Feeling Guilty Today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Feeling Guilty Today!
26
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:12am

All her life, DD has been my skinny minnie and for the past several years, DS has been my chubby little boy.

Well, times have changed! DS is suddenly taller than me and pretty thin and DD has gained a fair amount of weight. We went shopping for clothes over the holiday break and she was pretty upset that she couldn't fit into the size she thought she was. We ended up leaving without buying anything because she didn't like the size. (Have to admit, I've done the same thing.) Or when she'd come out to show me an outfit she liked, I'd say "Nope, too small. I'll get you the next size up" which got her even more riled up. Then she'd say she was too 'fat', etc. I don't want to focus on her weight but more on her getting more active. She is not an especially athletic person, but she does like to dance, jog, etc. Because of her schedule and homework load this year, we've had a hard time finding a good balance and a convenient time for her to do something physical.

DD has never had great eating habits, and lately when I notice her eating say, a dozen cookies in one sitting, I comment. I try not to sound critical, or accusing, but I think it comes across a little more harshly than I intend -- "You've just eaten a huge cinammon roll and then a brownie. If you're still hungry, have an apple or something." This is the same sort of thing I would say to DS when he was overdoing it and DD doesn't especially like to hear it about herself!

I drug her and DS both out several times over the break to run, ride bikes, rollerblade, etc. She is fine with it once we get going and does enjoy it, but I think she feels like I am telling her she is fat! She's not fat, but I can see how she COULD have a weight problem if she doesn't pay more attention now.

She is at school for several hours after dismissal waiting on her ride. I told her I wanted to buy her new running shoes so she could get out and walk or jog after school -- i.e, get some exercise. She took a ballroom dance class in November and loved it and I am encouraging her to manage her time really well next month so she could take the next session.

Well, yesterday she and a friend went for a long hike off campus (2 hours) and came home with blisters. Today she said it's her 'stair climbing day' so while seems to be taking an initiative herself to get more active, I feel guilty for even saying anything! And for putting carrots in her lunch instead of chips!

 

 

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:15pm
Well, it's hard, but the emphasis has to be on health rather than "losing weight". And I know how hard this is after the holidays, when the clothes are tighter or don't even fit anymore (btdt). The nature of why this came up for her (having to go up a clothes size) makes it even harder to focus on the health. If it were me, I'd do what I could to turn it back to health. Also, moderation. In other words, smaller portions. The way most teens would like to eat 24/7 is the problem. Take-out food, fried food, etc. This is completely different, but my dd who is a size 0 (!) has started talking about food as well, like what things are fattening, etc. I always put the emphasis on "that's not good for you, it has nothing but sugar in it" rather than "that's fattening". Naturally, I have to add in her case that she does not need to lose at all, but just be "healthier". I would just continue to emphasize that with dd, if she's concerned about it. But make sure that she is the one who is concerned about losing weight (which I assume is the case anyway). As for the carrots instead of chips in the lunch - ouch. LOL. I guess I would maybe put some carrots and also "1 or 2" naturally sweetened cookies or those Sunchips that have extra fiber - again, emphasis on health. Most teens will lose weight quite easily if they just become more active, as you've said, and don't even do anything about their food intake. Some are not blessed with great metabolisms and have to do more. But remember that teens have this "all of nothing" mentality so you have to guard against that. HTH,
Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:25pm

I don't have any advice, as DS-17 has always been rail thin... but I'm impressed you're out running, biking and rollerblading!! You go, girl!!

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:32pm

You shouldn't feel guilty if you are just trying to help your DD get healthy. It's really easy for teens to get on this diet of junk food and going out to eat w/ friends. AT least you pack the lunch. I give the teenagers money and who knows what they are eating at lunch time?

It's hard to know where to draw the line cause girls can get so obsessed about weight. My DD isn't like that, but my 11 yo DS just has this obsessive personality about everything. He's not overweight at all but his DF (my ex) can also be obsessive about weight and passes it along to him. One day he came home from his dad's and said "I'm not eating any more junk food." Now I think that's kind of impossible for an 11 yo to keep up. I think it would be better for him to say "well, I will only have a couple of cookies a day" or whatever, not trying to deprive himself totally. Of course, it didn't last because it was too depriving.

