Family in Turmoil .. Please help!
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| Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:46am |
Hi. Forgive me for this "vent" being far too long. Try as I might,I couldn't shorten it. I hope someone will manage to wind their way through this mess and help me sort things out. I would be eternally grateful! Our family is torn apart and I'm at my wits end.
My DH and I have been together for 6 years and are very much in love. We each have two children from previous marriages. I have two DS's ages 9 and 15 and my DH has a 14 yr. old daughter and 12 yr old son. Up until this last school year my DSD and DSS lived with us. They decided last summer that they wanted to try living with their mom, havevisitations with us and, wanting the kids to be happy, we let them go. It has turned out to be the single biggest mistake we have ever made.
For starters, my DSD has major emotional issues. She's a funny,talented, girl with
a great personality most of the time, but she has severe behaviorial issues. The worst
include habitually lying, manipulation, lack of empathy for anyone other than herself,
stealing, attention seeking (calling her a “Drama Queen” is an understatement) and her
complete refusal to obey ANY rule. Her therapist, whom my DH and I have met and talked
withextensively, tells us that my DSD meets the criteria for Histrionic Personality
Disorder and Hypochondria. One of the most troubling issues with my DSD is her obsessive
desire for attention. She has made a habit of “faking” injuries and illness to gain
attention (This has been confirmed several times by her pediatrician who has seen her
since birth). We’re terrified of course that she is going to go too far one day and
seriously injure or kill herself.
Ann has exacerbated my DSD’s behaviors by allowing her to take on the “Goth” look. (My DSS refers to her friends as "scary".) She's dyed her hair black, and dressesin skimpy black clothing for the most part. Skulls and other death culture icons are her
favorite "fashion accessories". Ann not lets this child wear thong panties, but let's her leave the house in fishnet stockings out in public. Ann evidently buys these things for her. There is no punishment for her bad behavior, yet she is often "rewarded" with trips to Disneyworld, $300 cell phones and unlimited “bonding time” with mom that usually includes a shopping spree, yet Ann frequently complains to my DSS and DH that she's so broke she can't buy groceries. No wonder.
My DSS on the other hand, is a great kid with a bit of a chip on his shoulder. He has always been somewhat neglected and mistreated by his mother and sister, but the problemis getting worse. My DSD is Ann’s “Golden Child” and she makes that fact clear to everyone, especially my DSS. Examples? Ann schedules “bonding” time with my DSS when she knows he’s scheduled to be with us for the weekend or comes up with another excuse to get out of spending time with him. No cell phones or shopping sprees for him. Ann sits idly by while his sister says hateful things to him such as, “Everybody hates you and nobody wants you here”. Her refusal to intervene in any way or defend him is a clear statement of where she stands on the matter, yet the poor child clearly continues to seek the same approval, love and adoration that she bestows on his sister. When he mentions wanting to come back and live with us, Ann tells him that she won’t be able to pick him up for visitation with her because it is just too far to drive to add that additional 30 minutes to her trip. (I just can not understand how a mother can hurt her child that way.)
I guess it's obvious that the "root" of our problem is Ann's permissiveness with the children. The have essentially NO rules, no bedtimes, they cook their own meals which consist of Top Ramen soup, cereal and snack food - unless Ann brings home take out food. The children have unlimited, unsupervised access to the internet. Ann allows my DSD to not only "hang around" and go places with a girl who was expelled from school for selling drugs, but allows her to have the girl and other kids – including boys - over when Ann isn't there. Ann has allowed my DSD to have sleepovers with friends at other people’s houses and places with dubious supervision that have included boys her age and older.
Neither my DSD or DSS wanted to have summer visitation with us because it’s so “boring” at our house. The truth is that we have rules, and they'd rather be at their mom's where they can do as they please. (We have 4 children so rules aren't an option in our home, they're a necessity. Our rules are not harsh, they're based on common sense.) We forced the issue and made them come visit - we wanted the family time with them and we knew they would at least be safe for the short time they were with us.
The visit was a nightmare. My DSD played me for a fool and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. For starters, the first words out of her mouth were that she did not want to be here and that her mom had told her that if things got "too bad" for her she would come rescue her. Their first night here, my DSD confided to me that her last "illness", which resulted in hospitalization, was due to her taking an overdose of aspirin to make herself sick. Her mother had taken her to the doctor one morning with stomach pain and he'd sent her home. She took more aspirin, insisted on going to the ER and was finally admitted for observation, just like she’d wanted. The doctors' and her mother were clueless and remained clueless about what was wrong with her. When I talked with her in depth, she firmly denied it was a suicide attempt. Strangely enough she was supposed to have taken
the TAKS test at school the day she was in the hospital. This is also when I found out that my DSD was hanging out with the girl who was expelled from school for selling drugs. Another of her "best friends" was supposedly in the hospital at the time with an overdose of crack cocaine. A day or so later, she came downstairs one morning to show me several scratches on her face and neck that she’d "somehow" just woke up with. They were very superficial; in fact, she had to point some of them out to me because they were so faint. It was obvious they were self inflicted, but that she really hadn’t been trying to hurt herself. After confronting her with the obvious, she said she "needed" to cut herself because she was so bored. While she was with us she disobeyed EVERY rule we asked of her and the other children when searching for something else, we found among her things a pack of cigarettes, candy containing massive amounts of caffeine that she’d been eating, a handful of ASPIRIN and items she’d stolen from my DH. While discussing her behavior and explaining to her thatmaybe coming back and living with us would be in her best interest, my DSD tells me that she wants to die and she's going to kill herself. Common sense told us that she wasn't serious, but we gave her the benefit of the doubt. At this point I was
frantically worried about her so I contacted her pediatrician and therapist for advice.
