Fathers who pull away from daughters
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| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 2:12am |
I was browsing through some of the threads and I was surprised to see how common it was for women here
to mention that when they started going through puberty and developing their fathers pulled
away from them. It surprised me how common this same experience repeated itself with their own daughters.
I think I may have an explanation, although I'm not a professional, so I can't really give professional advice.
"Fathers, too, may naturally feel the pull of their daughters' developing sexuality. In a society in which incest is a reality, fathers may withdraw in confusion from their daughters when unprocessed feelings arise, fearful of the attractive young women that their sweet little girls have become. Sensing their fathers' coldness and failing to understand its cause, the daughters may well turn to male figures outside the home for needed masculine attention; an obviously problematical choice."
"Fathers can realize that what they are feeling is not sexual desire for their offspring, but merely an awareness of their daughters' developing sexuality, much as one smells a rose in a garden. A father does not need that aspect of his child, and her scent is not for him. Secondly, he needs to draw closer to his spouse. Chances are, his daughter's is not the only flower whose fragrance he has caught. He needs to become more attentive to his wife; supporting her and recognizing the captivating beauty that comes in the second half of a woman's life. Thirdly, he needs to understand how vulnerable his daughter is, and move to protect her from attracting the wrong interest; after all, there are insects that destroy roses and humans who pick them. It is the father's task as well as the mother's to educate his child as to the ways of the world and the right attitude and behavior in it."
You can read these texts in http://www.tparents.org/UNews/unws9510/adolcnc.htm
So maybe men pull away from their teen daughters because they notice that their daughter has become attractive and they confuse this feeling for sexual attraction? We all notice attractive women, but theres a difference between noticing and becoming aroused. Especially with all the attention given to sick men who sexually abuse their daughters and all the warnings men get on how to behave appropriately with their daughters, its not surprising why so many fathers feel conflicted and confused.
Anyone want to give their take on this? I've noticed this quite a bit in my life and have always wondered why it happens. Does this happen with women too? Do women pull away from their sons when their sons go through puberty and start to develop?
Edited 12/28/2006 2:15 am ET by s_goddess
Edited 12/28/2006 2:16 am ET by s_goddess

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You first have to be careful about some of these "web sites". People do have agendas.
Interestingly my dd and her father remain close. Sure she isn't a little girl anymore so the little kid things they would do together like rides on the bike or her snuggling up next to him on the couch, don't really work. Its not about inappropriate feelings its about her interests changing (much to the chagrin of dad sometimes but c'est la vie).
But they still spend alot of time together. He stays involved by knowing all her friends (he is their defacto taxi driver for all social events) and staying in touch with the things she is doing but there's always going to be a part of her life he can't totally relate to and I think he accepts that. He doesn't know what its like to have a crush on a boy or feel insecure about looks or feel the crazy ups and downs of emotions that she goes through.
And I know my son and I won't always be as close as we are today. But we can stay as close as possible.
I guess I never understood why puberty was such a big deal to begin with. We hear and read about raging hormones and the tough times kids have going through puberty, but I just don't get it. I remember my adolescence as a time of establishing stronger bonds with my friends, as the bonds with my parents weakened a bit. (My mom was somewhat hurt cuz she didn't find out I'd started menstruating until 6 mos later. I'd discussed it with my older sister and friends, and had all the info/supplies I needed. I didn't intend to insult her--it was just a nonevent, esp. since it happened later for me than for all my friends and I'd been expecting it forever.) The relatively stronger bonding with friends was not intentional, but rather a result of spending more time with my friends as I grew more independent. And I saw the same thing happen with both our sons, and with both DH and me--father or mother--didn't matter.
The words "pulling away" suggest it's an intentional thing, but I really believe that in most cases, it's just a situation our kids grow into. And I think it is perfectly normal.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
My H, my dds' stepdad, has been in their lives since they were babies and when they reached puberty, he also pulled back a bit. It had nothing to do with any level of attraction. It was mostly because he felt alienated and completely lost and had a difficult time learning to relate to them again, except this time as mini-adult little women. They've always *mostly* come to me first, but when these changes began I became a full time mom & dad. Even if I redirected them to H, he was often at a loss for words.
There were several times when I had to FORCE him to be involved, such as when 19dd and her bf had a bad break up. I begged him to go speak with her, let her know she's still beautiful and loveable and that the bf's treatment was wrong. He did it haltingly and had great difficulty even then to communicate with her. And when 17dd was sexually assaulted, he was so angry and he simply could not speak to anyone and that anger scared dd. It took a very long time for them to find thier way back to each other again.
I think that the dads and daughters website is a good place to investigate this topic further. http://www.dadsanddaughters.org/
Hi, you linked to an article of mine that I have since had second thoughts about. I found this item and feel this is more accurate than my original thoughts about the subject.
http://www.ironshrink.com/articles/12_17_2005.php
I didn't link to your article. I linked to the dadsanddaughters.org site only. I can't recommend anything you wrote as I am not familiar with your work. I am, however, very familiar with the dads and daughters site and find much of what is offered helpful and insightful.
I am sorry if you misread my post.
Edited 1/23/2007 2:54 pm ET by heartsandroses2002
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