Forced Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2003
Forced Breakup
11
Thu, 07-11-2013 - 2:52pm

I made my 17 year old daughter break up with her 16 year old boyfriend after a year and a few months...I always knew he was bad news...After reading some vulgar text messages between them I decided that this was heading in the wrong direction i.e. he smokes pots and drinks alcohol none of which my daughter does...Now my daughter and I are in an all out war with each other because she thinks I am wrong and I should listen to her and give him another chance and I will not do that...Please help and give me some advice on where do I go from here...I will have to regain her trust but for now she thinks Im an evil witch...HELP!!!

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 07-11-2013 - 7:04pm

Just wondering, did you talk to your dd about the pros and cons of the relationship before issuing the decree? How is it that you were reading her texts? And, if she's been dating him for over a year and hasn't yet joined him in drug or alcohol use, why is it now a problem? And how exactly will you enforce her never seeing him again?

I understand that you don't want your kid exposed to bad influences, none of us do, but they are around them on a regular basis. If your dd was coming home from dates stoned or drunk then I would agree that you needed to step in. But the fact that your dd hasn't gotten involved in problem behaviors says a lot about her. Maybe the boy has some good qualities that she really likes and is encouraging; and she could end up being a good influence on him, instead of him corrupting her.

I suppose that you realize that you risk a lot of backlash. Your dd could decide that since you're treating her like she's "bad" she may as well BE bad. Or maybe she starts lying and sneaking to see him without your knowledge. Or maybe the next bf makes this guy look like Mr Goody Two Shoes. I'm not saying that you cannot discipline your teen or do anything she doesn't like, for fear of her reaction. But most teens have a pretty good sense of fairness, and can accept a fair punishment. 

Your dd is old enough that what you did says that you do not trust her. If she has not done anything to lose your trust (except be in like or love with a boy that you don't trust) then she is understandably offended. Since you are adamant that you will not change your mind and give the boy "another chance" then its probably a matter of time until your dd forgives you and trusts you again...but it could be a very long time. If upon reflection you decide that you were too heavy handed then admit your mistake to your dd and apologize. Discuss your concerns and fears and brainstorm ways that you can feel comfortable with her dating him. For a parent to admit that she could be wrong and then to have an adult conversation about the problems, can go a long way to rebuilding respect and trust.

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