When I took her in for an office visit she told the pediatrician that she wanted todie, which he took very seriously. He informed us of this while in her presence.(She later threw a huge hissy fit and called him a liar - She didn't know why he took her so seriously.) After speaking with the pediatrician and her therapist at length, we took their advice and admitted her to an adolescent psychiatric facility for assessment.
At admission the first words out of her mouth to the psychiatrist were, "I 'll kill myself if Ihave to go back and live with my dad." She repeated that same phrase to everyone who interviewed her. She would not acknowledge that she was responsible for being there because she herself had claimed she was suicidal, she blamed me for putting her there. By her 3rd night there, I couldn't take anymore. She had done everything short of saying that my DH and I abused her physically. She broke herdad's heart. The man has never harmed that child in any way, shape or form. Duringa family therapy session with her and her mother we sat and listened to Ann denythat anything at all was wrong with my DSD's friends. She said they needed "a little guidance" maybe. I lost my temper and voiced my feelings. While the councelor was talking with her in her room, Ann informed my DH that my DSD is "terrified" of him and doesn't want to be with him. Now mind you this child obeys NO rules at all - if she's so terrified wouldn't she be afraid NOT to obey the rules her dad gives her? Ann knows that DSD rarely tells the truth, yet she chooses to believe this nonsense. To make a long story short, my DH informed my DSD, Ann and the therapist that he was temporarily giving up his visitations with her. He couldn't beresponsible for her "killing herself because she had to be with us". He added that because we have 3 other children to care for he felt we had to suspend visitation because we are afraid that my DSD's claims of abuse would escalate and put us and the other children at risk. During that same meeting Ann told the therapist that she would take my DSD to nightly therapy sessions, and would put the both kids in summer camp so they wouldn't be at home all day unsupervised, and that she'd make sure my DSD kept seeing her regular therapist. They attended ONE counseling session, she went to day camp for a few days and then Ann resumed letting the kids stay home alone and do as they pleased. As far as we know DSD is no longer seeing her regular therapist, which of course she desperately needs to do. (Of course, my DSD has wrapped her usual false spin on what happened and told people that we said we never wanted to see her again.) Unfortunately, everything played out just like she'd intended and she got her way about going home to her mom's.
MY DH has always taken the high road and avoided making negative comments about
Ann to the children or provoking needless confrontation. Ann has done everything
she can to turn the kids against us. I know my DSS would choose to come live with us if it weren't for his mother's manipulation. When my DH attempts to discuss what we feel are valid concerns with Ann she immediately turns the conversation into ad hominem attacks, character assassination and trivialization of the issues at hand, which completely derails any attempt at honest discussion.
What I am seeking with this message is feedback for methods to effectively deal
with this situation. I am at a complete loss. The kids "betrayal" has broken my DH's heart. I can't stand seeing him so hurt and I desperately want to"fix" things. I feel that it's just a matter of time before something detrimentalhappens to one or both of the children while in their mother's care. I know thatthe only thing that is going to "save" these kids is if they come back to livewith us where they can receive consistant and unconditional love, guidance and discipline. I know that my DSD needs intensive mental health treatment that shewill not get with her mother, but we also know that my DSD would do everything in her power to destroy our family and make life miserable for us if forced to live here. Is there anything at all that I can do about Ann's neglect and permissivenessor do we just have to accept it? What do we do? We love these kids so much it hurts and desperately want to help them, especially my DSD, before it's too late.
Please help!!!!

I am so sorry your family is going through this, but honestly, this is far and above anything I personally feel I could help you with.
The *only* thing I could even begin to suggest is going back to court and getting primary custody changed, along with requesting having sole medical say. Depending on where you live, even that might not be an option. At 14 and even 12, the kids may have full say in where they want to live. You may have to try to prove the mom is an unfit mother, difficult I'm sure, even with all the documentation to prove otherwise. The court could even rule that the entire family go to therapy, but realize that the courts, try as they might, may not be able to enforce the issue. (I mean, look at all the non-custodial parents in arrears in their child support. The courts cant' supervise every single thing.) This is something you would need to discuss with a lawyer.
You and your dh may need to find a therapist of your own, to help you deal with all of this; not only to learn to deal with your dh's kids, but the mom of those kids, and whether or not you could actually deal with *all* the consequences of taking the mom to court-regardless of the outcome.
And in answer to your last question, no, I don't believe there is anything you can do about Ann's neglect and permissiveness. Certainly not by simply speaking to her. I know you think she is not being a very good mom, but you can't really tell her that and expect her to change. It's just not going to happen.
I'm sorry, I wish I could be more help. Good luck with your family, I wish you all the best.
Wow. As the other poster said, this is just too much of a mess. Things seem very far-gone with your step daughter and without the full support and cooperation of her mother, there's very little you CAN do. A few weeks in your home will not reverse the affect of the other weeks and months she spends with little to no structure at home. If you seek full custody you better be prepared for a huge commitment to "fixing things" as you put it. You think your husband is heart-broken now -- imagine how he'll feel if this young girl comes to live with you and you still have no success getting through to her. Imagine the heartbreak of watching her day in and day out make poor choices and self-destruct. Right now he can worry but he doesn't have to see it every day.
My question is a simple one -- what does your husband want? Never mind what you want and how you want to save him pain and how you want to help this girl and think her mom is a mess etc etc. What does your husband want? You can't fix this alone. And why should you? I know this sounds selfish but, seriously, these aren't your kids. And if you bring them into your house you risk the well-being of your own children who will naturally suffer from the necessary focus on this girl. Her influence will not be good over an entire year. Is it worth it? Is it worth to try to help a kid who doesn't want to help herself and whose mom thinks she doesn't need help? And put your own kids at risk?
These are huge questions to ask yourself before you beat yourself up over this.