On the other hand, my 16 yo DSD is very heavy and not being her mother, I feel I can't say anything about her weight w/o insulting her, since she hardly talks to me anyway. Her DF is overweight too, but a lot of it is that he takes meds that make him gain weight, but he also likes to eat a lot of junk food, so he sets a really bad example. She does play basketball in the back yard sometimes but that's basically her only exercise except for school gym. I just feel bad that she can't even buy her clothes in the regular stores. For jeans, she has to go to Lane Bryant for plus sizes, but for Ts and sweatshirts (she doesn't like to dress up), she will be buying men's XL. I just know that as you get older, it's just so much harder to lose weight, so I do think it's good to establish healty eating habits now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:05pm

My college freshman put on close to 20 lbs the first semester!!

He was thin so some of it actually looks good in the arm area but he is starting to get a tummy

And yes, everything I say to try to help becomes "Im fat! Youre trying to tell me Im fat"

I THINK hes sort of joking but Im really not sure. For him, I feel he has never paid attention to the calorie content of anything-he ate anything and stayed thin. He doesnt really grasp 'healthy food' although he should. DH and I are overweight and he has watched us try to lose and do things like South Beach but yeah, HE wasnt heavy so he went out and bought himself junk food

He told me he ate the chicken taco with the lite salsa at TAco Bell and I was impressed until he added the 6 other things he eats with it!!! Literally!

My plan at this point is to look up calorie content, etc of the fast food he has access to with the food plan and send it to his school email.

It's touchy and Jason's situation has made me aware it isnt always worry free when its a guy who has concerns

So I totally get how you are feeling today. It's been touch and go here all vacation.

DH and I have honestly cut back on having junk food in the house with only one at home who really doesnt care as long as he has soft drinks. But, with Xmas and several family birthdays, it seems to have weaseled its way back in the house

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:08pm

<<<...but I think it comes across a little more harshly than I intend -- "You've just eaten a huge cinnamon roll and then a brownie. If you're still hungry, have an apple or something.">>>

I read that…then read it again… then again....I’m even squinting to read between the lines to find where that was harsh. In fact, on the harsh-o-meter that doesn’t even register.. :-)
Not poking fun. I’m truly sorry you’re feeling guilty.
This is one of the issues that seem to be oceans apart between men and women. I may make a rare comment like, “If you often eat that kind of stuff, it will catch up with you later.”
DD, on the other hand, has OFTEN commented to me as I enjoy a piece of pecan pie (or something of similar content), “Dad..that crap will KILL you.”
So...while we don’t make “weight comments” per se, it seems we both will pass judgment on what we’re eating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:22pm

LOL, a great example of the aforementioned "all or nothing" attitude of teens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:50pm

Do Sunchips really have more fiber in them? DD is definitely falling short in her fiber intake and I've been putting that FiberSure stuff into a lot of my cooking.

She doesn't like sandwiches and asked today for cheese and crackers instead. I didn't want to put in crackers AND chips, so she got the carrots instead. I always give her cookies, so put in a couple of homemade peanut butter ones too. Not totally a 'diet' lunch, but a bit different than usual.

Since lately I'm a 'grade-grubbing nag who makes a big deal out of everything' I feel like I need to tread softly around here.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:52pm
Well, actually ... I walk more than I run and since we live in a pretty hilly neighborhood and town, to ride bikes or roller blade I have to load everything up and drive somewhere. I love to roller blade but sadly, don't do it often enough!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:55pm

<>

That's a huge part of it! She's not a tall girl and I doubt she will get any taller so she does need to pay attention and make better choices. She's accused me of nagging more than once (about schoolwork and grades) so the last thing I want to do is be a nag about her diet and weight. This is a toughie for me!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 4:57pm
Yup, I was a baking fiend this holiday season and there was plenty of goodies around, and hard to ignore. It's all just about gone, though, so perhaps we can all get on track now that the holidays are over.

 

 

 

Pages