Feeling Like a Knucklehead

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Feeling Like a Knucklehead
10
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:07pm

I couldn't decide between the 'frazzled' or the 'queasy' icon today ...

Sooo ... winter formal is this weekend. Details regarding times, transportation, etc., are being hashed out now. DD is still rather vague about the whole evening and I've decided it's because neither she, her date or the other two couples involved have really made any decisions about it. It seems that the girls involved were making a lot of the 'plans' without necessarily consulting their dates -- or considering the fact that none of them drive!

The mother of DD's date called yesterday. I was happy she did because I was kind of at the point where I felt that if I didn't get a better idea about how the evening was going to go, DD wouldn't be going. I am getting the idea though, that DD's date is just so happy that C accepted his invitation that he is willing to go along with whatever she wants.

Mom kept asking what I wanted, how I wanted the evening to go, what I was most comfortable with ... which was very considerate, but was a little awkward because I felt that since her son M, asked my DD, he should some input on how the evening should go and probably had some idea about how he expected it to work -- rather than us telling him what was going to happen. After going round and round about this, I said as much to M's mom. We agreed that mom would ask M what he wanted and call me back today -- which she did and I think we have everything worked out now.

Ugh. I feel like such a scatterbrained, indecisive knucklehead -- like all I was capable of saying was "well, whatever is easiest for you" etc., and of course M's mom was saying the same things! Neither one of us wanted to step on the others' toes. Should I have just told M's mom what I thought was best? Should us moms have made the plans that were most convenient for us parents because of the transportation and age issues? Even though it may not have necessarily been what the kids want? How exactly DOES this all work?




Edited 2/8/2007 1:10 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:48pm

Geez, Julie! Relax! You did just fine! I'm sure everything will work out just fine and the kids will have a good time. Personally, I agree with you that C and M should have some input, too. So again - relax!! ;-)

Amelia

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:18pm

I agree with Amelia. You did fine!

I personally have *no* idea how all of this works. The few times either of my boys had "dates" (Homecoming, local dances, etc) before they were old enough to drive, they would just meet up at the event.

I would think that the parents wishes and conviences override the kiddos wishes, to a certain extent. Of course you want the kids to have fun and enjoy themselves, but it shouldn't be all left up to them. Lord only knows what they might come up with!! LOL And if you have a very specific concern about something, I would go ahead and voice it to the other parent---they may have the exact same concern OR it may be something they had not even thought of that needs to be addressed.

Don't feel like a knucklehead. I imagine M's mom was as much at a loss on all this as you were, maybe even more so!

I hope the kids have a blast. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 3:42pm

Okay ... well ... thanks ... I have more self-confidence and self-esteem issues than most teenagers out there, and I constantly doubt and second-guess myself as a result.

I'm sure it will all be just fine. And it M's mom thinks 'what a weirdo', well, so be it.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 6:06pm

Mom of sons here - I gotta defend M just a little bit. ;D

You know how it's usually the wife that makes the family's social plans? I think that's coz testosterone has killed most of the social planning brain cells somewhere along the line. The process starts early too - once my DSs have asked a girl out, it's almost always the girl who makes the final plans, unless there is something my DS feels strongly about. Otherwise it's usually "whatever you want to do honey." Sheesh!! Darned testosterone! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:39pm

These kinds of situations make me miss the times when I knew the moms of all of L's friends really well, and plans are not so awkward. I think you handled it fine - neither wanting to step on each other's toes, and also not wanting to step into territory the kids might want to handle.

I had to LOL on the plans piece. L and her friends love to make plans without "burdening" the parents with the decision making. Then they get stuck with a piece they need help with. But L's friend A wasn't able to make decisions about Sweet 16 plans, and I sort of wish she'd have realized that parents can help with that stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:58pm
Thanks for your 'mom of boys' perspective, Rose. I felt kind of bad for M, with DD making all the plans and then asking him after the fact if it was okay. Especially since he was the one who asked her. I just felt weird about getting so involved. Poor M seems like a 3rd party to an evening that was his idea!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:07pm

Since the students that attend C's high school are scattered all throughout the county, we've actually met only a handful of her friends -- and very few parents -- so I know what you mean. M lives an hour north of the school campus and we live an hour south of it. I guess with these sort of logistics, us parents really did need to get involved.

Well, since I'll probably never meet her in person, at least I had a couple good chats with M's mom over the phone. She seems like a very nice person and assures me he that M is a nice boy and that I'm going to love him!

Okay ... this event is Saturday and it'll all be over and you'll finally get to stop hearing about it, lol

And to think this is only the beginning of this whole dating stuff!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 12:20am
It IS awkward! The kids want to be independent and plan it all themselves, but it seems nothing is finalized until the last minute. Being the professional follower he is, DS17 has always left it up to the girls and his leader guy friends to do the planning. I find out the day before the event what's going on. Last year he even let one of his best guy friends talk him into taking a girl a year junior to him to prom, after having been with his gf for about one year. He's now back with her, and I explained to his gf's parents in December, before the winter dance, that he never had any feelings for that girl he took to prom--he just got talked into doing a double date sort of thing with the girl his friend selected. He is taking SOOOOO long to trust himself instead of always relying on his friends, but he is improving. The actual planning, though, I don't think he'll ever do himself.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:44am

Thanks for your understanding Janet! This is all new for us and I don't know how it's all 'supposed' to work -- although I guess the 'rules' have changed since our hs days.

It seems a spend a whole lot of time feeling like such a weenie! After things like this, I think "oh gosh, I hope I didn't sound like too much of a weirdo", which leads to "I hope he/she didn't misinterpret what I said" to "omg, I'll bet I offended he/she with that remark" to "maybe I should call back and apologize" ... it just goes on and on. I even find myself doing that with some of the things I post on this message board.

You say it is taking sooooo long for your DS to trust himself, and here I am 45 years old and still not able to do it! I just haven't ever gotten to the point where I can say "oh, to he** with what everyone else thinks!".

Maybe someday ....




Edited 2/9/2007 11:48 am ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:22pm

<>

I got to that point about 6 years ago, at age 45. Some get there earlier in life, some never do. I think yoga helped me get in closer touch with my inner feelings and my connectedness to the world. For some meditation or prayer might help. And for some, like my mother who's now 89, it seems nothing will help! I can't believe that at that age she is still so worried about what others will think. She is so burdened by it that she is never totally relaxed, unless she is asleep--maybe not even then.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM