pay it back when you deposit your check"...oh yeah, non-stop line of credit! What a great idea! Haha - and she was already working and banking her own money by then and it just never clicked in her head! You can teach your kids things by just having them watch you, but it's up to them to actually pick up on it and learn it.
Honestly, I don't think there isn't one among us who hasn't felt like we missed a step along the way! Stop beating yourself up. He asked, you answered, now move on. Hugs~it's not as bad as you think.
I agree 100%. Neither H nor I have ever let our dds' know how much our incomes are. Not so much because we don't trust them with the info (although when dd17 was younger, she was the town crier and would tell people all sorts of embarrassing information!), but the real reason we didn't divulge this information is because their concept of money so not realistic. For example, making $50,000 a year would seem like A LOT of money to a 15 year old. Whereas to a parent with a home and a family to support it may seems like a small pittance and not enough! And then when they think of spending $1000, the teen may think, "Well, it's not THAT much", but an adult may feel like, "Hey, I worked hard for that $1000!"
My 19dd still at times doesn't seem to understand the value of a dollar whereas for dd17, money isn't so important and she banks nearly her entire check every week! She simply doesn't have a care for money until she needs to buy something...which will be a car soon with the $1500 she has saved since August (I am so proud of her, can you tell?).
DD19 saw the FAFSA forms last year and I nearly ripped them out of her hands! LOL - They don't need to know. They can learn and understand the process, but they don't need to know the numbers. Our HS has a required class for seniors that teaches them all about personal finances, budgets, check writing, online banking, etc. It is a GREAT class!
Their brains are still developing.
I absolutely love the idea of giving them a portion of the budget to manage. I seriously doubt that your DS will ever face major financial issuess because of mismanagement simply because he has a mom that is teaching him how to manage. I'm sitting in a classromm with 8 college students right now and I now of at least 4 that won't be able to come back in the fall because of financial issues. That's so sad. Maybe if someone had taken the time to teach them, this would be different. I'm working with one of them and hopefully she can turn it around. She's going to take one on-line course in the fall and work full-time and save her money. She's moving in with her grandmother. This will help both grandma and my student. I haven't talked at great length with the other 3 about their plans and I hope they can work it out but we'll see.
Congratulations on a unique idea to help teach your DS a lesson and who knows it might take a little stress off you in the process!!
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