A flash of maturity
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| Fri, 04-20-2007 - 8:00am |
N's b/f T has a not-so-good history, lots of problems out there. He's had problems with fighting in school, tends to let his temper rule rather than thinking before he acts/talks. N says she's never seen that side of him directed at her, but has seen it with some of the other kids at school... and T has had many Saturday schools and a couple of suspensions because of it. Since Christmas break, he's really been working on handling conflict more appropraitely, and I think he's learning. Earlier this week, one of the other guys was harrassing N, calling her disgusting names, making inappropriate comments to and about her. She told him to stop several times and he didn't, T was getting pretty angry with this other guy too. The "old" T would have thrown a punch, he has in the past. This time he showed much more restraint, dealt with the situation much more appropriately, and yesterday he and T went to the school counselor about the other guy - which is the channel that the school has established to deal with these kinds of things. N says that as T was recounting the story to the counselor he was very angry, but didn't swear, didn't start shouting, didn't make any threats - he handled things very appropriately. She was impressed... and so am I. T comes from a background of domestic violence, just before Christmas his mom's b/f beat him up and she moved out. Since then T has been working on dealing with things more appropraitely, and I think it's working.
The good news is, the school is dealing with the other boy fairly harshly since he has a history of this kind of thing with other girls... and more good news... T told N last night that since the school believed him, he's done dealing with the other guy - they were just going to avoid him and his mouth.
I've always been a little worried about how T handles conflict, I've known he had sessions with the school counselor to work on this... I think there is hope that he's learning more appropriate ways of handling things.
Rose

That *is* good news, indeed!
I didn't know that T's mother had moved out from the abusive boyfriend. That had to have a calming effect on him, I would think. As well as N's influence.
Glad to hear about T - it's so hard for kids to change what they've learned and experienced!
And hugs to you for showing this boy the acceptance you have, and for recognizing these small but significant steps!
Sue
That's great news about T. It sounds like he is really trying to better himself. Kudos to you and N for both being there for him. Hopefully, with his mom moving out from the abusive b/f, he'll have a better shot at working through his anger in more approriate ways. I too am very impressed with N's T. :)
Good for all of you!
T moved in with one if his friends right after the b/f beat T up. It took his mom about a month to find an apartment and furniture, so they've been living together since the beginning of February or so. He's been so much happier since he moved out of the b/f's house, and his troubles in school have diminished a LOT since then too.
Thanks everyone for the positive comments - T is a good hearted kid, he's just trying to deal with very rough circumstances, and sometimes he doesn't chooose the best ways to do that. But as I said, he's learning, and he's trying. He told DH (after DH gave him the "you be good to my DD or you'll be dealing with me" talk) that he's seen a LOT of how NOT to treat a g/f from his mom's b/fs... and he's determined to be a better man than they are. We just keep encouraging him in his growth toward that goal.
Rose
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I guess, Janet, that I differ in my outlook toward these "bad" kids because of my experiences with so many of them. For some reason, my kids seem to be a magnet for troubled teens, and while a few of them have proven to be truly bad kids, most of them seem to be misguided, responding to bad (sometimes horrible) circumstances, and just looking for acceptance somewhere. Our DS S was much the same way - a bad kid with a good heart who was looking for love and acceptance. As long as these kids are willing to work on meeting our expectations, our family can find a place for them, be it as just friends, staying here for a time if need be, or in T's case, dating our daughter. DH has made it very clear to T just what is expected of a young man who wants to date our DD, and while he hasn't been 100% consistent in living up to those expectations, he's trying, and that's the most we can ask of him.
It really helps that N is what I laughingly refer to as "a strong, independent woman" - she knows what she wants out of life and isn't willing to compromise her values and goals for anyone. She isn't a follower, and is more likely to let a freind know exactly what she thinks of any drug, alcohol, or tobacco use than to follow along in order to be "cool." Sometimes it's a whole lot harder to parent such a head strong teen, just because when she wants or believes something there is NO changing her mind, but on the other hand, it's reassuring to know that nobody is going to be able to talk here into anything she doesn't really want to do. We probably wouldn't be so comfortable with T if N was more of a follower, and more easily lead into trouble.
Rose