Fathers who pull away from daughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Fathers who pull away from daughters
16
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:12am

I was browsing through some of the threads and I was surprised to see how common it was for women here
to mention that when they started going through puberty and developing their fathers pulled
away from them. It surprised me how common this same experience repeated itself with their own daughters.

I think I may have an explanation, although I'm not a professional, so I can't really give professional advice.

"Fathers, too, may naturally feel the pull of their daughters' developing sexuality. In a society in which incest is a reality, fathers may withdraw in confusion from their daughters when unprocessed feelings arise, fearful of the attractive young women that their sweet little girls have become. Sensing their fathers' coldness and failing to understand its cause, the daughters may well turn to male figures outside the home for needed masculine attention; an obviously problematical choice."

"Fathers can realize that what they are feeling is not sexual desire for their offspring, but merely an awareness of their daughters' developing sexuality, much as one smells a rose in a garden. A father does not need that aspect of his child, and her scent is not for him. Secondly, he needs to draw closer to his spouse. Chances are, his daughter's is not the only flower whose fragrance he has caught. He needs to become more attentive to his wife; supporting her and recognizing the captivating beauty that comes in the second half of a woman's life. Thirdly, he needs to understand how vulnerable his daughter is, and move to protect her from attracting the wrong interest; after all, there are insects that destroy roses and humans who pick them. It is the father's task as well as the mother's to educate his child as to the ways of the world and the right attitude and behavior in it."

You can read these texts in http://www.tparents.org/UNews/unws9510/adolcnc.htm

So maybe men pull away from their teen daughters because they notice that their daughter has become attractive and they confuse this feeling for sexual attraction? We all notice attractive women, but theres a difference between noticing and becoming aroused. Especially with all the attention given to sick men who sexually abuse their daughters and all the warnings men get on how to behave appropriately with their daughters, its not surprising why so many fathers feel conflicted and confused.

Anyone want to give their take on this? I've noticed this quite a bit in my life and have always wondered why it happens. Does this happen with women too? Do women pull away from their sons when their sons go through puberty and start to develop?

Edited 12/28/2006 2:15 am ET by s_goddess




Edited 12/28/2006 2:16 am ET by s_goddess

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:29pm

Honestly, I have to disagree. A healthy normal man who is a father WILL not be confused about his daughter's developing body. He does not pull away because he is confusing sexual arousal with he noticing his daughter's development. Men are much more than their hormones, you know. And women are much more than "captivating flowers". Sorry, as a mature woman, I do not like to be called a captivating flower. I am an adult, with a mind. And any woman who had has gone thru memopause will tell you, there is much more to life than sex.

Fathers do not become cold to their daughters. It is the actually the other way around.
Daughters start growing up and they start naturally transferring their "attentions" to other males in their lives. That is very,very normal. They grow out of being Daddy's little girl.

I have not seen any marked difference in the amount of affection that the fathers I know show their daughters. Sure, the daughters may not be sitting on their laps but they are hugging them and giving them kisses. They still show their daughter's affection. If anything it is the boys that "affection" is shown less to. How many teen boys get hugs from their dads or kisses goodnight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:09am
This is an interesting concept. I'm not really sure if I agree completely with the whole context, but perhaps the idea. I have been struggling to figure out why my husband/daughter have grown further and further apart. He sais it's because he just can't relate to a girl, and she shuns him-preferring to be with friends, etc. He fails to see how she does try to reach out to him, and how desperately she wants him to be what she perceives as the "perfect" father(although we all know there is not such thing.) He continues to pull away in discomfort. I had him read this post. At first, he was horrified at the very thought of having "sexual" feelings for his daughter. But, I did explain to him that it wasn't just the feeling of having an attraction to your daughter, but that as she grows and her body changes into a more womanly one, is it hard to look at her as your little girl and not the woman she is becoming...with boobs and hips and "womanly ways". I think all men have that innate sexual desire when they see these things (boobs, butts, etc.)- and then they find themselves horrified at the fact that they could possibly have had these thoughts about their own daughters, and their daughters' friends. So, they pull away, preferring to not have to deal with the feelings of sexuality. I don't know if I buy the whole theory or not. But, in a society where woman are objectified in every aspect and men believe that woman are nothing more than sexually gratifying for them, it seems that it would make sense. I do, however, believe that all men think about nothing but sex...Im sorry, but I talk to alot of men of all ages and ask really hard hitting questions and get them to think about how they approach sex- and I've received some very graphic and very, very truthful answers. Just my thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:29am

I was surfing the net today and i found an interesting article in which a man articulates his feelings about his daughter developing into a young woman. You guys will probably find it a interesting read.

http://www.dadmag.com/archive/060100daughtergrows.php

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 6:42am

Interesting.

