Feeling really lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Feeling really lonely
4
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 10:58pm
I'm feeling really low tonight and just wanted to share it with someone. I miss my two dd very much since they are living with their father. I'm not so sure I like living alone, especially when I'm 100 miles away from my family and friends. I know all the things I could be doing but right now I just feel so sad. I thought about taking some pills, but I would never do that, so the thought was only fleeting. But I think it is a bad sign. I've never felt that way before, so i'm having a hard time understanding why I would even think that way. I definitely wouldn't go to that extreme though, but I do know that I need to get some help. I am seeing a counselor, but she can't be with me every minute and home is pretty lonely late at night when I am used to spending every evening with my dd.

I am trying desperately to relocate back to my home town. I wrote a long request at work, to be transferred back home because I know there are two job openings. They only consider transfer requests for compassionate reasons. I explained about my dd's 3 suicide attempts and the lack of support and services available for her here. I explained about how difficult it has been for me to cope with her depression for 8 months completely alone and how I really need my family right now. I advised them that my other dd is living with her father and both my younger dd and I miss her a lot. BUT, they denied my request with some pretty lame reasons. I ended up sending my younger dd to her father's because I couldn't cope anymore and now I am totally alone, except for the dog. I'm feeling really unsupported in my job. I have worked there for 6 years, in a social service program that is meant to support people in crisis. I work with and counsel people in crisis everyday. I left my home 2 years ago, where I was born and raised, to open a new branch of our program in a small town. I've been quite successful at it and love my job. I just don't understand how a program that is supposed to support people and have empathy for others cannot share it with their own employees. It's very depressing and I admit I feel betrayed. I don't plan to back down at this point because going home or staying here could mean my sanity, I'm just feeling really defeated.

Thanks for listening,

kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 11:47pm
Is there someone else you can bring your transfer request to the attention of, who is higher up?

Kristeen, maybe it's time to consider a huge change - you've successfully started a branch *there* - is there any way to consider starting a branch in your home town? Or something new altogether in your line of work? Maybe start making contact with other branches in your home town and seeing what is available there? Maybe it's time to change altogether. Sometimes a total change - or many changes at once - work better, believe it or not.

Is there a good friend whom you've known a long time that you could pick up the phone and call? Sometimes a good friend knows to just talk if you don't want to talk ... or how to lsiten if you need to talk. I still would encourage you to actively go *outside*, walk your dog for a long time, go different routes and really FEEL waht's around you. It's amazing just how much better you will feel even for moments at a time just reconneting. See the people out working in yards and gardens. Stop for a coffee in an outdoor patio, take a book with you or just sit and look around you. When you go through the motions eventually it will stop feeling like a chore or fake and really start to take on meaning again ...

As for considering the thought of pills & *why* ... the idea of just wanting something to *stop* and not have to go through the process is what soo many people feel. Perhaps it's a way that you would understand how your dd felt at times. Not so much that she actually wanted to *die* - but that she just wanted the mess she felt she was in to end ... but add to that a real lack of understanding of what death actually MEANS AND the impulsivity of a teen and you have what she did try to do ...

HUGS. Let us know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-1999
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:49am
I am so sorry you are going through this, kris! I also am a social worker, and to tell you the truth, I am amazed that your supervisors are so insensitive. You would just expect more compassion from people who are trained to be supportive to people in crisis. It really makes me angry to read your post! Even if they don't have any transfer options right now, a little empathy would go a long way.

Can you get involved in a support group? It sounds like you need to be around people who are caring and empathetic, and also just to get you involved in a social life. When our kids are around, many of us tend to completely ignore our own needs for socialization. Because our kids come first and also because they require so much of our time, either by choice or by their behavior, we often don't take the time to cultivate and maintain friendships. I know I have fallen into that pattern, even though I'm a very social person. Your daughter's situation being what it was undoubtedly took every ounce of energy out of you, so that I'm guessing you did little for your own social life. So now, on top of your grieving, you probably don't have a lot of people you have a close enough bond with to pour out your heart to - or just to hang out with for support and company. That's why I think a support group might be helpful. When my father and mother-in-law died, 9 months apart, my dh and I were both grieving at the same time. Even though we supported one another, the grief was just so engulfing we felt we needed more (it was actually ME who admitted that, he just went along with me), so we joined a bereavement support group. Not only was it REALLY helpful, we maintained friendships with some of the group members for years afterwards. We had a bond like no other, and it helped us all through a very difficult time.

I'd continue to look for work near your home town - with or without your current job's support. But in the meantime, look for SOMETHING to join...a group, a club, a summer class, a church committee, a gym. These are just a few suggestions, to help get out of the house, AND to meet people to socialize with.

Hang in there, Kris - it WILL get better in time. And hopefully your dd will also heal in time herself. In the meantime, come back here anytime to vent - we are all here for you!

                        Calmama54, from the beautiful


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 8:12am
hey kristeen! take it one day at a time.... cliche I know, but it does work. you are experiencing a terrible loss, that came after a very difficult year, all the stress and pressure suddenly disappeared, your entire life was dedicated to your child and now there is an emptiness.... you know that what you are feeling is totally normal, you WILL get past this.

I know you are not in your home towm, and right now you can't leave where you are,but maybe there is some way to find what you need right there? I am sure there are support groups in your local church/community center. there have got to be other parents out there who are going thru something similar. putting all this aside - what are your interests? are you into mountain climbing? dancing? chess? art? I just know there are people out there who share something with you. and its hard, but you can do it.

here is a hug. take it easy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 9:07am
Dear Kris, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! It sounds like you are taking some steps toward getting where you want to be located in your job. That's a good thing! If it's really important to you, stick with it and see if you can get that transfer. If they still refuse, maybe you can consider changing jobs. In the meantime, my suggestion for dealing with the blues is to KEEP BUSY! Volunteer at the hospital, at a homeless shelter, get involved in church activities, tutor at the library, etc. Sign up to be very involved, and even though you may not feel like doing these things, they will keep you busy. It will give you less time to just be alone and think. Force yourself to get out there and be among the living. You may find that there are other people who really appreciate your help and your kindness...and in turn, this will help you to feel more needed. I hope this helps. Take care of yourself!