I've been thinking about this thread some since the first time I read it, and I'm not so sure that all dads pull away from their daughters at puberty. My husband hasn't, but since our DD has turned into this young lady that turns the boys' heads, he interacts with her differently than he did when she was a little girl.

But then again, when I noticed that our DSs were turning into men, I started interacting with them differently too. Still as close as ever, but differently. There was a time when I didn't own a bathrobe, and often walked around the house in a modest night gown... not since my DSs were about 12 though. I now have 3 robes. There was a time when they sat around the house in their boxers all day - no more, they at least put on a pair of shorts now. Where they used to tell me everything about their lives, they now hold some things private.

So if this happens between moms and sons, why wouldn't there be a change in relationship with dads and DDs? Think about your long term friendships - have they not also changed with time, age, and different life circumstances. So do our relationships with our children change also. Not necessarily bad, but different.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 9:12am

I think bunnierose explained it quite well. When your kids become adults there is an increase in modesty. You usually don't feel comfortable being in lets say a towel around your kids. I know as my daughter grows older she won't be spilling her guts, telling me everything about her personal life, although I think if you keep a close relationship, they will continue to confide in you many of ther important aspects of their personal life, stuff that they wouldn't exactly tell anyone. But there are some things parents just shouldn't know about, for ex. sex life etc..

As for being attracted to your daughter, honestly I can't say I've felt that. I mean sure you notice she is becoming a woman. There is an increase in modesty. For ex. I don't like it when my daughter is in front of me with just a towel on. Shes maturing and its no longer appropriatte.

Also the way you show affection changes. In our society any affection between a grown man and grown woman is seen as a sexual thing. Add to that affection between fathers and daughters, then its even worse. How much have we heard about men doing inappropriatte things with their daughter? It does make touching your daughter and being affectionate with her, especially now that she has breasts, really taboo.

But I have seen some guys who completely shut themselves out from their daughters life, usually leaving the daughter feel abandoned. Heck just read some of the threads on this board, and you see it. I'm not sure if they feel attracted to their daughters and are just freaking out about it or are just really paranoid about what people might think considering all that you hear in the media. There's obviously going to be some distancing, but I still do wonder why some men seem to overdo it.

I hope someone else on this board might be more educated on this topic and maybe can explain why some men seem to overboard with this.

It certainly is a good question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 9:16am

Alright this is off topic, but don't some of you ladies who post your real picture here feel a little nervous about doing it?

For ex. Bunnierose , don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're a very attractive woman. I mean don't you feel nervous about posting your pic here for the world to see.

I mean I know if my daughter or girlfriend did that, or heck any woman in my family or extended family did it, I'd be freaking out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 10:19am

I guess I never really thought about it, I was on this board for 4 years before I ever posted a picture and had pretty much gotten comfortable with the folks here. I belong to several other boards, some that I post pictures and some that I don't, it depends on how long I've been there and my comfort level with the regulars. I'm much more nervous about posting anything that is too specific about my location or last name than I am about posting a picture. If some perv out there is going to get his rocks off based on that picture (which actually is a small crop of one with my sons in it) I guess he's going to do it, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life or anything. There are sickos everywhere, and I'm more concerned about a teenager taking underwear off clotheslines (which we had in our town a couple of years ago) than I am about posting a picture.

BTW, thank you for the compliment - I guess I never thought of myself as anything more than average looking at best.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 4:04am

This may disturb some people but it is normal for men to be sexually attracted to their teenage daughter. men are visual creatures and they do feel attracted when they see their adolescent daughters breasts, but etc.. Good fathers are the ones who can manage these feelings and continue to show appropriatte affection. Other fathers unfortunately are horrified by their feelings and pull away.

The high rate of sexual abuse in our society shows why its important to recognize these feelings and learn to deal with them in appropriatte ways.

Maybe some of you should read these articles

http://www.processes.org/carol_dadlecture.php

http://www.wordsbykim.com/blog/49/dads-and-daughters/#respond

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 6:35am

You know you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet. I doubt these sites are credible.

The idea of family members being sexually attracted to each other is usually originated from freud, and much of his theorys have been debunked.

Being sexually attracted to family members usually happens in a dysfunctional setting where a family hasn't properly bonded or set healthy boundaries. It is by no means a normal thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 7:02am

I just had to add to this forum.

I believe my dh has pulled away from our 2 dds , not because he is attracted . But because , their priorities have changed (he is feeling left out , and lost to; were did my babies go) where they use to run to him , he was the one who was big and strong, and make all the bad things go away. As a little girl , I thought my dad was superman. But real life takes over, and there needs and mind set changes. Dad is not superman and mom has been through this before. They are now calling on me for all the answers(HELP) .

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